the looking glass

of a father's love

2012-01-10T04:55:00.000-08:00

ayah, being a very simple man with simple needs, came to shahir one day and gave shahir ayah's new watch, which was given as a gift to him. he already had a watch and didnt have a need for another, and didnt want the watch to be sitting in the room collecting dust.

ayah has always been generous. he never hesitates to give to his family, his wife, his children. and now, his son in law. his kindness to his children knows no bounds. and i will forever be indebted to him, to both my parents.

when shahir thanked my father and told him he hopes he cn repay my dad for his kindness one day, ayah gave a short, but touching reply.

"just take good care of murni for me"

tears to my eyes. even if im married, no longer under his responsibility, he still has my interest as his main concern.

i guess a father's love knows no bounds.

im a lucky girl, alhamdulillah

unsung heroes

2011-12-21T00:04:00.000-08:00

i think there are heroes around us. not in superman shape or form. but ordinary men and women, doing extraordinary things. and its such men and women that deserve recognition and appreciation, whether it be by way of "thank you" or a hug in gratitude.

sometimes we are so busy idolizing politicians, celebrities, writers etc that we fail to recognize that often, it is the people most dear to us that does the most. there is nothing wrong in getting inspired by a nobel laureate, or one of the most innovative inventors of our time like Steve Jobs. But in the search of heroes for us to look up to, we actually needn't look too far.

my sister is such a person.

only Allah knows how i take her for granted. i suppose that's what families do, we sometimes forget to show appreciation because we know that families accept us as who were are, the good, the bad and the ugly. we take for granted that they already know how much they mean to us. hence, the neglect of "i love yous" or even the simple "thank yous".

i feel awful for not giving her the credit she deserves. yelah, sisters kan..sometimes we argue, sometimes we ignore each other..sometimes we dont spend so much time with each other for we feel that we always see each other anyway.

but i have come to know that family is above all else. and we shouldn't take them for granted, not even for a second.

My kak as has always been a helpful and sometimes even selfless sister. i remember when i was in matriculation centre, and i was so busy with 23 credit hours and societies and planning activities, she would always help me no matter what she had on her plate. she was in her final year at that time, and was busy with assignments but when i had to organise a debate tournament for the english society, she went out of her way to get the judges from the UIA main campus. if she didnt help me, the debate competition would have been a flop.

one thing i remember is: i always thought she was rich! why? because she never complained about money. she always called me bck when i misscalled her (during my poor student days---but she was a student too!). she always paid for my meals if we went out together. she topped up my credit and never accepted any repayment.

so i thought my sister was rich!

little did i know that was far from the real situation. she actually made very little on her first job, i think only a little more than rm1500. but somehow she managed to pay for her car and bills and she never ever asked for money. she was always generous with her family. and her generosity only grew with the years.

here's a woman that can afford to buy a nice branded handbag. but she would rather save her money because she wants to take care of her family one day. i was so touched, and felt remorseful of my 'mild' shopaholic ways when she told me her intention of earning was so that one day my parents didnt have to worry. she was happy to help her parents and her sisters.

typing this out honestly brings tears to my eyes. because she is so selfless, so giving, so sincere. its very hard to meet someone who does good for the sake of doing GOOD. but kak as is such a person.

despite her hectic schedule, she somehow manages to make time for her family. she makes time for charity. raises money for orphans, for Palestinians. it puts me to shame. if someone who is so busy can have the time to do her part for her family and society, what more a person like me?

because of her selflessness, it inspired me to give back. that's what motivated me to get involved with charities, to teaching underprivileged kids, to doing what i can in order to make a difference in this world.

kak as, with her optimism, made me realize anything is possible. and that nothing is as bad as it seems.

i remember when she started working in PD, her boss was quite cruel. and despite the demands of her job, despite the bad hours, despite the conflicts she was facing, she never complained. she never complained of being lonely in her small PD rented house. she never complained that they pay was not commensurate to the hours she was forced to put in. she always just made the best of the situation she was given.

no one knew of the hardships she had to go through. she was always just smiling. maybe that's why my father's friend called her 'the smiling lady'.

i guess that is her philosophy in life. smile, and you'll get through it. smile, and everything will be okay.

that's what i hold on to now when i go through hard times. when i feel like my job is difficult, i think of her and how she managed to survive all alone in a place far away from home. if she can do it, so can it. after all, her blood runs through my veins too.

i hope that i am able to repay her for all her kindness and generosity towards me and my family all these years, even during the times when she had not much for herself. she always had something for others. she was humble then, and even more humble now. i always thought she was the smart one. the one that read the hard-to-understand islamic books, the one that subscribed to The Economist (and actually understand it!), etc.

she'll deny it if i say she is the wise one. it really annoyed me at one time. but then i see that it is her humility that makes her special. at this day and age when a person is so arrogant with the little knowledge that he has, my sister is the opposite of that. always willing to listen, always willing to learn, always willing to give in return.

i know i hardly say thank you. i know it may seem like i am busy with two families now, with a husband, with my phd, with my students. but i hope you will read this (but not tell me la you read it sbb nanti i will me embarassed!!) and realise that i do see you. for all that you are. and i hope that one day i will be just as resilient, just as humble, just as optimistic as you. owh, and i hope i can make yummy red velvet cake and scallop potatoes like you too!

and for helping me through the difficult period in my life, without me even asking you to, thank you. May Allah reward you for you good intentions. and May Allah give me the chance to do good to you, as you have done to me.

i may call you a loser all the time, but i hope you know it is affectionate in nature :p in actual fact, you have always been and always will be someone that i aspire to be one day. a modern day muslimah heroine worthy of being mentioned and recognized, even if such recognition comes in form of a post in this dusty pathetic blog.

:)

Love always,
your sister (not the loser!)

when the things that really count, can't be counted...

2011-10-19T03:49:00.000-07:00

When the things that count..cant be counted

When I received a call from the developer that I could collect the keys for my house, I was beyond excited. But soon after, the excitement was followed with a slightly sad feeling. This meant..full monthly instalments. And due to the fact that the house was finished faster than anticipated, we have to pay earlier than what we had planned for.

Of course, Shahir isn’t worried. I have to hand it to my inlaws. I think they raised an amazing man, a man who is always bright and optimistic and never complains. Even when times are hard or money is low, Shahir always manages to find the silver lining. He never stresses. He just does what he has to do. He makes it look so easy.

I, on the other hand, worry. I can recall him asking me when we were getting to know each other, “what is you worst flaw?” and I had answered, “I care too much, I worry too much”. He didn’t think that was a big flaw and I remember laughing and telling him, “Just you wait and see.”

Yes, I tend to overthink things some times. I plan ahead, I strategise, I anticipate problems. Sometimes, its a good thing. Shahir says im the most efficient person he has ever met. But at times, its not such a good thing. Sometimes, the worry stops me from enjoying the things that are meant to be enjoyed.

I don’t want to burden him. I don’t want to be high in debt just to maintain a life for me. I don’t want to borrow money from my parent, unless I really have to. I want to give a good, comfortable life to my unborn child and provide him/her with good healthcare and a roof over her head.

Bearing all those things in mind, I plan. The first thing I do when I get my salary, i save most of it. I give some to my mom, I pay my debts, I save. I only shop at the end of the month when my salary is about to come in (that way I don’t go on a shopping spree only to be practically moneyless at the end of the mont). Even then, I spend more money on my husband 9coz I like buying him things, and he never buys anything for himself coz he is a simple man so it makes me happy when I can surprise him). I spend more on my family and my friends, I may think twice about spending this much on myself but if its for my mom or dad or sister or inlaws I wouldn’t think twice! I take an extra job so I can make a little extra, and that little extra I refuse to touch..it goes directly into my baby’s bank (though I have yet to have my baby hehehe).

Good habits, I know. But sometimes, I should live a little. Worry less. Sometimes life happens when you’re busy making plans. And I don’t want life to pass me by while im busy planning my life and making calculations for the years ahead.

I am, in some ways, the complete opposite of Shahir. I am meticulous and efficient. He is carefree and stress-free. We help each other learn and adapt and take what is good, leave what is bad. I have learned from him not to sweat the little stuff.

I have changed alot since the year that we have been married. He has made me more open, he makes me laugh more, he makes me a funny person, a silly person. He makes me a better daughter, by setting an example of how selfless a son can be. He makes me worry less! Which is a feat in its own, as I am a complete worry-er.

Now, the fact that we have this huge housing loan to start paying every month doesn’t stress me out so much. I always remember his words: what is the worst that can happen?

We are both young, energetic and driven, thanks to Allah. We have our healths. We have our jobs. We have our whole life to earn money. Rezeki, Shahir says, memang akan ada. We may not be able to live a lavish life, we may not be able to move into our house yet (sbb kena tggu funds cukup to renovate n letak lampu and kipas and beli katil etc). We may not be able to do everything according to plan. But at the end of the day, we have a house. But most importantly, we have a home.

We have a home, even though we haven’t moved into our house yet. We have a home in Bangi, and a home in PJ. Some people don’t have homes at all. Some people, despite their gorgeous mansions, are all alone.

It made me realise that the things that matter, I already have. And im happy with my lot. It also makes me realise, that the things that really count, can’t be counted.
Due to his wisdom, I am better at handling the stress in our lives. Yes, I take on an additional job to earn a little more, but im not stressed out about how much or how little I make. And im ok with the fact that most of our savings will be gone once we extend and furnish the house. As long as there is some savings for emergencies and for my baby, its ok. The rest we can use for the house. And even if that means we have a little left to spare, or we cnt eat at fancy places as often (ill miss you, sushi!!), it is enough. More than enough to make the two of us happy 

I cnt wait to move into the house. But I don’t mind that it wont be anytime soon. Like the words of Bono in the U2 song SOMETIMES YOU CANT MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN: a house doesn’t make a home. How true.

I have my home, and it is with him, with my family, with his family.
So bring it on! Im ready to be an adult and pay for housing loans and bear the responsibility with my husband. Even it it means less money for shopping huhuhu ;)

And I promise, once I move in, I will cook a good meal from my loving hands for my family and friends that matter most. That is the thing which I look forward to the most.

See you guys at Desa Pinggiran Putra soon, insyaAllah!

and the nightmare begins

2011-10-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

(the above photo on the left is when i had less to worry about hehe. oh peacefull times. such bliss)

remember i once wrote about how i hate not being busy? that i need to fill my time doing some kind of work, if not ill go crazy with boredom and bother my husband?

well, i did get that wish. hehehe. and i should have seen it coming. im now very occupied and busy and as should be expected, it's not all that great sometimes.

im teaching final year students, and i love to teach. but since i care abt their progress, i give them assignments that i dont really have to give (if i am taking about merely meeting tutorial requirements) and when i give assignments, of course i must assess them, which means additional work for me. but i feel its necessary to help them learn, so i dont mind the extra work.

we also got the keys for our house, so im busy planning the extension, and researching on which contractor is best for the work AND for my budget (budget tu penting sbb im not made of money if you know wht i mean hehe). shahir and i love the idea of moving into our home, but since we just have a few years working experience AND a hefty housing loan to pay, we cnt afford to just pick n choose whichever contractor, whatever furniture etc. so we take some extra time to survey and see what is suitabel to our taste that would also not burn a hole through our pockets. so that has also kept myself busy.

between classes, assessing assignments, doing house related research, managing family and friends, and my biggest baby which is my phd, my time is stretched quite far.

reading and reading and researching takes a long time. pejam celik, dah petang. where does the time go? its late and i havent written much, or the progress to my phd proposal is slow. sooner than i realise, two months have passed and all that ive done with regards to my phd, has to be re-done.

ive been having sleepless nights lately. i keep dreaming about my phd proposal, whether the topic is viable..i dream of the outline of my chapterization..i dream about my defense and how badly i did..i dream about what to say and what to do with regards to the problem of which supervisor is best for me..

i haven't event started writing the chapters yet, and the bad dreams come. i wake up feeling unrested, with dark circles around my eyes.

waaa susah jugak buat phd ni.

this 3 years paid study leave may seem like a dream. i get paid to study! and in some ways it is a dream. my time is flexible..i cn wake up when i want. i cn write when i want. i cn schedule my time for the important things in my life. have a rounded and balanced life.

but ironically, though i do have plenty of time theoretically, in actual fact i wake up just as early as everyone else. when shahir gets up at 630 to get ready for work, i get up earlier (who do you think has to wake him n make sure he gets to work on time hehe). and though id like to sleep bck after, i cnt. i feel restless, like..i need to finalise the proposal. i need to make the chapterization clearer. i need to make sure my literature review is top notch. i need to make sure my proposal doesnt have holes so that when i go for my defense, i can justify and answer whatever questions come my way.

all the things in my to do list in my mind, make me not able to sleep well or rest as long as i should.

i should take things easy. i wish i was the kinna person who doesnt think too much. who cn just sit back, relax, and have this 3 years as a holiday.

but i cnt. i take things seriously, especially when it comes to what matters most to me. i WANT to finish in 3 yrs, and not because its UPM's imposition, but its a personal goal.

i WANT to do well in my phd, to write not just any topic, but one im proud of and would be happy to show to people as being my first true academic work.

i WANT to be able to justify why im doing what im doing, and why my work is important and deserves to be recognized.

but the things that i want, the things we all want, will always require a lil extra hard work in order to achieve.

im ready for that. i just cant wait for my defense to pass (that is in hopes i do pass!). after i pass my defense, i cn breathe for a bit and then focus on writing and gathering the data. i can breathe a little, sleep a little..that is, until my viva comes along (but we'll worry about that 3 years later hehe).

but one of the biggest problem is finalising the topic of your phd theis itself. one lecturer likes your work. two more dont. two agree, three more dont. in the end you keep changing n changing until everyone, or most of them agree then you can go ahead with your topic, that it is viable and can be proven AND new that it will be a substantial contribution to the literary and academic world.

gah! easier said than done. where to start?

they say this proposal stage is the hardest stage. some candidates have to change their phd topic 3,4 even 10 times before it's approved. my mom had to change it 3 times. they say, this i normal and its better for all these problems to be anticipated, and addressed in the early stages rather than have them crop up and bit you in the but when you're halfway with writing your thesis, and finally realise you have to start all over again.

i get all that. i really hope that i get some Hidayah on what to do, what topic is best, how best to prove it, how best to present it, how to make my work stand out and be different as opposed to the rest.

an arduous task. one which i plan to take on my the horns.

im gonna do this! even if i have to have sleepless nights and bags under my eyes. whatever it takes.

coz once i make sure my phd proposal is solid, with no loopholes which would allow the panel to poke through and critisize, then i can be on my way.

i dont have a baby yet. i want to get as much done now while i dont have a child, because i want to be prepared when i do get one. i know when the baby comes, things will change and be even harder. hence more motivation to get the difficult, substantial part of my thesis done before murni/shahir jr comes into this world!

3 years murni. you can do it!!

owh yeah, and if you wanna know wht PhD stands for, ex phd candidates will say: PERMANENT HEAD DAMAGE.

haha! :)

but raihan's dad says: Perseverance, hard work and du'a. that's a better meaning, ill say. i'll take that one :)

love yourself. your country. your people.

2011-09-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

Ya Allah, you are my The One whom i seek for guidance and strength. Please allow me the endurance and mental grit needed in order to pass this phase successfully and patiently.

I remind myself that I decided to choose this path. become an academician. and i should accept whtever challenges that come my way but sometimes, sometimes it becomes difficult. i feel weary, beaten down, demotivated.

I am trying my best to make the most of the situation Allah has given me. As many of my blog readers will know, i have tried so hard to apply for a scholarship abroad. I have tried, since getting good reslts for my spm. I applied to all institutions for funding, whether it be the government or private bodies. i never got so much as an interview. I have tried, after getting deans list during my foundation. I didnt get the JPA scholarship. I have tried, again, for my PhD and at the beginning of the year, by dean told me no. i cnt go.

i tried again. tried private bodies. but everywhere i tried, i would come up to a brick wall. it feels as though Allah doesnt want me to go. If we are talking about grades or my writing, i think i qualify. supervisors abroad have already agreed to work with me. but somehow it is so difficult for me, to get that scholarship when for some others, it is quite easy. i have come to realise that there is divine intervention, that Allah wants me here, with my family and with my people, because maybe..just maybe i can do more here than i can abroad.

it was frustrating in the beginning but i have made peace with my situation once i realised His plan. and i am determined to succeed wherever i am, wherever i study.

But what is disheartening is this: some of my colleagues, former lecturers, family members put down the fact that I am doing my PhD locally. in the same university.

yes, i brush off their comments. i defend myself. i say the reasons that i am here, i explain that it doesnt matter. I determine how great im going to be, not some fancy professor with an Ivy League qualification.

but the looks that they give me. It hurts. The things that they say. continuously. If i bump into the same person twice in a week, the person will repeat the same comments. the same insensitive remarks. why murni why? you didnt try hard enough. what a waste, studying here. you should try doing it abroad! oh, you're still here? again? why murni why? break your bond with your university! owh, doing it locally would bring you a disadvantage. you should have explore you options. why murni why? you should try and sweet talk your dean. don't your parents have contacts that can help you? what a SHAME that you're here instead of abroad. why murni why.

thats just a snippet of what they say. i get these kind of comments almost everyday. everyday. while i know some are genuinely concerned for me, and want what they believe to be the best for me, and i appreciate that, others are not so kind hearted. others are quite hostile. others are insensitive and oftentimes rude.

my mother, my husband and my sister tells me i should not care for the things that others say. i tell myself i should not be deterred by the things others say. i ultimately know that it is the end result that counts, at the end of the day, if you produce good work, no one will be concerned about where you got your PhD.

i am trying to be optimistic but when you keep going at me with such negativity, you chip away at my spirit slowly.

i dont want to cry. i will not cry. im doing all that i can not to.

i wish you could see that your words have more power to hurt me than physical abuse can. i wish you could understand that I am doing the best with what Allah has given me.

but most importantly, i wish more people would have faith in their country. in the ability of their own people. but it is an unfortunate truth that many of us do not value our education system or the educators of our country. we look to the west as the source of everything.

while i admit the experience would be gratifying and fruitful, a western education does not make or break me. in all honestly, i have seen some people with harvard or oxford or overseas university degrees that come home more confused, not more enlightened. their worldview has changed. their perception and understanding of Islam is skewed. and they become so convince that whatever systems the west comes up with is so much better, until they forget who they are or where they came from. they recognise and idolise scholars from the west, and find them more authoritative on almost all matters, whether it be human rights or even their own religion.

and they fail to see that in their homeland. great scholars do thrive.

that, to me, is the real waste.

everywhere i go, someone will stop me and tell me to send my regards to my father. they will bring down his book from the shelf in their library and proudly show me my father's signature. they tell me his reputation is extends far and wide. they tell me how lucky i am to be his daughter,and how they value greatly his work, and how his work has help to change their life and their worldview.

i have seen the looks of admiration my father receives as he walks into a room, as he gives a speech, as he greets people. i have seen people from all walks of life, whether it be young students or academicians from various fields or businessmen or politicians come up to my father to say their words of gratitude.

and as his daughter, i receive the respect as well. not because i have done anything great with my life, but by the virtue of the fact i am his daughter, they show their respect for me too.

these 'students', his readers, they would go through great lengths to spend time with my father. to talk to him, to have the opportunity to come and chat in his house, to study with him. they change their career paths for an opportunity to work with him. they travel across continents to seek knowledge with him.

men follow politicians around as well. they show their loyalty to politicians, never leave their side. but their motivations are different.

my father is a simple man. he can offer no post, no position of power, no money to people. yet, there are so many that would stay by his side. i am deeply moved by the loyalty and respect they show to him, and i tell myself, if i could be such a scholar one day, if i could inspire people as deeply as he can, then my life would not be in vain.

men like my father, like Professor Syed Naquib Al-Attas, and others, are in my opinion, great men, as a young child i did not appreciate much the books that he wrote. but as an adult, i find a deeper appreciation for this work, and can see how relevant it is to my life, and how it addresses the many religious and social issues of today, even if the book was written a decade ago. the books of these men were published in several languages, Turkey, Russian, Indonesian, etc. They are read but most importantly, appreciated by people all over the world.

and they are men from our own country. scholars of our own land. they are our people.

and we should be proud. I know i am.

These men are my motivation to succeed. My motivation to be the best I can be, despite the misconception that nothing great can come from local academicians.

One day, I am going to let my work speak for itself. i am going to make sure that what i write is read, and i am going to make sure that my educational background will be the rebuttal of they myth that local academicians do not have what it takes to produce good quality work.

i will prove you wrong one day. insyaAllah. i promise.

but i recognize the fact that in the process of getting there, in the process of hopefully achieving greatness, there will be many trials and tribulations over the span of many years. there will be more hurtful comments, more snide remarks, more sympathetic looks.

and i pray that i have the patience and endurance it takes to brush aside these comments, to not let them affect me and chip away at my soul bit my bit.

i pray for their understanding, for them not to be so harsh in their judgments. for i do not attempt to discredit their life choices, it is unkind for them to discredit mine.

but most of all i pray that one day they will be able to see that there is nothing shameful to be a product of their own country. i hope one day my people will appreciate the beauty and the wisdom and the contributions of their own scholars, and realise that their work could be just as good, if not better than the works of professors from the west.

for if we can't appreciate our own scholars, when they are respected even by their western counterparts and colleagues, that, my friends, is THE REAL WASTE.

love yourself. your country. your people. and believe that we are just as good.

for if we always idolise others, we are never truly free in mind and soul.

in the meantime, may Allah grant me strength of mind, spirit and character to overcome the challenges in my life.

Small Changes, Big Difference

2011-06-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

18th and 19th June had come and gone but the memories are far from fading.

We were all tired, having just finished work and rushing to get our supplies together, hurriedly packing for the trip to Johor. yes, Johor, as the school in Melaka decided to last minute cancel on us. We were lucky enough to find a replacement school about 2 days before the event. but that meant a further distance to travel and money, which was tight as it is.

We got lost otw to the hotel, and by them time I hit the bed, it was already 4am..had to be at the school by 8, and everything was scheduled to start at 9. we hadn't even been to the school yet to check out the facilities etc but with such last minute change of plans, we did it gung ho style. we did what we could.

well, since sleeping only at about 430 am, naturally we were running a lil late the next day hehehe. it was quite chaotic. i suppose we should have been more organized and prepare everything way in advance but since we were all professionals with tight schedules, it was the best we could do, to play it by ear. hehe but it went along fine anyway.

i immediately noticed the kids were bright and enthusiastic. i was encouraged by their attitudes. to be honest, i was sooooo nervous because it isnt easy to try and get kids from a rural school to be excited about english and get them to understand the importance of the language so that they would make more effort to speak it. i had a big responsibility on my shoulders. me and the whole team had a big responsibility. to motivate and educate these kids in just 2 days, 1 night was a daunting task, but one we took seriously.

i gotta hand it to the kids. if it were me, having to attend a compulsory camp for two days during the weekend, having to give up the luxury of sleeping in my own comfy bed for the hard floors of the classroom, i would NOT BE PLEASED. I'd probably ponteng if the camp was boring (yes i was the kinda kid that did what i felt was right, and if the class was proving to benefit me, i would skip it). But not these kids, we didnt hv to count their attendance or scold them for being late. we didnt have to punish them for any disciplinary issues. we just had to arrive, share with them the knowledge and experience we had, and be their friend.

i think being their friend was the best thing we could have done. it was a method that proved to work.

my friends and i were so so happy that the kids were participative and interested in the programs we came up with. there was so much laughter and smiles. i hardly saw a bored or blank face, which is a common sight in classrooms. even during the talks (yes, it wasnt all fun and games) the kids were paying attention, writing notes, listening to the speaker. we, the facilitators, were actually dead tired from lack of sleep and overwork, but seeing their eager faces made the fatigue just disappear.

my time to speak came. i was in charge of the english module, "I love English" which my friends Fadzleena also was instrumental in helping me prepare. but my nervousness disappeared because i could see that there was a huge possibility these kids would b interested in what i had to say. i just had to say it in an interesting way :)

so i did. i told them about the importance of english, how it could give them an extra advantage over the rest, how english could help them enter into the university of their choice ANYWHERE in the world, how english could help them land that scholarship, how they could travel and represent their universities/companies that they work in..

and here is the best part: they were listening. and for their activity, which was public speaking, they gave it their best shot despite their fears of speaking on stage, with a microphone, in front of everyone. i told them they couldnt be afraid of making mistakes. its ok to make mistakes. that way you learn. and they should do what they can, however small the steps they take, in order to improve. small changes, big difference!

it was truly sad to leave, time flew by so fast and the next thing we knew, it was time to head to KL. though i missed my husband dearly, and i wanted to see him as soon as possible, being with the kids and being able to help them made the separation worthwhile. the testimonials they gave truly warmed our hearts. they didnt want us to leave, they wished the camp could go on longer, they realised that they sky is the limit, that they can achieve their dreams and now know the avenues of getting there. im so proud of our team because everyone got together despite their hectic schedules to do something good, something worthwhile for these wonderful kids.

im especially happy that the kids were motivated to speak and master english. all this while, they didnt bother to really speak the language. they were afraid of being taunted and teased. they were afraid of being labelled 'mat salleh celup'. but i had shared with them my personal experience. in high school, i was the nerdy kampung kids who wasnt as pretty or as good as her friends. in uni, i was the modern, 'free hair' (though i wasnt), liberal, bangsa cintakan penjajah girl.

so i told them, whatever you do, there will always be someone who is displeased and may find fault with you. you'll be criticized if you do, you'll be criticized if you dont. so why care about the mean things people say? why let their negative comments dictate the self improvements you are about to make? you might as well go ahead and do what you feel is right.

and they remembered my words. they quoted them as their FB statuses. they wrote the same phrases i uttered in their testimonials. :') i was touched beyond words. and i felt grateful to Allah, for giving me this ability to speak, for granting me the opportunity to help these bright kids, and for letting me have the chance to make a difference in their lives.

it is here, where my life finds most meaning. when i am able to help somebody else, touch someone's life, inspire another person in any small way, i am at my happiest.

* * * * *

I know now this is my place. here, at home, in Malaysia. i have always looked to overseas to pursue my phd, i have always dreamed of it since i finished my SPM. sometimes im ok with not going abroad, and other times sadness engulfs me. but i need to remember these bright young faces of these kids. there really is no point if i obtain a fancy degree from an overseas Uni if i dont give back to the people, if i dont change someone else's life for the better. I have a good thing going here in Malaysia. I dont need to go overseas in order to prove my worth. I belong right here.

right here in my country. with my family. with my husband. life is not perfect. we do not get everything we ask for. but we do get everything that is best for us. and maybe this is what is best for me. That is what Allah is telling me and I need to really believe it. wholeheartedly.

i have everything i need. im a lucky girl. and i have a wonderful, supportive husband who doesnt mind ironing his clothes once in a while or washing his dishes without being asked.

yes, life is not perfect. but Alhamdulillah mine almost is. so why waste my tears over going abroad?

believe the things you tell the kids, Murni. believe that you can do it. that you can be the best academician you can be, right here in Malaysia.

a little bit goes a long way

2011-06-03T01:05:00.000-07:00

you know, previously i was very depressed. it was an off and on thing. but i realised the source of my depression was the fact that i had too much time on my hands. im always alone, whether it be at home or in the office. human interaction was scarce. everyone was busy with work and their own lives. i was awaiting to do my PhD and in the meantime had not much to do. i hate having not much to do.

shahir (the wise man that he is) and a colleague (now a good friend) of mine advised me to kepe myself busy. I had to start doing something for me, so I would feel happy and fulfilled and not feel useless.

So I did. I realise I feel happiest when im helping others. thats why i wanted to be a lecturer. for the gratification and satisfaction it brings me, to know I helped enrich or better a student's life. but since i havent got my phd yet and since they dont allow me to teach any classes, ill hv to find something else to do.

aside from picking up my hobby of glass painting, im trying to cook more. this evening im gonna attempt to cook chinese muslim style butter prawn, coz shahir loves to eat it. but other than cooking, im trying to be more active in NGO activities, charities, etc.

i frequently look through my closet to see if there is something i dont wear, something i dont need, something that someone else would love or find useful. then i'd gather my things and stuff from friends and family and give them to orphanages. like the time shahir and i dropped of bozes of clothing at a self-run orphanage in Kajang. it was such a sad looking place :( of course, the kind owner didnt have enough money to spruce the place up. it was good enough she was opening her homes to unfortunate kids.

i get really affected by such things. i found that i didnt wanna look around the orphanage much, because I was embarassed by what I was wearing ( I was dressed nicely sbb otw to a kenduri; gotta kill two birds with one stone since the orphanage was otw as well), and because I knew that I would feel sad if I saw the condition the kids were living in. And i knew I couldnt handle being sad for them.

But Shahir was observing, and he saw these two indian muslim kids cling to their mother and cry, and asking her not to leave. She then pried herself from the arms of her children and went to the taxi (i guess she took a taxi there) and she took out some toys she bought (you could tell they were inexpensive toys, but they were new) and she gave it to her kids. and the were crying. the mom was crying.

I saw the tears in the mom's eyes. I asked shahir what was she doing there? I was naive i guess. He then told me that some kids at orphanages have parents, or a parent, who cant afford to take care of them. So they leave the kids at these homes to be taken care of, while they go and work, and when they are free, the take the time to visit.

I cried in the car, cried in front of Shahir, because I felt terrible. I felt like a spoilt ungrateful child. I felt blessed at the same time. I felt lucky and I felt guilty to be so lucky and I felt SO SAD that all i could do was give them a box of cloths.

Then i thought about my mom, and if I had to be separated from my mom the way these kids were, Id die.

Then shahir told me I shouldnt feel bad, because a little help goes a long way. The kids would be happy to have nice, relatively new clothing. Next time,he consoled, we can give clothes, money and maybe help a little bit more.

And i remember his words. He thinks everything he says goes in my ear, and immediately goes out the other. But he doesnt know i remember and take into consideration everything he says.

From then on, i knew i had to do something more to help. not just sit on my butt and be sad at the news on tv and feel for people, but not DO for people. This time, i wanted to help and MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

So i try. little steps that may not seem like a lot. but at least its better than nothing. like when i heard someone was organising a jumble sale for the victims of the landslide in hulu langat, i asked from my friends if they wanted to donate their clothes. and im so happy my friends were so cooperative :) They even asked from their colleagues for clothes, etc to be donated. I had to collect so many boxes and bags of clothes it could fit a lorry!! but alhamdulillah, im very happy that people want to help. and they give away good things too. expensive clothes, still new, some costing hundreds of ringgit. my father in law even gave away his expensive unworn suits. 100% wool pants and linen shirts.

thing is, even tho its a small step, many still dont find the time to do it. and that is ok. sometimes life gets in the way. we hardly have time to have a good long bath, what more look through our wardrobe. BUT, the fact that some would be willing to take a lil time to help for a good cause, alhamdulillah for them. I feel so happy to know so many good people in this world.

And now, im apart of this motivation camp for underprivileged kids called SMALL CHANGES. the idea is, we have a 2 day camp for these bright, rural kids and provide them with inspiration, with ideas on what they can do after school, basically give them a lil motivation to go on, and be the best they can be.

im in charge of the english module, where i have to give a talk for about an hour, on how to speak english with confidence. another hour, will be for an activity whereby they have to speak english. for the winners, i plan to give them presents. A wallet for a guy, bodyshop perfume for a girl. I think that its just a lil incentive to encourage them to speak.

I know its a tiny attempt to improve the lives of these kids, but i really believe that an encounter with one person, however short, has the power to change someone's life. i've seen it with my own eyes. iv had that experience. people inspire me all the time.

If we can help to inpire one child, and make one life better, then Alhamdulillah.

At the moment, im so glad for the overwhelming response we get from friends and family wanting to give ideas and volunteer, etc. and im so touched by the generous donations people give :') even if its a ringgit, it means so much to me. i know economic times are hard, so those that spare a few ringgit, May Allah bless them for their sincere and good intention for wanting to help. And some, they give more than what I could ever expect. and its so humbling, so inspiring to know that such generous, big hearted ppl live in this world. people whom you probably wouldnt anticipate, or people you may judge as stuck up snobs, sometimes have the biggest heart. for all the help me and my friends have received, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I really hope that this program goes well. Im so excited! i cant wait to start. i cnt wait to be there, talking to them, and hopefully making a difference in a person's life. i want them to see that they can change their lives. these kids have the power to move forward for the better, despite the odds. and i want them to know, that even if their english is not as good now, they can improve, IF ONLY THEY WANT TO.

ill never forget a friend of mine. how his english has improved so much within a short span of time (granted his english wasnt bad before). but the improvement was amazing. he is smarter and more articulate in a way that i dont think even he realises.

so i really believe that these kids can do this. they can be the best they can be. And now I want these kids to believe it, too!

if anyone wants to help me and my friends make this program a success, you can donate or volunteer or give ideas. we welcome any help! you can contact me at murniwan86@gmail.com or see this link www.smallchanges2011.blogspot.com

remember, a lil bit goes a long way!

when you are BUTA I.T.

2011-05-25T17:08:00.001-07:00

yeah so i was trying to edit my post last night, bold-kan some parts, add some pics etc but somehow terdelete the post. dont ask me how. when you are buta IT like me, bende senang pun jadi susah and leceh. bencinya! penat2 je tulis :(

'nuff said!

i'll never walk alone...

2011-05-11T01:34:00.000-07:00

I really miss my friends. Everyone is going their own way, carving a name for themselves in this big world. Everyone is busy, with work and family, and the time we spend with each other is less n less.

I was cleaning out my room that day..actually im always cleaning out my room. Shahir didnt know before he married me that I am kinda OCD sometimes. hehehe. anyway, in the process, i came across a box, and when i opened it, i realised thats where i had stored all the cards, letters, mementos that my friends have given me since form 1 until now.

i kept almost all of them!

a rush of memories came to me. i opened some of the heartfelt apology letters my friends wrote that were pages long, i gingerly touched the handmade cards, bookmarks, birthday present that were made with so much love. I read back the letter my sister wrote to me and passed to Shahir before leaving the States..

and i realised how blessed i am. Alhamdulillah.

to have known such friends, to have them care for me so much that they would take the time to write a proper letter and snail mail it to me, to have my friends draw portraits of me, etc reminded me that I was once loved. and hopefully I am still.

I will always appreciate my friends, the ones who have shown that they were loyal and true. Thats why i kept all the things they have given me, even though my room is getting cramped and lacking of space, its the one thing i cant throw or leave behind.

I may not have many friends, I may not go to weddings and be able to hug and scream and chat with every single person there, but the ones who are my friends, are cherished. Fervently. Sincerely. Passionately. Appreciatively.

With friends like, you, i know I'll never have to walk alone..

idle mind is the devil's playground

2011-05-10T01:57:00.000-07:00

The saying is actually: idle hands is the devil's playground. But sometimes, i think having bad thoughts is bad enough.

I was prompted to write this once i got a tweet from one of the twitters that i follow. i follow IslamicThinking. Im new to this whole twitter thing, and i just realised that IslamicThinking is a man, based in the UK. What he does is, he shares hadith, sunnah, stories of the Prophet and any motivating anecdote. I dont know if he is an Ustaz or not. But it really doesnt matter. i think he is doing a good thing in his own subtle way. one small step, one giant leap for mankind? what im trying to say is, though it may seem like a tiny effort, but the stories he shares can move n inspire others to do good. just as it has inspired me.

one of the tweets that i really liked went something like this:

we should spend more time refining and improving our lives so we wud hv less time so scrutinize n criticise others

i think we should really try and apply this principle in our life. from my years on this earth, i have noticed that some ppl are so full of hate. they occupy themselves with stalking the blogs and fb and friendster (as it was the craze back then) of the ppl they hate. they will go through every single picture, analyse every single detail. read the person's post.

after so much effort, they criticize the person. make all sorts of conclusions about the person. back bite about that person to others. attempt to influence others into hating that same person. its really a sad situation.

what i always wondered is this: if that person is someone you hate so much, why would u go through such lengths to search the blog, the fb page, etc and gather 'information' on that person? why waste your time n effort over someone you hate? just so you can assemble with others and discuss your criticisms and dissatisfaction over that person?

i dont see the point in doing that. in wasting time and energy over someone you hate so much. if you hate so much, then just delete the person. problem solved. no irritation, no annoyance, no reason to get angry over what he or she said or did or wore or tweeted and what not. delete the person, dont search for the person, dont occupy your time bckbiting about the person. it'll save you some sin, and probably gain you some pahala too.

thats why i really loved that tweet which i quoted above. it is my hope n prayer that people would try to occupy their lives and their time improving themselves, instead of wasting that energy hating criticizing and condemning others.

no one is perfect. maybe a person may annoy u, maybe you may disagree, and the like, but i think HATE is a very strong emotion. and i think personally that one should try to overcome the feeling of annoyance. get annoyed in your own head, frown about it, and: GET OVER IT. why keep a grudge for so long? why hold on to that seed of hate and let it grow in your heart, and help it grow in the heart of others?

In the Qur'an (41: 34) it is stated: "repel the evil with one which is better [ie Allah ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly], then verily! He, between whom and you there was enmity, [will become] as though he was a close friend."

I think I should, I think we ALL should really try to focus on what is important in this world and the hereafter. instead of backbiting and spreading rumours or unflattering accounts about someone to others, we should keep silent. why say anything if there is nothing nice to say?

and even if another person has done something bad to you, I hope we all can find it in our hearts to forgive. I have had my fair share of terrible experiences. I have had a mean boss scream at me for every little thing that was NOT my fault, i have had 'friends' who pretend to like me but were actually harboring ill feelings the whole time, I have had a stalker who made it a point to hurt me at a time when i was most vulnerable. All these people, i may have hated at a time. But all these people, I forgave. In time. I learned to let it go. Because I realise that living with that kind of hate is tiring, consuming. I didnt want to live with the negative energy. So i got rid of it in my own time.

I pray for us all, and for myself included that we may all fill our times with the good, and leave the bad behind us. I hope and pray that sooner or later, this sick practice of hating condemning and criticizing others for the smallest shortcomings like: not inviting to a birthday party, wearing a red baju kurung to work, being too rich and having a nice car, getting promoted over you when you felt you deserved it more, etc etc..i hope this practice will soon fizzle out of our lives when we maximize the hours in our day with doing acts of kindness, however small, and improving our relationship with Allah, our family and our friends. When we keep busy with all of this good effort, insyaAllah i think we will have no time to find the fault in others.

People can change

2011-05-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

I think us, being humans, are prone to judge people. I try not to, but at times I do it too, instinctively, accidentally. but the thing is, i dont stick to my judgments. i allow room for my judgments to change, especially when that person has proven me wrong.

But many do not change their minds. they are so consumed by negative thoughts and pessimism that they fail to see the good in people. The thing is, people come in all shapes and form. They come from different bckgrounds and cultures and faith. just because someone doesnt talk or dress or act like you, doesnt mean that person is destined to hell.

i get really sad when i observe how quick ppl are to judge others. no, not just judge, but to CONDEMN. to say that there is no good in a person. to say that the person is living a life of sin and would not be forgiven. to look at another person and disapprove, to roll your eyes, to treat the person like he or she were carrying a sexually transmitted and contagious disease. to look down on a person.

when you dont even know a person.

im not talking about people who tape themselves kissing in the streets and publishing the video on youtube. im not talking about openly proud sinners who advocate others to do the same.

im just talking about normal people. good hearted people. maybe, people who are a little lost and a little confused. but in no way are they the scum of the earth. why do people who should know better, people with advance knowledge of religion dismiss others who are not like them?

dont get me wrong, im not advocating for a second that those who smoke, those who drink, those who do not pray, those that do not cover their hijab as doing the right thing. i have always stood firm in what i believe. and even if i may not be the perfect muslim and make mistakes left and right, i have never said what i am doing is right. if its wrong, it remains that way..wrong. there are no justifications for not following Allah's injunctions.

but, i also believe in the good in people. because i have seen with my own two eyes that people can change for the better. you just need a little faith.

why tell them that they are bad people? why emphasize in a harsh way that they are going to burn in hellfire when they leave this earth? there is always, always a better way of saying things, of advising, of preaching.

even when the Qur'an was revealed, it was revealed in stages. There is wisdom to this. Allah knew the psychology and mentality of the people at that time. They were in the dark ages, in the days of ignorance. But Allah the Almighty also knew the best way to reform the sick and twisted practices of that time.

Gradually.

That is why the initial verses revealed were of a different nature. the emphasis was Aqidah, belief in the oneness of God. The second stage was more legal, more spesific islamic injuctions. But that process came after. This is because it was important for the Muslims of that time to have a strong and proper foundation. To have a solid belief in Allah and the Prophet. Only with that belief, can they start to amend all other aspects of their lives.

In some ways, our society today has reverted back to the Jahiliyah period. Women walk around half naked, talking about sexual empowerment. Men sleep with many women and boast of their conquests without shame. Corruption, murder, infanticide is very much alive within the community. It has become a sad, sad place to live in.

But the problems of today are even worse than the Jahiliyah period, because the people today read more, and THINK they know more. It is no longer sufficient to say something is halal and haram without properly explaining why. because people have many questions, and their logical mind search for logical answers.

Not everything has the logical answer to it. There are some things whereby the wisdom is only known to Allah SWT. For example, I do not know why we pray 5 times a day instead of 6. But i know the reasons why we pray, which is far more significant. There are some things in religion that do not afford a scientific or logical answer. that is why it is called FAITH.

that being said, the wisdom behind most islamic injuctions can be explained. in fact, an intelligent and believing muslim can explain the reasons behind, for example hudud laws far better than a Westerner can justify the death penalty. In Islam, the principles are constant and consistant. In the West, its a mess. Everything changes according to time, space, even money and power can change the value of law.

i have observed that the people today dont take the halal haram approach too well. the act of preaching on the prohibition of this and that, without the proper explanation does not go well with the people of today. nor would it have gone well during the time of the Prophet. the people then were fortunate to have to Prophet to explain things to them, to show them through example on how things SHOULD be.

i really feel we should emulate the Prophet's soft approach in trying to reform others. He never forced anyone to believe anything. and He never judged others. He gave the opportunity for people to repent, to change, to reform themselves.

the example of Ghamidiyah, a woman during the Prophet's time can illustrate this. The woman come to the Prophet confessing her act of zina (fornication) three times. Each time the Prophet told her to go back. The Prophet gave this woman the opportunity to retract what she said. But the woman, despite being turned away, came back again and again to confess her crime, knowing the punishment that awaits her. And at last the Prophet carried out the act of stoning on her. and when one of the companions criticized the woman, the Prophet stopped him from saying his harsh words. He explained, that Ghamidiyah should not be insulted. she has repented and her repentance has been accepted by God. And her sincere repentance, if compared to other kinds of repentance, is bigger than the Mount Uhud.

Here, the woman was guilty of committing a grave sin. But even then, the Prophet didnt judge her. The Prophet even gave her an opportunity to change her mind with regards to her confession. And when others insulted a convicted sinner, the Prophet stopped them from doing so.

if the greatest man that has ever lived, a man that has been promised Paradise can be so forgiving and compassionate, i dont see why the religious men of today cant do the same.

instead, more often than not, they turn away Muslims who do not appear to be the perfect Muslim. They look in apprehension and disdain at those who do not come from a religious background. They disapprove of those that appear to be more affluent than others. They turn away women who do not cover their hair as they rightfully should.

When my father was in the US, he was the president of the Muslim Students Association (Malaysia and Canada). he related a story to me, on how an American woman, who was intrigued about Islam, came to the mosque to learn more. Naturally, she did not cover her hair as she knew not of our requirements. But instead of being received warmly, she was chased out of the vicinity for improperly observing her aurah. she then came to my father and related the incident, crying, expressing that she merely wanted to learn of our religion.

what kind of reception did those men at the mosque give her? instead of welcoming her, and offering her something to cover her hair with (as a sign of respect for the house of Allah), they literally ran her out of there. what good did that do, when you scare a person who had the potential to change for the better?

There is a way, a softer approach in order to advise someone to change. if you force someone to accept change without making them understand the wisdom or necessity behind it, the change is not sustainable or long lasting. and what is the point in that?

Alhamdulillah, i have been blessed to be able to be in the company of good and believing men and woman. I have also been blessed to see the miraculous act of CHANGE. in my 25 yrs of living, i have seen so many people discard their previous ways for the better. the changes may have been slow, but they were permanent. and the changes continued.

i have had a friend relate to me about the intimate things he did with this gf (stories i didnt wish to know)..and now that very man is taking a higher degree to study Islam not for career advancement, but for the sake of knowledge. That same man has grown up to be a person i am proud of, no longer frequenting clubs, no longer doing sexual acts. instead he keeps to his daily prayers, and reads books by Muslim scholars like Syed Muhammad Naquib Al-Attas.

I have seen a woman wore the hijab before anyone in her immediate family wore it. She wore the hijab despite living in a city, despite being surrounded by non-Muslims who took her less seriously and looked at her differently just because she chose to wear a cloth over her head. and today, she is one of the nicest, most humble, well rounded women i have met. she doesnt condemn others or insult them, instead always thinking positive thoughts and never judges.

these changes in people further strengthened my faith and motivated me to be even better. if these people can change for the better, I should be able to improve myself even more, what more when I have a father like i do.

I have also seen people who appear to be pious, ppl who quote the Qur'an fluently, act preposterously. People who chase other people out of their homes, that ridicule and humiliate others, that accuse others of tainting their 'rumah islami'. these pious looking people told the poor woman that they chased out, that they were doing what was necessary and that she got the treatment she deserved. these pious ppl said that they were not like Saidina Ali, who was soft in his approach. But they were like Umar Al Khattab who was fierce in upholding what was right.
(the woman who was chased out was not chased out because of an unislamic lifestyle or anything like that. the story too long to tell, but rest assured that woman was a victim in this tragedy).

people like this disappoint me so much. so much that it hurts in my insides, my stomach churns and my heart constricts in pain.

it just goes to show you cant really judge a person by how he or she looks. you never know what lies in a person's heart.

I maintain my friendships with ppl from different walks of life. some are far better muslims than me. some are..still finding their way. but good people nonetheless. good people with good hearts. and i know in my heart they can change. some have changed. and i pray the rest will too.

i just wish that all of us would exercise a little humility. religion is not just about the clothes that you wear (though that is a part of it). faith is not about the number of Quranic verses you memorise. It is a comprehensive way of life, of aqidah and of akhlak. as much as the external part of a Muslim should be preserved, the heart, the soul should be preserved EVEN MORE.

so before you judge others around you as hopeless Muslims, as lost causes, as infidels, as disbelievers, STOP. stop and think about what the Prophet would have done.

Al-Agharr ibn Yasar al-Muzani said that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "O people! Turn in repentance towards Allah and ask His forgiveness. I turn towards Him a hundred times a day."[Muslim]

If the Prophet, the best human being tat ever existed, can be so humble as to seek repentance 100 times a day, why do some still act as though they are so high and mighty, and immune from doing wrong?

If the Prophet, can be understanding and tolerant and soft in his approach and believe in the good in people and believe they can change, why cant you?

if Allah, the Creator of the Universe, the One whom we owe everything to, can accept the repentance of others, and believe in the good in people and believe they can change, why cant you?

Why cant you?

Remember, you are not a judge, you are not a Prophet, you are certainly not God. So leave the judging to those with the jurisdiction to judge. We, as Muslims, should do what we can, in the best way possible, and hope and pray for the best in others. not condemn them to a terrible fate in the afterlife.

fashion for the moderate (and economical!!) hijabi

2011-04-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

I am a typical woman in some sense, which is the fashion sense. I guess its in our nature to like pretty things, colourful things, etc. I have always taken care in getting dressed. well actually that isnt entirely true. usually it takes me 10 minutes to get dressed. no joke, you can ask shahir. i mean, once u learn how to wear your hijab properly, you can even do it without looking into the mirror. and having a father who never liked to wait, it trained me to be fast, efficient and punctual when getting ready.

that being said, i like fashion just like the next girl. if i had lots of money, i would probably shop every month hehe. but i dont, because i try to be rational. there are so many more important things in life, so many more obligations and commitments that need taking care of. i learn to surpress my desire for pretty clothes and shoes and bags to the best of my ability.

however, i cant ignore my desires completely. so i learn to live within my means. After all the bills are paid and after money has been safely stored in the ASB, after i make sure i give some money to my mommy, etc etc maybe, maybe ill go buy something for myself. i feel guilty all the time if i were to purchase something, i even call shahir asking his permission if i can buy it when im using my money. once ive gotten past the guilt and i feel like i need the particular garment in question, only then will i buy it :)

considering the many financial restrictions on a newly working married woman in this day and age where everything is so expensive, I dont prioritise expensive designer clothing. its a personal choice i make, to wear affordable but nice clothing. I dont feel like im missing out on anything jst because i dont buy those nine westshoes or chanel bag. even if i had all the money in the world, its unlikely that id buy something that expensive. id rather spend the money on travelling or my children's education or the house or charity. (but who knows, maybe one day oooonneeee daaaayyy i may own ONE designer bag hehe IF its on SALE)

nway, im thankful that im resourceful when it comes to shopping and saving. i dont think that fashion is for the elite or the rich alone. i think middle class, working class (what class am i??), all classes of ppl can look and feel good. u just have to be smart about it :)

so i have this tailor in Bangi, she lives in a flat/apartment near seksyen I-cnt-remember-i-just-know-how-to-drive-there, and im so grateful i got her! she did my nikah outfit. she does good, neat work and she charges so affordably! i can afford to send 5 baju rayas to her without burning a hole in my pocket yay!! for a baju kurung she charges rm 30, naju kurung moden rm 35 if its full lining, rm 70. in kl, u hardly ever get that price. so thumbs up to may tailor from Bangi, K Nisha. without her id have to find another tailor that is affordable AND does wonderful work. And those kinds of tailors are few in between.

so i go find my kain at JALAN TAR. every woman should try and come here, if not, you dont know what you're missing. i love the crowded streets, the hawker food, the pasar malam atmosphere. i love the fact that i can get a beautiful 4m kain for only rm 40 and thats even before i bargained! if my mom bargains for me, i may get it for only rm 25 (i swear things there are that cheap. my latest baju raya, butterfly patterns was that price after ibuk bargained for me hehehehe). and tudungs there, sama macam jual kat arzu, i can get for rm10, rm 5 if im lucky. so you see ladies, with a little extra time and smart decision making, you can still find beautiful clothing for a fraction of the cost.

owh, and now that im married, i dunno, i try to be more moderate in my dressing. Shahir never imposed anything on me (though he doesnt like quarter sleeved shirts--that means nothing from nichi!!), i suppose i just felt like i should cover more since now I am a wife. Only my husband has a right over my physical self so I try to dress appropriately as best as i can. i still make mistakes here and there of course but insyaAllah i plan to get there and be a wel dressed muslimah.

so i designed a few jubah/dress. i love maxi dresses but the ones usually sold are either too tight/clingy/too see through. so i designed my own, in hopes that i dont look like a makcik or pregnant lady. i hope to be fashionable and appropriate at the same time! so i bought kain for rm 6 a metre, and the cost of making it was rm 45. all in all, the jubah/dress cost me rm89. not bad for an outfit which fully covers my body (and not partially covering it, as most clothes do nowadays).

besides JALAN TAR where i can find nice clothes and jewellery similar to the ones they sell at DIVA, i go to FOS, Reject Shop, PKNS Shah Alam, even Mydin. I buy clothes from mydin, and one of my more affluent friends thought it was really pretty and couldnt believe it was from Mydin. I guess when you just have to wear it with confidence and grace and style. no one would know where it comes from. and even if they did, i dont care. id b proud to say i got an outfit at a flea market. theres nothing to be embarassed about just because you cant afford the designer clothes. as long as you feel good about yourself. that is most important.

i know theres pressure to be the best, look the best, sport the trendiest things. we are all human and sometimes may succumb to peer pressure. but trust me, if you stick to who you are, you will always be beautiful. there is no one accepted definition of beautiful. you could wear your exercise clothes you had since high school and your husband could still adore you.

the point im trying to make is, dont lose yourself in your pursuit of fashion. dont feel like doing what everyone else is doing because you fear that if you dont, you wont be cool or accepted. there is always a way to look and feel confident, and you dont have to incur debts on your credit card in order to get there. :)

**btw, this is in no way meant to insult designers and designer goods. i admit they are gorgeous at times, and even i would like to have them sometimes. but upon further reflection, i guess id be heavy hearted to spend thousands on an article of clothing or accessory. to me, there's gotta be more to life than this. but that is just my personal choice. i still watch America's next top model, Project Runaway and the like. I will always appreciate beauty, even the expensive kind. but to me, the best is the affordable kind! :)

living life (and trying to write about it!)

2011-04-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I last blogged. Its me giving excuses, I know, but it’s true. Sometimes life gets in the way. I used to have all the time to write poems, depressing poems, hopeful ones, etc etc and in some respects, im glad that im too happy living my life until I haven’t got the time to blog much.

But I realize that I shouldn’t quit. I should push myself to write creatively. I know I may be a future lecturer and academician (InsyaAllah) but I don’t think that I should only limit myself to writing on legal and academic matters. Life isn’t just about the serious things. I think sometimes we work too hard, take things too seriously, plan our future and finances so meticulously, that we forget to actually LIVE this life we are planning so hard for. And I realize its a shame.

So this is me, all parts of me. The wife in me, the lecturer to be in me, the struggling Muslim in me. And I hope that through these words that I write, I can share my experiences, I can touch some hearts, I can move and inspire some people in my own way. If only one person is inspired (that’s probably you Shahir hehe) then at least, it’s something. No, not just something. It’s everything 

Anyway, I’ve been busy with work, which makes me happy because I hate doing nothing at home. Call me crazy but I just CANNOT lie down on the couch, eat and watch tv all day. I need to be busy doing something, something I feel is important, in order for me to feel like my life has purpose. That’s why I know I could never make it as a stay at home mom for long. What happens when the kids are in school? Id be too depressed.

So its important that I do something for myself, something that I can be proud of. Im really happy that my article is getting published. Alhamdulillah for little blessings in my life. Im also happy that my talk in KEDAH went smoother than I expected. Although, I have to admit, I wasn’t entirely happy. It wasn’t a topic I chose for myself, it was a very factual topic and I tried to put in an inspiring quote or two. I did the best I could to make it interesting, to make sure the information was correct, etc. Thank God I didn’t really depend on my notes that I prepared, I could speak off the cuff more the most part.

But there was this one question from this elderly participant that I couldn’t answer. The other questions put forth was answerable, thank God. But this one Q, omg. Susah gile nak jwb. One thing, it wasn’t even a question related to my topic. And second thing, it was too specific. I knew I couldn’t fake an answer, and I felt my face get hot. I just said calmly that with regards to that issue in specific, I do not have the answer at hand..hehehe. Oh well, it was an experience and insyaAllah in future I would be better able to answer anything, even ridiculously specific Qs that even the Menteri Kementerian Belia dan Sukan wouldn’t be able to answer.

Im also trying to juggle my time between work, husband, in laws, my own family, friends and the like. I say man, it is a challenge! Shahir’s schedule is always changing and unpredictable. I have learned to become super efficient in order to manage all our affairs and make sure everyone is happy (hopefully). I think I should ask for shahir to gimme an allowance for being the best secretary ever! Hehe. I pack his clothes and think of all the things I knw he will need before he knows he needs them. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do right? I try to make sure all parties are satisfied, because taking care of the feeling of family members is important. But above all, I try to make sure he is happy. If everyone else is happy and my husband isn’t, it would be pointless to me.

We have been trying to lead healthier lifestyles. Shahir and I have put on quite a few pounds since 6th June 2010 hehehe that’s what happens when ppl are happy, they just stuff their faces with food! But its terribly unhealthy. Im not so concerned with how much I weigh, to be honest. I don’t even step on a scale. But I DETEST the feeling of tight clothes. And that’s the situation now. Takde anak lagi dah gemuk mcmni. Susah2..and I do NOT wanna give the excuse that Im married, its fine, iv already got a husband,w hat for wanna jaga? I think that is a TERRIBLE way to think. Why would u dress nicely for your bf, but when you are married you couldn’t care less? I think its most important to please the man to whom you are married.

So, in order to get healthy and happy (er!), shahir and I have taken to exercising at least once a week. I love playing badminton with him. He is super patient! The first time I played, since I haven’t played in about 5 years, I wasn’t able to hit the shuttlecock at all! Hahahaha but he never got agitated. He showed me the best way to hold a racket, how to serve, everything. And im grateful im improving a lot. My coordination was horrible but now its pretty decent. I can anticipate where he will serve sometimes hehe and I cn (sometimes) hit it bck even though it was a tricky serve. And when he gave me a ball that is too hard for me to catch, I yell “u jahat!” hehehehehe but of course im kidding.

But I can see the difference after exercising. Shahir would tire easily before this, and I didn’t blame him. Waking up really early for work and coming back when other people are about to sleep. But Alhamdulillah, exercising keeps our energy up. When everyone else is sleeping in on Saturdays, we wake up after subuh and play badminton at cyberjaya at 7. It’s a great feeling not to waste the weekend, t o spend it with each other, doing something fun and healthy. We decided that once we have children, we will continue this every weekend. We are planning to stay in Putrajaya so the sports complex is really nearby. I can just imagine Shahir and I playing with our kiddies. Hopefully they inherit their daddy’s coordination and sportsmanship hehehe

Owh, great news! I am more determined to go with the new direction for my PhD thesis. So this is my title: The enforcement of human rights in Malaysia and its relationship with the development and modernization of the State.
Im tired of ppl thinking only the medical and science fields are important and lucrative. Where would any country be without a proper system of law and order? Have ppl forgotten all about that? I mean, Tunisia was a State economically superior to most of its other African counterparts. But since their exiled president was too dictatorial, the people revolted against the ruling. And when such revolutions happen, you can expect that lives are destroyed as collateral damage. What would happen to the economy then? Would it prosper or would it sink? I think you know what Im trying to get at.

I have done a lot of reading and not many books would relate good HUMAN RIGHTS enforcement to the development of the State. So im trying to establish that in my thesis. I found one, just one book that attempts to show, in quantifiable terms, the relationship between human rights and the economy. Im gonna explore that further. But to understand the economic terms, the graphs, etc is super hard hehehe. May God help me. I subscribed to TIME magazine to help keep me informed about political and economic matters. Small steps, ppl..

I also plan on interviewing many human rights and constitutional lawyers and academicians, and if im lucky, some politicians as well in order to present their opinions with regards to the human rights enforcement in our country. I know, it’s a tall order and maybe im a little over my head, but I gotta aim high. I really hope I can publish this thesis.  I feel really good about it, finally and I don’t think im gonna change the direction anymore.

Which reminds me, that I have to search for international cases on human rights for my phd proposal. Susah sket sbb its international cases from international tribunals, I don’t even know the proper mode of citation hehe. So yeah, better start googling now!

You will see me soon, insyaAllah. I’ll keep you posted I promise!

someone like you

2011-03-21T00:41:00.000-07:00

have you even been so hurt by a past experience, that though its over and you've moved on with your life, if something reminds you of that dark period in your life, the memory could bring you to tears?

this is the song that did that for me..

someone like you, by Adele

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead..

the words echo my feelings a little over two years ago. i pride myself in being smart, in being a person who values head over heart. so a part of me hated myself for allowing myself to be in a position of such pain, hurt, and sometimes even a little humiliation.

if i had not gone to that kenduri in January, if i had not sat down next to this kind man with a soft voice and gentle eyes, i would have been living this song. it would have been me, singing.."nevermind i'll find somene like you..i wish nothing but the best for you.."

and it worried me that i may have to find someone like you. i didnt want a comparison. i didnt want a reminder of the past. i didnt want to settle.

and Alhamdulillah, i didnt. i didnt have to say, nevermind ill find someone like you.
because Allah gave me what was even better for me.

god, i can cry thinking abt it. because it was a trying time in my life, where i didnt have many people that understood me in my life. where there were those around me who tried to bring me down emotionally and spiritually. i didnt know how to talk about what i felt. it was a mixture of everything, of shame, of hurt, of fear, of loneliness.

i remember the nights id pray to God asking him to take away this feeling in my heart because I could not will it away. I remember after studying and all were asleep and the lights were closed, id cry myself to sleep.

*shivers thinking about it*

thank you for literally saving me from a life of pain. you dont know the mess i was in when you came into my life, i hid it well from you as i hid it from others. i was a wilted flower but somehow, you were the only one that could make it better.

its because of you that i dont have to listen to sad songs anymore, that i dont cry in the early mornings, that i dont feel guilt and loneliness and shame. its because of you that i am free.

you freed me.

forgive me for my many mistakes to you. only Allah knows how grateful I am.

strangely enough though, id never change anything that has happened. despite the bad times, i learned an invaluable experience. and despite the pain, i also made a good friend. one that id remember for a long time.

im happy we both are happy my friend.

and im happy that this song would never apply to me anymore. its liberating, to know that something so dark n terrible doesnt have the power to hurt you anymore.

im free. my husband, you freed me.

*tears in my eyes*

love you always. always

happy!

2011-02-22T23:56:00.000-08:00

as corny as the title to this post is, its true.

its been 10 months since ive been with UPM. thought at first i felt lost, totally unfamiliar with the thousand procedures you have to go through just for a car sticker/leave the office for awhile/go for a holiday overseas, im getting teh hang of things now (i think). i remember the first day i arrived..i met all the ppl i was supposed to, then i went home coz i thought there was nothing to do. heehee! then the next day i got a call from by head of dept's secretary asking where i was. i said innocently im at home, is there anything? haha apparently im supposed to come to UPM everyday and clock in at 8, i sooo didnt know. good thing my head of dept is a really nice, understanding man.

i was lonely in UPM. my colleagues are much older, they have kids and are busy with their classes, research and errands in between. needless to say, the chance to have lunch with them arent many. so i ate alone in front of my pc almost every single day. i read books, did research, wrote on my paper n phd proposals coz i didnt know how else to pass the time. it was terribly lonely.

but things started to change once i was picked at the MC of this nationwide "training for trainers" program. i got to be friends with the staff, the research students (who are around my age), i got to work more closely with mo colleagues, i even got the opportunity to write a chapter in a lecturer's book! he suddenly came up to me and asked me to contribute a chapter in his upcoming book. i was surprised, does he know my quality of writing? he is taking a risk in asking me to write fro his book, but i said yes coz i wanted to take the opportunity to write and publish (as they say in the academic world--publish or perish!). the thing is, the chapter is in BM! oh no..im so used to thinking in english. so what i did was, write the paper in english first and then translate it kekeke. the translation is in progress and who is doing it? none other than my wonderful husband (love u syg!). the title of my chapter: peranan hak asasi manusi dalam pembentukan dan kemajuan negara. hahaha me writing in bm. im so proud of myself. is that ok to be proud of myself? hehe

another thing im ecstatic about is: when i was given the opportunity to take over another colleague's lecture. it was last min, i had no time whatsoever to prepare and the topic was TAMADUN ISLAM. kelakar wei. i didnt come from religious school, tak hafal quran tak hafal that many hadith nak ajar tamadun islam. but i gave it my best and read abit from their manual but decided to chuck it and explain from my understanding. i explained to them though they may think this subject is unrelated to their field (i was teaching medic students that day), it concerns them more than they think. the problems of today is because ppl do not have proper appreciation and understanding of the islamic civilization. i explained the former glory of our past islamic civilization, how we started the study of algebra, astronomy, medicine etc. i explained how islamic laws and the way of life of proper muslims have the ability to restore structure in this chaotic world. i explained how even though our inheritance laws seem unfair, the reasons are because women are to be protected. the 'extra' portion given to males arent for them to spend for themselves, its meant to be used for the care of the females in the family. chauvinistic, demeaning to women? i think not! women in islam was, for the first time in history, given inheritance as ordained by God. Not only that, women were allowed to work, and whatever she earned (with the exception that her husband consents to her working) was hers alone, it need not be shared. the way i see it, islamic law preserves womens rights, not walks all over it. i explained how the leaders today bring chaos and destruction to their own nation because they do not follow islamic law. islamic law is the first that talks about human rights far before natural law theorists such as Thomas Aquinas talked about it. the hadith explains no arab is superior over a non arab, no white superior over a black and vice versa. its the fact that all the islamic values which has been forgotten and unpracticed which results in the problems today's leaders face. if the likes of Hosni Mubarak or Tunisia's ex president only realised that their reign was temporary, as Allah's khalifah alone to do good for others instead of their own personal gain, they would not resort to dictatorship which would only end up with their own people going against them.

i was beyond happy and touched when after the class, a few chinese (chinese ok, i was explaining and glorifying Islam) students came up to me and told me how much they liked the class. they said they learned more than from their original lecturer and for the first time, they listened and paid attention in class.

that, was priceless to me. those words had the ability to make me walk on air the whole day. so so happy. sometimes life as an academician in the making is lonely. but when a student says something like that, it reminds me of my purpose. and my purpose is this. to teach, to inspire, to motivate, to help others the best way i can.

and the best part is yet to come. i found out recently that my article, technology and the deterioration of right to privacy is going to be published in an international journal! alhamdulillah. i was soooo expecting to be rejected because i heard that you never get accepted on your first attempt, its after several tries and several works that youve written will one finally get published. Ya Allah thank you so much for this opportunity you've given me. pls endow me with more wisdom so i can write better and pass on the knowledge You have given me unto others.

:)

sigh, im just happy. happy. this is a long journey..its gonna take years before i become a Dr, even more years if i ever make it to a professor. its demotivating sometimes and lonely and frustrating and takes so much time that sometimes you lose focus. but im starting to feel comfortable where i am. im remembered of my calling, of the reason why i left a possibly promising career as a lawyer for this. teaching is in my blood. i hope ill do my parents and my husband proud.

i hope i can write even more, even better and i hope, i pray i get the CONFIDENCE i need. i always always put myself down and 2nd guess myself. like a good friend of mine, Wisham says, i sell myself short. i wish i could see myself the way he sees me.

o well, one step at a time. but for now, alhamdulillah, things are looking good in my career. albeit things are moving slowly, they are moving and i am grateful to God for allowing me the opportunities and the chances he has given me, for granting my prayers.

next project: i have to give a speech to 200 belia (aged 21-40) comprising of pemuda umno, from NGOs, student reps from universities around malaysia during the Program Pemimpin Muda Sebagai Penggubal Dasar. i have to lecture them on proses penggubalan dan pelaksanaan dasar. yikes! not only do i have to lecture 200 ppl (most of them older tahn me) on a subject i know nothing absolutely nothing about, i have to do it in BM and have a QnA session afterwards! im nervous i could die. God knows how much I hate politics and all related to it but here i am, hehe. though im scared for my life, im glad for the trust and opportunity my head of dept is giving me. alhamdulillah.

pls pray for me my friends. i need your support!

keinsafan

2011-01-12T18:13:00.000-08:00

the title is in malay sempena my self-motivation to become a good emcee for the nationwide "Training for Trainers" program today-sunday. its in bm so im nervous hehe i havent spoken formal bm since high school kot.

im digressing from the title.

i feel remorse, and feel very grateful for all that i have, especially after the epiphany that i received after getting the news that disappointed and depressed me. after talking to some friends, my parents and shahir, i realise and truly believe with all my heart that what has happened is not the end for me.

my brain always told me that its God's plan, but now my heart accepts it too.

And i also feel grateful that i even got this opportunity to study..that i will get a scholarship insyaAllah for a local uni and i will get my salary too. i feel grateful that i have a position as a tutor at a good ranking university (public universities dont hv many vacancies, im glad i was accepted Alhamdulillah).

if i study in malaysia, at least shahir doesnt hv to uproot his career for me, at least we get to move into our house sooner, at least i get to be here for my family (coz they will be lonely without me haha).

what brought about this change of heart? well, let me tell you about this friend of mine..

she was actually a stranger to me a few months ago. unknown to me, she was reading my blog and later msgd me on FB. she said she likes my posts, they motivate her somehow. i was flattered, touched because she saw something in me that i didnt see myself.

we started to exchange emails since then, but its not always that often as both of us are busy. she hasnt replied my last email and i just assumed she is caught up with studies.

i just found out this morning why. her other half is lying in the hospital, fighting for his life. i dont know the details that much as i am not a medic student so i cant tell the seriousness, but from what i can gather, it is quite a serious situation.

i hardly know this friend of mine, i have never even met her. but my heart goes out to her. my prayers too. i almost got teary eyed reading all the posts on her FB wall and her self-motivation to be strong so that her other half will recover.

if shahir or my mom or sisters or dad was ever in that position, i would find it very difficult. i love my family and cant live without them. so it made me realise, that though studying abroad is my dream for so many years now, not achieving that is NOTHING in comparison as losing my loved ones or having them fall really ill.

if shahir were lying helpless in the hospital, i would be there by his side, praying, holding his hand, crying. doing my phd overseas would be the most trivial matter in my mind. it really puts things into perspective for me. it really made me think and appreciate all the little things and big things i have in my life.

i think its natural to be sad n disappointed and even depressed sometimes. but the thing is, you gotta bounce back. you have to be like a rubber ball. you can fall, but you should bounce even higher after falling. dont give yourself an excuse to stay stagnant. rise from the ashes.

thats what ill do. thats what we all should do.

so i have made a little list of some of the many things i am appreciative of, as to remind myself how lucky i am. i think its a good exercise, coz when we think we got it b ad, we should realise other ppl have it worse.

i am grateful for:-

1. my scholar parents who are always willing to share their knowledge with me and praise me like im so great when im just an average girl hehe. parents love is blind i tell ya!

2. though i have put on a considerable amount of weight, i cn still fit in all my clothes. i dont have to buy new ones just yet as my clothes from several years back can still be worn without making me look like im bulging at the seams. alhamdulillah. save money too!

3. i am grateful for this job that is respectable and noble and the fact that it pays well. i am happy that i will get a raise next month after completing my masters. but i dont plan on spending more just because i earn more. im looking forward to saving more for my house.

4. im lucky to own a house. a semi-d house in the outskirts of putrajaya. though it is soooooo hard to pay for initially coz legal fees, stamping fees, lights, fan, grills, alarm system etc cost a fortune, at least i have a home to call my own. i should appreciate that the bills i am paying for go to my house. at least after all is said n done, i have a place that i cn hv privacy in, a place i cn decorate, a place where i cn entertain my family n friends, a place to raise my children in. some people must rent for the rest of their lives. im grateful for mom who helped alot. love you mom.

5. for good friends. they would make a bbq dinner at their house on their own dime for me. they would help me with my scholarship-hunting. they wold call when they know i need a comforting word despite their hectic schedules. and they are nice ppl with good hearts--and that is hard to come by. ive lived long enough to know that although some ppl see each other everyday and seem like the best of friends, they still talk bad about their so called friends. Alhandulillah the few friends that i do have, are my real friends.

6. im grateful for shahir. always all the time. for his boyish smile that lights up my day. for his constant effort to please me and make me happy. for his consideration and tolerance and understanding which is a trait many men dont have. for his willingness to help with household chores. for him making such effort to be home early when im sick and surprising me. for making me happy everyday, even on the darkest of days. i am so blessed to have married the best man in the entire world (not counting the Prophets la) hehe and im allowed to be biased!

7. for my ability not to burn down the kitchen. i have almost never cooked before i got married, and i find that actually im a pretty decent cook! far from great, most definitely, but its edible. and if shahir likes it, i think its the most important :)

8. for the grades that i got and for the good responses iv received from supervisers and publishers. though i may not study there or my paper may not get published, at least i know that what i do, what i write is appreciated. that means alot to me, and does wonders for my self esteem. baby steps, murni. one day youll reach greatness, insyaAllah

9. for the people that read my blog. for their emails and comments and messages. i honestly am so surprised that my meaningless ramblings have the ability to touch your hearts and motivate you some way. i dont know what im doing, but im glad i can help in any way :) your comments make me feel like i have purpose. hopefully i cn one day make a difference in a bigger way.

10. i am grateful that there are more things to be grateful for. that the list cnt just stop at ten. that the list actually goes on. so many thing to appreciate, to love in this world. for every thing, big or small, is all Allah's doing and thank you Allah for giving me the chance to live anor day, for allowing me the chance to grow and for giving me life and the awareness to change. without you i am nothing.

May we all get past the dark moments in our life, by remembering God and all He has given us.

Amin

just get back up when it knocks you down

2011-01-12T00:02:00.001-08:00

yesterday 11 Jan 2011 was a terrible day for me.

no.1:- Shahir had a car accident. He is physically ok, but he is stressed i guess though he neevr likes to show it. needless to say we only have one car at the moment. it wouldnt be a problem if we could carpool, but seeing as he works at the opposite side of town, and he has unnatural working hours, i dont think its wise i wait for him in the upm office until 10pm, 11pm maybe even 12 pm..so we have to manage somehow. its not easy esp for him who never likes to trouble anybody.

no.2 which is the biggest hurdle for me:- I got an email from my Dean saying that there is no funding for overseas phd application. and if i want to pursue my phd locally this year, i must grab the opportunity now before they give it to other departments.

ok so when i received this email, i sat in front of the computer. then i cried. i cried silently (the office walls are thin--i dont want ppl to hear!) because i was so sad, so hurt, so devastated that I tried so so hard only to be told that the University/ Government doesnt have funding for me.

I heard the news before, that it would be unlikely for me, esp being in the social science field, to go overseas for my phd. despite that, i decided to carry on with my applications to UK unis, aussie unis. i figured ill beg the Kementerian Pengajian Tinggi to give me the scholarship, justify why it should be given to me, what I could do for my country.

But then the email i received yesterday..kinda put me in shock. now, i have to decide very soon either i risk my chances by trying to obtain a non-bonded scholarship to UK OR i take the scholarship for local uni (coz it may not b available to me later).

im trying here. trying so hard to be strong, to not give up. i didnt cry every time i applied for a scholarship after spm and each organization didnt even call me for an interview. i didnt cry when others with the same or worse result than me got to go overseas. no, i accepted it as God's will and felt there must be a reason behind it all.

i decided to stop chambering halfway because i got the offer from UPM and i know that universities dont offer jobs so easily. i gave up a hope of a lucrative career as a lawyer to be a lecturer.

sometimes i feel like a loser. like, my friends are called to the bar and having hearings alone with high court judges or wearing snazzy outfits climbing the corporate ladder.

but me? im just studying. studying alone in my four walls, never interacting with anyone (coz there is no one around) and doing the same thing everyday reading reading writing reading. i eat almost all meals alone in my office in front of the computer, which i am so used to now. i hardly get an opportunity to see anyone! the other lecturers are busy with class and family and always in their rooms doing research ( i am at a research uni after all).

i start to feel demotivated at times. i wear whatever is in the closet that doesnt need ironing. whats d point in troubling to look nice, its not like I ever meet anyone. its like im working at home, but im in the office.

my friends are gonna go far in their careers, be CEOs, attend meetings at fancy hotels and restaurants, meet important people. and im jst here, studying. it will take me 4 yrs to get me doctorate, and being a Dr doesnt mean much anymore. it will take me maybe anor 10 yrs to become Assoc Prof, and make something of myself in the academic world.

i get sad sometimes, but i remind myself that being a lecturer, a darn good one, is my life dream. so there may b difficulties along the way, what job doesnt? i remind myself that I will eventually make something of myself, make a substantial contribution to the world. in the meantime i have to work HARD.

and i did. i worked hard for my masters, reading and studying so much that i got daily headaches. i edited and re-edited my papers over n over to make sure they were good. i sent one to a publisher and im awaiting a response by february (so far things look promising--pls pray the paper gets published!). i try to enagage with other lecturers so i get the opportunity to network or give guest lectures for the experience (it aint abt the money).i am trying with the energy n resources that i have to become someone great in my field.

and i worked so hard to be accepted into a good law school, where i cn go my phd. nottingham and exeter expressed interest, and i have more than 3 supervisors who want to work with me. but but but now i find that there is no money. ok fine, ill try to get non-bonded scholarship elsewhere. but now, i find that if i dont choose to do it at a local uni, i may even lose that scholarship.

sedih :(

i know, i know that even if i stay here, i can be good at what i do. my father said Fethullah Gulen is a turkish scholar, who never had to step foot out of turkey for his work to be read all over the world. and i do believe in our local education.

its just, i wanted a change. i wanted to go abroad, experience different things, be put out of my comfort zone, travel and live like poor but happy students with my husband. i have always wanted to go abroad for my studies but decided it was ok, for my bachelors n masters to be done locally. there will b other opportunities.

not so many opportunities, it seems.

its tiring fighting. i just wish for once, that i can get what i want easily.

then lubna called, and she has a way with words. she managed to make me feel better during our short conversation. and among the things she said to me which made me LISTEN, which was something no one has said to be before, was something like this:

"you're not a loser. you are what lawyers turn to. we refer to you, to your books you write. without you, we lawyers couldnt do the job"

(something like that la hehe)

thank you, for helping me feel better. you dont know how much it means to me.

today, i do feel better. i accepted my fate. ill still try though, to find opportunities to study overseas, but if i dont get it, insyaAllah i will b ok with the outcome. i will tell myself Allah has his reasons for me to stay here. maybe its best for my family, who is gonna feed shahir? if i dont wake him up n make sure he eats on time n make sure he takes his vegetables he may become malnourished and lose all his hair hehehe.

there must b a reason right? i hv to believe that, and i have to believe that there is something for me. i cn and will, insyaAllah be great in this field. maybe not like my father or mother, but i will try my hardest to be the best lecturer i can be. and if i can touch one student's life, help one person become better, then i have achieved my purpose.

may i always have high spirits and never stop fighting.

amin

so this is what it feels like when you have no spirit left

2010-12-22T16:42:00.000-08:00

Ya Allah forgive your weak servant for at this particular time, she has no strength to motivate herself and tell optimistic things as she looks to the mirror. Right now as tears form in my eyes, I dont have an idea of what to say to make me feel like its ok.

I have tried so hard, so hard, to be perfect. Of course I fail miserably. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me. But the thing is i TRY. everyday. I try to be patient and good and undemanding and grateful and determined and positive.

Do you know tht feeling when you sincerely try, you try everyday, though it doesnt bring about any positive result, you do it anyway? You keep going and going coz u know its the right thing to do..but at the end of it all, you realise wht you did is just..almost pointless.

It hurts so much right now. I do not know how else to help, what else is in my power that i can do to better the situation. Iv done all that i could and still it proves to be fruitless. Whats worse, my trying to be good sometimes does no good at all.

Bingung. Sedih.

im tired of trying. but i know that i cant stop. im tired but you know that you just have to DO IT. Do the right thing and keep doing it even if you never ever get the thing you want no matter how long u dreamed of it, keep going at it even though the situation doesnt improve, just keep GOING.

penat sgt.

i know that sometimes we dont get what we want, but we get what is good for us.

i know and i try to live by it. But i wish if what i want is not good for me, then Allah help take away the feeling, my desire for it, so I wouldnt feel sad. I wouldnt feel like this.

because this time, i just wish, wish, wish so bad that I could have this thing, this thing which is not even an extravagant demand, but is so difficult for me to achieve. for once, i dont wanna think about everyone else. for once i dont wanna feel guilty and bad. for once i just wanna think about me. but i cant.

Today, Murni has no words of wisdom. No quotes for encouragement. Today Murni has nothing to give.

Dear Rude Staff

2010-12-02T20:24:00.000-08:00

I had called the staff of the general office, asking to know somehing. I asked nicely, but all i received was her angry tone of voice and impatience. I am so angry right now for being treated like I was garbage that I MUST write a letter of complaint. This is NOT the way people should be treated or talked to. Something is wrong with some Malaysians who are just not educated with manners. Manners are important. You are representative of your Institution to whomever that calls, and when you speak so rudely, you are tarnishing that Institution. Shame on you. Shame on you for bringing down the good name of the place where you work, and shame on you for not carrying out your job properly, and shame on you for not treating people with respect.

Here is my letter of complaint. As you can read later, there is no name mentioned. It is not my intention of getting the woman fired. But i would just like this to be served as a lesson so that at the meeting, the Head may point out to the staff how important it is to treat people with politeness and respect.

* * * * *

Salam.

Upon checking the website for details, i didnt receive any hence I called the general office just to ask regarding the matter in question.

I asked politely, i spoke courteously only to be practically scolded by the receptionist of the general office. i regret that i did not ask her name. She was beyond rude, getting upset that I had called the office, saying that this office does not know anything abt the matter i was asking about and gave me another number to call.

At this time, i still maintained my sabar and patience and thanked her and called the number she gave me. Somehow the call was reverted to the same receptionist. She became agitated and annoyed once she realised I was the one who asked about the results earlier. She asked rudely, did i not call the number she gave me. I said I did, and she cut me off, talking in an annoyed and upset tone of voice that if I call this number ( gen office ) they wouldnt know anything with regards to the subject matter of my inquiry.

Despite her unbelievably rude tone, I tried my best to keep my composure. I explained I had already called the number, but somehow it was reverted bck to the general office. She then just gave me another number which I called and spoke to Mr
Name-Not-To-Be-Mentioned who was kind enough to clarify things for me.

I am not a temperamental person. But the lack of manners and the rudeness displayed by the receptionist was beyond my understanding. I was truly appalled by the total disregard of politeness this woman was subjecting me to.

I had called in genuine concern with regards to my question. I was in no way expecting to be treated like filth. That was how it felt like, the way she talked to me, the lack of patience she displayed, the angry tone of voice. I felt like she was reprimanding me or getting upset at me for something that was clearly not my fault.

It is imperative that the staff speak courteously to anyone that call for that matter. They are a reflection of the Insttution and i would hate to see the reputation of the institution be tarnished simply because of one incredibly rude receptionist.

I hope the appropriate measures can be taken to ensure that in the future, the staff understand how imperative it is to treat everyone with respect.

Sincerely.
Wassalam.

waiting for the end

2010-11-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

Im currently in my study week. serves me right, from then until now, I always procrastinate in my studies. i somehow cannot focus in my classes UNLESS the lecturers are motivating/delivers their lectures interestingly. Sadly that is not the case for many of my classes. Hence my frantic attempt to read everything for what appears to be the very first time. 4 papers, bck to bck and no gap. yessir!

I havent been focused much lately. I think thats the hard part of getting married while still studying. its not shahir's fault of course. Its just that im distracted by wantingto spend allllll my time with him (when he comes home at 12 am 2 am and works weekends, u cn understand why id like to be attached to his side during his free time hehe), im distracted by family (make that 2 family) obligations, im distracted by the many people we have to meet, and im disturbed by the amount of work i have and the papers i want to publish (kononnya).

but it hasnt been all that bad. i managed to score highest for a difficult midterm tho i thought i didnt study hard enough (i was lucky trust me, Alhamdulillah not to be forgotten!). but entahla for the finals im having no confidence.

so i already applied to two UK unis--Nottingham and Exeter, recommendations of these Unis by dad's prof fren who is working overseas in a university. takutnya i have dreaaamed since form5 of going overseas. tho my spm results warranted my going overseas, i never got a SINGLE interview for a scholarship. so very sad.

i desperately want to go. i want to drag my husband with me. overseas, we get to live not knowing anyone. we get to really be adventurous and explore and do whtever we want and jalan2 and dating2 and just have an extended honeymoon. he can finallyget a break from work and wait at home for ME for a change. hehehe. i want to see the world with him (or at least UK). i really hope i get it. its not that i dontbelieve in our eductn system, i justneed a change. i studied here for mymasters n my phd, i NEED to go overseas for my phd pls. Amin.

it would be great if he and i could go together. i could study and write during the day, and at night we could go out. or cook together. watch tv. do just whtever.

my back hurts currently coz im always hunched over the laptop or mybook. i cooked for shahir szechuan chicken for dinner but he is coming home reli late as usual so i dont know if he can even eat it when he comes home :(

im studying while simultaneously chattingwith my sister and writing this blog. hehe if my results for finals, arent good, u know why ;)

oh btw im in the process of writing two papers that i wanna publish:

1) Khalwat Laws: A degradation to our privacy rights?
2) Technology and the deterioration of right to privacy.

Hehe doakan ia diterbitkan! double amin

tuesday blues

2010-09-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

what many ppl dont know abt me is this: i truly have low self esteem.

mcm tak percaya kan? yeah its coz im a good faker. i cn pretend to be all confident or nonchalant when inside, i may b a nervous wreck. i cn speak on stage without a stammer in my voice when im shuddering inside.

suraya gets annoyed when i say i dnt think i did well for my exam. well, im not saying that coz i am trying to get ppl to say "no lah you're smart, you sure cn ace it one!"
no. i say that when asked, because that is TRULY HOW I FEEL.

the result, if good, always catches me by surprise. i even go to the extent of thinking, is this for real? did the professor mark my paper properly? and when i got the UPM job, im thinking omg cn i do this? am i cut out to be a lecturer? am i able to write a quality phd thesis?

its that bad. i really try to work on it. i really try to gain confidence and sometimes, it gets better. sometimes, despite my nagging insecurities, i just push ahead.

i think that makes the difference. despite the negative feelings you have, despite the insecurities u face, you just DO THE JOB ANYWAY. the best that you can, and the rest you leave to god.

i just wish, really wish, that i didnt have do this to myself. i wish i didnt have to feel ugly when i look at my gorgeous friends. i wish i didnt have to think of my incompetence when i read the work of others much more superior. i wish i could love myself a lil more.

i really do wish :(

* * * * *

and on another note, when i am sad, when sometimes i just wanna get angry, i think about the good things you do.

i think about how nice it feels when you hold my hand as we sleep.
i think about how you dont leave my side when im sick.
I think about how you rub my back until i fall into a deep slumber when my head couldnt stop throbbing.

it works, thinking of those things make me stop myself from being sad. it helps me be patient. it makes me believe things will be better.

it reminds me that even tho you forget sometimes, even though it hurts sometimes, you dont mean it.

study study study!

2010-09-23T23:20:00.000-07:00

owh btw im blogging when i should be studying. i have a 30% exam esok and its like susah kot. i dont just wanna pass or get a B+, i wanna maintain my cgpa of 3.7 is possible.

but here i am in the lab when i shud be at the lib studying. hahaha im digging my own grave arent i?? well i only have myself to blame. why do some things never change? i swear im a huge procrastinator. sigh

i miss elyna and my girls who always gave me a reason to study. dulu, id teach some of my frens. now i have to study for myself je. so boring! and no motivation la liddat. aiyoyo

ok bye

making choices

2010-09-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

alot of my friends wanna get married. and the no.1 problem most of them face is d same thing: money. Pitih. Moolah. Duit.

sigh. how great would it be to just have tons of cash? it would solve all our problems wouldnt it? esp in this marriage episode thing. eh lemme correct myself: wedding episode thing.

weddings really rob ppl dry of their money. espe for guys. they have to pay hanatran gifts, and that would depend on how many dulangs they have, and each dulang has an expensive gift ie iphone ke designer shoes ke. wang hantaran of course is the one that takes the cake, with most parties setting the price of around 12k and above..

phew, tho im already safely married, thinking about the cost just makes you sweat.

i am a woman, and what we women have in common is that we dream, we dream of our wedding day and we want to feel like princesses and we want it to be the perfect fairy tale ending to our lives.

but the thing is, this is not the ending. the wedding is only the beginning!

if you are one of the fortunate ones to be blessed with plentiful monetary resources, alhmadulillah, you can probably achieve the wedding you always dreamed about. if your job gives you reasonable pay and you manage to save up enough for the wedding of your dreams, then alhamdulillah too.

but it isnt easy for all of us.

as in my case, i only met shahir (as in aware of his existence) in january. i added him on fb (because he was the only one that talked to me at the engagement in which aizat dragged me to)..and he messaged me.

we took time to chat first, me never expecting anything in return. esp since i had feelings for someone else at the time. but the day when i decided that..hey..i think there is something about this guy..and i should gv him a proper chance and put aside whtever feelings i had for someone else..well since that day, there was no turning back.

somehow with shahir things happened so quickly. i felt like i knew him well, though we courted for a short time only. i felt that he was different than most men i met. and i prayed to Allah to show me not the man i wanted, but the man who was RIGHT FOR ME.

And Allah showed me Shahir. In my heart, i knew this was the one.

Little did i know that he prayed istikharah too, three times to be exact and all times, he dreamt about me. I asked him once, how come he is so patient with me and sticks with me thru thick and thin? he said: not only do i know you are the one for me, but you are also Allah's choice for me. That gives me all the reason to work this out no matter what.

sigh.

since then wham bam! terus nak kawin. i was officially together with him in may 2009, and we got married in june 2010. thats just a little over a year. thats fast. but we were ready.

though of course, financially macam lintang pukang sket. he was in a job he loved, which paid..how to say this nicely..moderately. i was a student still. and we both werent the type to ask duit from parent. and, and he just started his business using his own money as capitol. not some small online business. but a business that involved investments of thousands. how ni?

well, we were determined to marry within that short time anyway, and determined to find a solution. but that meant: BEING REALISTIC.

we saved the best we could, and he worked super hard at his business to earn extra income (tho balik keje at 12 am sometimes, then terus buat keje business mengaji..dunno how he cn find the time), we realised that certain sacrifices MUST BE MADE.

i cant get the PERFECT, ideal wedding of princesses. But it doesnt mean i cant still feel like one.

alhamdulillah, my parents made things easy for shahir. they let me determine the amount of hantaran n wang hantaran. and i decided to opt for the least number of dulang. and the wang hantaran, i decided to set an amount which i felt would not burden my soon to be husband. and this amount i told my parents, i did not want to disclose during the nikah ceremony. because ppl talk, always, no matter what. and i didnt want the silly issue of how much i got to be a topic of gossip.

its between me and him. alhamdulillah my parents understood.

i did things the best i could, i found a pelamin maker that did my pelamin beautifully (in my opinion la hehe!)..and i loved the sweet colours involved. i had my lovely friends do my hantaran (they volunteered free of charge!) and i got a wonderful designer to do my dress. you can visit the designer at her blog www.studiotwentysix.blogspot.com

my nikah dress was made for only rm170. despite the price, i think i looked nice hehe and my makeup, was only rm300 courtesy of nicole from bobbybrown. I didnt look like a different person, i looked like myself and tht was most imp to me. i didnt have a mak andam, i dressed myself with help from sisters and friends. that save me anor rm 300 at least.

though everything didnt turn out EXACTLY as planned (the caterer was kelam kabut, the decorations wasnt as nice as they promised and food wasnt as delicious as when i did the food tasting), my daddy said something important: the most important thing is i am safely married, all my family members and close friends attended, the food was enough, and the weather was fine. there was no disaster. everything that was necessary was achieved, and what more can you ask for? some people pay so much, and suddenly makanan habis waaaaay in advance (like at 1230pm!) so alhamdulillah, nothing like that happened.

what he said comforted me.

a marriage isnt about the wedding. a fabulous wedding wont make your marriage any stronger.

that being said, i totally understand the importance of having a ceremony that meets our desires. but sometimes, we cnt have everything. sometimes, we have to be realistic and make the MOST OF WHAT WE HAVE.

shahir and i met and courted and got married in a year, that doesnt leave so much room to save. on top of that he started a business, and i bought a car, and paid more than half in cash. mana mampu bayar for wedding kat dewan perdana felda.

but we can be smart in our spending. i wanted a good wedding, i wanted to look pretty and feel like a princess. and with extra effort and planning, i think, thankfully to allah, that i managed to achieve that.

yes, we dont have our house completed yet and at the moment stay with our parents. yes, sometimes finances are tight. yes, sometimes its difficult when you wanna go somewhere or eat wht u like, but think 5 times before doing so.

but its a choice i made, getting married early. and its worth it. the difficulties, the hardships are all WORTH IT. at the end of the day, susah mcmane pun, life is still perfect within its imperfections because at the end of the day, he comes home to me.

Cant seem to thank god enough for the best gift of all. Him.

so what im saying is, we have to address the situation we are in. If you wanna have the perfect wedding, then sometimes you gotta wait til he gets enough money. be supportive, dont pressure him. If you want a place to stay in by yourself and those comforts, then be patient so that he can have time to collect that kinda money. its not easy to bear the cost of the kenduri (which some men do) and hantarans and wang hantaran and deposit for house and monthly installment for house.

i dont have it all together, and i wish i did sometimes. but shahir said we will get it all, insyaAllah, its only a matter of time, and i believe him. he said at least we have enough money every month, semua pun cukup, and tak ada hutang walaupun satu ringgit. im grateful for that.

you dont wanna start your married life dgn hutang yg pelbagai. that is just not worth it.

it will take some time to have the perfect wedding, and the perfect living conditions for your marriage. if you're willing to wait, then alhamdulillah.

but if you want to marry sooner, then you have to face the situation realistically. maybe you have to cut down here and there, sacrifice certain things, but if being with him is most important to you, trust me the sacrifices are worth it :)

i loved my ceremony despite the things that didnt meet my expectations. i still remember how i trembled when he was walking to me, how i looked away in shyness when he was about to kiss me. i remember the smiling faces of my family and friends. i remember our first hug when we were in the privacy of our own company.

it was a beautiful day <3

you can still be happy tho not everything was the way you always expected it to be. you can be even happier :)

so dear friends, if you dont want to wait, then i suggest you start planning and strategising on how to have a wedding of your dreams, MINUS THE HEFTY COST. it can be done, it just takes a lil work and patience and research hehe!

sometimes, waiting for everything to be perfect, waiting for 100% financial security is not gonna happen unless u wait for a long time. nothing in life is perfect, but that is what makes things FUN N COLOURFUL.

ibuk and ayah married gotong royong style in the u.s, with minimum frills, no hantaran, just a typewrite as the maskahwin or hantaran i think. but they struggled together, studied together, worked together, raised a family together and are happy. and look at where they are now? in a house of their dreams, with kids that love them and good health to boot.

what more cn you ask for?

you can have all that you wish for, i promise. its just that sometimes, you gotta learn to let go of the little things in order to achieve the bigger picture.

often, the perfect life doesnt come in the perfect package. but as long as you have the most important things, insyaAllah, you'll be more than allright.

Syawal

2010-09-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

This syawal was different because i have two families to share it with :)

I cant even remember but i think, the night before 1 syawal i was all sad and terasa dgn shahir. i went to sleep hurt while shahir went to sleep peacefully (as usual) and when i woke up at 5am shahir hugged me and i was all like, jual mahal hahaha.

skejap je jual mahal. i hugged him kissed his hand and minta maaf for all my misgivings as a wifey. dats how my syawal started :) in pajamas, with my husband, asking him to forgive me.

what i can say is: PENAT! penat menolong dlm dapur sbb byk org datang tapi its a good kinda tired u know what i mean? i made carrot cake with EXTRA creamcheese topping so Shahir's mommy doesnt have to think about dessert. Rasa terharu bila org sudi makan and shahir's aunty yg terror gile masak puji my cake. aww. wanna hug her.

i of course decided what shahir and i would wear. if i didnt plan things for him, then he might just wear anything in the closet tho its not ironed. hehe. alhamdulillah i think we look nice, tho we spent very little on our raya clothes. i bought shahir's sampin for rm25 tho jalan TAR sold it for rm140 (take that, jalan TAR! try to cheat me ayyy) and i bought my gorgeous tudung with all these beads for rm10 when khazanah or ariana or arzu would sell it for, 7x more expensive. My kain for my baju was bought at jakel (ibuk pandai menawar) and tailoring for baju kurung cost me rm40.

yes i am firm believer that u dont have to spend a fortune to look good. its all in the mind. rizalman etc doesnt mean he will make u look great. ni sume bergantung kpd skill masing2 in spotting a bargain and picking the design n colour that best compliments you.

look like a million bucks without having to spend it. that should be our goal, girls.

nway, i like shahir's family, its so huge, so many aunties and cousins. and this particular family, is so warm and friendly and tho i met them the first time, i remember they made me feel so at ease. raya with ppl like them make me feel so happy.

pastu went beraya-ing in d evening, singgah rumah shahir, then daad's, then Hani's. i wish i could visit all my frens, i wish they were around to visit. i love raya and eating cookies and sipping tea ( i cnt take all d heavy food--too many open houses!)..i wish there was time to visit all my friends and family. if you're reading, do invite me over! i shall try to make it. what is raya without visiting each otehr's houses hehe?

2nd day shahir and i drove to kelantan (well shahir drove kekeke) to meet my family. my parents were at nenek's house. kalau tak balik kg masa raya, mcm tak raya langsung. so kelantan is wajib, even if balik kejap jadilah. i met shahir's fam in kelantan too! (kg pendek, to be exact) they were kind enuf to tone down their accent so i wud understand kekekeke wht cn i say, im a daughter of a kelantanese, dont mean i cn speak it!

tapi tragedi melanda, i burned my baju raya while ironing! waaa nak nanges tapi shahir so sweet, he hugged me (i think hugging works somehow! pandai dia!) and said we will go out and buy anor one and then he very VERY carefully gosok my tudung for the next day. it took him so long sbb he didnt wanna burn it and make me sad. aww so sweet. cair la liddat.

sesampai di kl on monday, i got sick. aiyoma. bad luck! so sick smpai jumaat baru sembuh..it kinda affected our holiday (went to melaka on thurs-friday) sbb i was sick, sneezing with mucus everywhere and melaka was so hot n i was hungry and restaurants all full and my nose was bleeding. bleurgh. what a messy state!

now its back to work. so much to do. assignments presentations a really difficult test and papers to write. but somehow i work better under pressure, dont we all? sure, ill get stressed but in the end i will finish what i need to finish (insyaAllah).

despite the deadlines i still wanna go raya visiting! degil kan! lubna, i nak jumpa u..and you too (whoever you are hehehe). rindu my frens la. i dah raya with fam. now its time to raya with YOU.

jom jom jom.

(id invite u over to my house but since i dont have my own house i rasa cam tak best. i cnt WAIT to have my own place, cook for my guests and treat them they was i always wanted to, the way they deserve. insyaAllah next yr, you will get to taste mknn frm my air tgn. :) )

ok ill update piccies later! shahe just got bck from work n i wanna teman dia mkn hehe.

* * * * *

oh i just found out that ppl read my blog. i cnt believe it sometimes. when ppl tell me that, each time, i will be surprised n flattered n honoured. tq, for reading my words that dont mean much in d first place. but the fact that u even bother to visit, means alot to me :) <3

of Ayah's love

2010-08-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

My daddy emailed this to all my family members (excluding mom):-

"Dear family,

Grandma passed away peacefully last Sunday, in the most blessed month, among family members. I want to say that your mother has been most devoted to this last one year and especially last 6 months, despite her very busy schedule. She brought her to the hospital, fed her, humour her and never show and irritated face or voice. I am very proud of her, and respect her even more. In fact both of us never raise our voice to our mothers and fathers. May Allah bless all our departed and living parents.

The Prophet SAW says that the best Muslims are those that are kind to their family: wife, mother, husband, father, children. It takes knowledge, sincerity and wisdom. All of us should keep on improving ourselves so that Allah SWT will be pleased with us.

Wassalam
Dad"

I almost wanted to cry reading this. My dad can be a typical kelantanese man at times (not good at showing affection ie hugs and "i love yous" not really his thing). But one thing i knw for sure: he loves my mom. The way he looks at her, the way he respects her, the way everyone else doesnt seem to measure to her..sigh.

i hope shahir loves me just as much.

It just touches my heart reading the email. Not your typical western song of eternal love: "I wanna love you forever..if this is all im asking from you...ten thousand lifetimes together.." yeah jessica simpson DID get divorced.

But it is so clear to me, how my father feels for my mother. I would say she is a very very lucky woman.

I hope we are all as lucky.

P.s of course la my mom must be a great wife to inspire such emotions and affection in d first place hehe. im not biased, im just stating the truth. She is everything that i want to be.

InsyaAllah

nyayi's passing

2010-08-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

K am woke me up sunday morning and i was a lil annoyed coz its the only time i get to sleep in. then she said we have to see nyayi.

nyayi has been off dialysis for about 3 months now. The drs decided to stop it coz the procedure was too strenuous for her heart, and she was actually getting worse in the care of the hosp (where she stayed for many months).

the drs said she would pass on within 5-8 days of her stopping dialysis. But she didnt. she lived to see my get married. she lived to even get healthier, to start praying again, to start speaking in ENGLISH again (she hadn't spoken in english for a long time), to start remembering things again.

when i reached nyayi's room (she was living with us in Bangi now), i was there for about 30 seconds but i knew she was going coz she was pale and her hands were stiff then she.just.stopped.breathing.

i immediately msgd shahir to come home (he went to pasar borong with ayah) and msgd my closest frens. I was sad, i didnt know what to do. i just stood there, wreaked with guilt for not waking up early enough so i could read Yasin in her ear one last time. So i could tell her i loved her one last time. So i could say Im sorry one last time.

No more chances.

I would say things went relatively smoothly. We live kinda far away, but nyayi's frens and family came so soon. it shows they really care. And i took part in helping to bathe the jenazah. I prayed for the jenazah for my first time.

She looked serene. At least she didnt suffer. Alhamdulillah..

As she was laid to rest in the ground, and the earth covered the grave, and i spread flowers upon her grave, and everything was over, it rained. But just a short time before it was sunny again. it was Rahmat, Allah's blessing.

I was so tired though. It was ramadhan after all and it was a hot hot day and i was so thirsty but there were so many things to do and i was about to get a fever. But i know my mom mustbe so much more tired.

She was the one that took care of nyayi most. That spoke to nyayi without irritation or annoyance when she may have been acting up or throwing a tantrum. That would cancel her class and look after her and feed her and just be there for her.

I was even more sure that Ayah, Shahir, Aizat would be even more tired. Coz they had to carry the jenazah, shovel dirt, be in the hot sun and get drenched in rain and later go buy food so mom wouldnt have to cook (but of course she still did!). But they didnt complain. no one did.

im touched by all the ppl that came all the way. My handful of friends that came and prayed, guys, it means alot to me. I may not cry cry cry but i still feel. and i appreciate that ud take ur time to msg, to call me though i couldnt pick up, to come all the way to pray for my grandma.

love u to bits.

And i have to mention: Aizat. He was there since morning until late evening. He isnt even family, but its as if he is. He is ALWAYS there for me, for shahir. no questions. no agendas. his sincerity and kindness just makes me feel so grateful to know someone like him, to have him in our lives is a blessing. Shahir and i would go a long way for him.

Aizat, thanks alot. Always. for.so.many.things. For listening and not judging. For being there during emergencies. For having lunch with shahir when i asked u to sbb shahir was down that day. May you be rewarded for all the things you have done, for all that you have given but never expected anything in return. You really are a aprt of my family. Coz you are there when things are happy OR hard.

It just makes you realise, about life. about death. about how short u have on earth.
It makes u see that ppl are kind, that neighbours are important, that brotherhood keeps us together.

even tho it was a sad event, in the end i was happy to know that she is in a btter place InsyaAllah. And i was happy to have my faith in mankind restored. Who ever said that kindness and compassion was dead?

It's very much alive. I can attest to that.

2010-08-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

Nyayi's health is deteriorating, rapidly. Just a week ago she was fine, healthy, her mind was sharp even.

Now, its hard for me to even look at her. she looks like she is in so much pain. its hard to watch. all i cn do is rub her leg and read the quran.

i look away. if.not.i.will.cry.pray for the best. That she wont suffer.

Amin

ramadhan kareem

2010-08-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

this ramadhan, im trying to utilise it to the fullest. i realise that i have a lot of sins, and God knows where i'll end up after i pass away (takut nak pikirkan snanye!). this ramadhan is different, its great, its challenging all in one. I have a husband to share it with. i have another family to berbuka with. one thing's for sure, im never alone. never have to iftar alone in my tiny little room, never have to bgn sahur makan roti kosong and kurma and gulp down water before the azan hits. (of course dat situation was when i was in uia, when coincidentally tade org to berbuka with. sahur mmg ar sengsorang. manede uia kasi girls keluar sahur. only men get that privilege. sheesh!)

the best sight to me is not the juadah berbuka puasa (that's my second fav sight hehe!) is when i go home at 730 (my class ends at 7) and then suddenly without me even informing im home, shahir rushes towards my from nowhere and takes my books and bags and somehow manages to hug me tight. awwww. how not to cair like dat. what a way to be greeted after a long day of research writing n class.

and i just love to tarawih with him. i mean, his recitation is just..great. i think i fall in love with him when we pray together. which means i try harder to focus la hehehe! i think it brings us closer, and the last bit, where he turns around and i kiss his hand, and he kisses my forehead ever.so.gently. that's the best moment of marriage i think. the non-verbal communication. the love. the respect.

we go for tarawih sometimes at his mengaji centre, where he leads the kids to pray tarawih. he said he knows they r small, but its to train them to get used to praying. some ofthe kids are really small,6 years old, and of course they cnt focus. they are punching each other while praying, gaduh sket ada, and jauhkan diri dari saf sbb tak ske the other kid.

its hilarious! but i cn see they do try to pray. sometimes they do focus. and when it comes to the "amin" part, they say it so loudly. semangat! then i look around and im so happy he is trying to do this ngaji centre to d best of his ability. sometimes i get sad he comes home late 1130 but i shouldnt. he is doing something important here..i should help more. im gonna clean the centre insyaallah. rearrange things and vacuum n buy water dispenser and sirap etc so the kids cn drink after their prayers.

i think its the least i could do.

being married

2010-08-03T18:15:00.000-07:00

i dont know how to describe it. its just a feeling of contentment. sometimes when he is sleeping i look at his peaceful face. to quote sarah mclachlan in her song, hold on :-

So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face...

if i think about how life would be like without him, i can cry. my eyes well up with tears. im so stupid that way. i feel everything as though its real. i hope i pass on first coz to have to live this world when he isnt around anymore, is something im not sure i can do.

that being said, marriage isnt easy. NO IT ISNT. i chose to get married despite the fact that financially, everything hasnt fallen into place. no house yet. dunno where i will study yet. so many things to consider.

im living with my inlaws at the moment (until habis masters), coz my classes finish at 9pm and by the time i reach bangi, it'll be almost ten. since my new family live in PJ, its much nearer and more convenient for both shahir and i to stay here. he doesnt have to leave so early in the morning and doesnt have to reach home so late at night.

but there are so many challenges when staying with others. i am blessed to have such kind, considerate in laws. but i feel so guilty sometimes, i dont want to be a burden. i dont wanna impose. so i try to be helpful where i can, its the way i was raised. im not comfortable doing nothing or let others get things done for me. i need to help, too.

but sometimes i dont know what to do. everything is new and alien and foreign and i have to learn to get used to the system of how different households are run.

id love to have my own home one day, and i could finally stop feeling guilty. im not imposing on my parents or my in laws. i can have a house to call my own, i can invite my parents and in laws over and cook for them instead of them cooking for me. i can repay them for what they've done for me. i can take care of them, instead of the other way around.

i need a house to call my home soon. working hard to afford it.

* * * * *

somehow even though i dont have an office job at the moment, there are so many things to do and im tired most of the time. the preparation for cooking takes alot of time, at least 2 hours coz im doing it myself. by the time im done, i reek of onions and garlic and cooking oil that i have to shower again. i hate leaving a mess so ill clean the stove till its spick and span. ill do the laundry and hang in and clean what i can around the house and fold the clothes and iron his office shirts (i dont mind if my clothes arent ironed, the material doesnt wrinkle! pandai tak hehe). by the time thats done, i have only about two hours to study.

gotta do well this final sem. i have so many papers to write. and the thing is with me, i take pride in my work. i dont just wanna FINISH it, i wanna write something publishable. might as well. this is what it takes to get ahead in the academic world, so i might as well start early.

but it takes a long time to finish reading just one book, and i have so many books to read for so many subjects. how cn u write something credible if you havent been well versed in the literature? but time isnt on your side. as though u have so many hours in the day just for reading. yeah right.

and i have to start on my phd thesis. each application overseas takes about rm200 to process, so i have to make sure my proposal is freaking good so i dont have to send so many applications so i cn make sure im accepted.

tick tock tick tock. time is running out!

pastu i send him his lunch at his office sometimes, coz i love seeing him for lunch. its stupid but i think about him allllll the time like i have nothing to do (but i have so much to do hahahhaha) and i wanna see him as much as i can. then after a quick lunch date i go to uia early do my research and try not to fall asleep in my 5-9 lecture.

when shahir comes home i dont touch my books. not that he doesnt understand, but he leaves so early in the morning and comes back late, it wouldnt be fair for me to be working when he is back and wants to spend time with me. so being emotionally available for him is the least i can do. he deserves to see me smiling and happy (even though my back hurts and my feet need a good rubbing, he doesnt have to know im about to pass out from kepenatan).

my respect to mothers out there! i dont know how they can do it, with a smiling face all the time, with no one in their family ever even SUSPECTING that they are tired inside (physically tired je la hehe). women really are heroes worth honouring!

mama are you reading! i cnt believe you did all this raising us alone in the States! crazzzzyyy. doing your phd summore.

* * * * *

i miss my friends sometimes. i knw that marriage changes things. nothing stays the same n i was prepared to accept that, but sometimes i jst miss talking. laughing and giggling over tea. discussing my hopes fears dreams frustrations with my closest friends. but sometimes, to some ppl, when a person is married, there is a barrier. i wish there was no barrier sometimes. i may be busy, i may have a husband, but im still the same person.

in fact, maybe a beter person coz im more patient (or trying to be!) now. hehe!

* * * * *

im so thankful to Allah he gave me this almost perfect man (coz no one is perfect). coz married life is hard. there are compromises you must frequently make, sacrifices you willingly do. your time is not yours anymore. you hardly ever get to just have alone time, just you. even alone time with him, walking holding hands travelling is a rare occasion coz there are other more important obligations to fulfill. dating can wait.

what im trying to say is, so many ppl think marriage is easy. as long as you have the money, youre ready. well its not about that. i hope and pray that my friends find good partners. tolerant partners, kind partners that will help them go further along the right path.

marriage is the closet thing to heaven in my opinion. but sometimes, the situations you may face can be hell. so it is so IMPORTANT to have a partner who is gonna stick through it all. who is gonna support you when things get tough.

i pray my friends find their soulmates. i want them to be happy, like me. we all deserve to be.

AMIN.

* * * * *

by the way, the song by ne yo :part of the list, is my current obsession at the mo, hehehe. check it out yo!

hilang kesabaran

2010-06-24T01:54:00.001-07:00

saya hilang kesabaran dgn orang yg pikir yg dia tahu semuanya. padahal dia tak tahu ape pun sebenarnya.

Why did i start writing in bm? entahla..im in UPM everyday and maybe it rubs off on me hehe. But honestly, i am a little vexed when people underestimate the time, focus, and dedication one must have in order to do and finish their PhD.

I know on the outside, it seems like a cushy life. If you're lucky enough (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it) to be attached to a university, then you get paid while you study. your schedule is flexible, you get to go home in the middle of lunch hour and cook and maybe even take a nap.

i am very thankful for the flexibility and the perks my job brings. but i am fully aware of the sacrifices i have to make in order to pursue this line of work. I dont mind that others might not be aware of what it takes, because no one really knows something unless you go through it. But belittling and humbling anor person's profession..thinking it is so freaking easy, like a walk in the park is what ticks me off.

do you know that more than 50% of ppl that start their phd dont end up finishing? if its so easy wouldnt they just sit through ot for 3,4,5 yrs? do you know that for women especially, they have to give up almost everything? the women in my field had to leave their husbands at home for years, had to leave their 5 month old baby who was still breastfeeding..had to relocate all their 5 kids overseas and take care of them and bring them to the zoo and read them bed time stories and make sure they are taken care of when sick, all alone without help as their husbands had to stay behind in Msia? when the kids are asleep, only then you get the chance to think, gather your thoughts, attempt to write your thesis.

oh yes, it is very.easy.

ketuk kepala baru tahu.

its not easy. this is just the tip of teh iceberg. there are so many problems, so many things you have to give up in order to pursue this seriously. in order to make sure you do your country, your university, yourself and your family proud.

of course, of you're the kind who doesnt have integrity for your work, then doing PhD may be easy. you can cut and paste wisely, alter your data, whatever it takes as long as u get it done.

but if you care about the quality of your work, if you want to be good at what you do, then its never gonna be easy. thats what makes it worthwile.

i just dont like the fact that ppl talk about some things as if they know how its like. come, come and try this. leave your job, go and study where you have NO ONE to tell you what to do, no deadlines, no pressure until you realise heck, 3 yrs have gone by and you have gotten nowhere with your thesis. there you go, your scholarship is cut off and suddenly you have a debt of thousands to be paid WITHIN A MONTH.

sheesh. i dont say that about you, so i appreciat if you wouldnt say that about what i do.

6 June 2010

2010-06-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

im married now. alhamdulillah.

i dont know how to describe how i feel. i was always a romantic person. I grew up reading Jane Austen, falling in love with the likes of Mr Darcy from Pride n Prejudice or Mr Knightly from Emma. I always believed I'd find my Mr Knightly someday.

I havent found him though. I found something better.

Despite the danger of sounding cliche, the man i married has saved my life. He has taken me from my restless days and sleepless nights. he has stopped the tears i shed in the wee hours of the morning when i knew no one was listening.

For that, I am so grateful. I am grateful for his patience, and understanding, love and above all, respect. I do not feel like i am someone subservient to him. I do not feel like a lowly inferior. I feel like a partner. His partner. And this time i know its for life.

How can i repay my debts to him for bearing with me through times and situations that i know most men would not tolerate? When most men would throw tantrums and jealous fits, he was there waiting patiently. Never pushing, never forcing, never trying to make me feel something i couldnt.

Even when i am at my worst, even if i accidentally take out my frustration on him, he stayed with me. Help do my work with me. Listen to me bawl my eyes out. guide me so i can pass those dark days.

Ya Allah, thank you for my husband. Thank you for making me see, for making me realise that day when i was at a crossroads, who was the man meant for me. I can still feel the rawness of my throat, I can still taste the tears trickling down my face as I sat on a bench one day and thought about my life.

I had to make a decision. I had to decide to let go of the past in order to let him in my life.

It was a hard decision to make, when you've felt so strongly about something for so long, and then you make up your mind that this is it. Enough. This is killing you.

That day i decided that it's going to be you.

And i've never looked back. The tears have never come, and i sleep soundly at night. No more insomnia, no anger or resentment, no more loneliness, no more empty feeling in my heart. You, my dear husband, filled in the gap that has been in my life for all these years. You erased my scars and healed the wounds of my past.

I feel reborn. I feel loved and I am happy. I am happy and grateful to God for giving me, and showing me through my prayers that you are the one I am supposed to be with.

Now and forever.

Ya Allah, thank you for this gift. Thank you for a husband that is unselfish and kind, that is strong and patient, that is resilient and determined, that is rspectful and faithful, that is fun and serious.

Thank you for my husband that made everything better. He is the light in my life, the bells in my laughter, the sparkle in my eyes. He is the strength in my soul. He is everything.

May I be able to be the wife he deserves. May i be able to cook like his mom or mine. May i always be able to help him, to soothe his worries, to calm him, to put a smile on his face, the relax him when he is tired and stressed. May i be the one who is worthy of him.

I promise I'll try. I promise I'll be good to him, and his family just as they are my family. I will try my best, By Allah, I will.

Because he deserves it. he really does.

of living and of moving on

2010-05-03T23:46:00.000-07:00

my grandma is unwell for the longest time. Usually she is such a strong woman. After having a stroke so many yrs ago, the Dr said she wouldnt be able to walk anymore. But she refused to take that as a fact for her. She was determined to walk.

And she did just that. Until early last yr, she was still walking around her block, getting her morning exercise.

Its funny how things change, and now she is lying in her hopsital bed, small and frail, while we recite the Yasin for her.

I didnt always have a good history with her, to be honest. She often scolded me for no reason, and i felt unloved by her growing up because i was always picked upon or being talked down to for reasons unknown to me. Even when i attempted to do something nice for her, i would somehow get in trouble coz i didnt do it *her way or *right enough.

But regardless of what happened between us, whenever she needs her family im there or try to be. Now im trying to go to the hopsital everyday. Read the Yasin for her. Ask my friends to pray for her. For even though I may not be the granddaughter she always wanted, Im still her granddaughter.

And i love her, and when i told her that, she cried. Her eyes got teary and mine got teary too.

When she is lying in bed helpless, coughing, her lips dry, her legs thin, my eyes brim with tears. Suddenly you forget all about the bad past history. Suddenly it doesnt mean anything anymore, all those times when i was scolded or yelled at unnecessarily.

Suddenly all that matters is she is my grandmother, and i lover her, and im here on her final days.

wedding presents made easy :)

2010-04-25T23:53:00.000-07:00

Suraya told me to make a list of things I may need for my wedding, as she doesnt have the time or patience to think of what I may want but in the end get it wrong. What she doesnt know is, a gift could never be wrong. I honestly (not trying to be nice here!) appreciate anything. The fact that Azlan (see your name appears on my blog) is coming from Johor or Shahidah taking her time off from Dubai to attend or that others would sacrifice their Church Camp Trip to come to my wedding is gift enough.

But she does have a point, maybe it would be easier to have a list? SO my frens dont have to scratch their heads.

So I made a list with shahir..and feel free to buy/not any of the items listed. You can even share rm5 per person to get me an ikea side table costing rm39.90! Or you can get ideas from here. hehe.

(in no particular order)

1. Queen Size comforter set (purple, cream or blue in colour)
2. Queen Size fitted bed sheet (purple, cream or blue in colour)
3. White Aneboda vhest of three drawers from ikea (rm 199)
4. White VIKA AMON/VIKA Curry table from Ikea (rm 95)
5. White TRONES shoe cabinet 3 pcs for rm 119 from ikea
6. or BISSA shoe cabinet from ikea rm 129 (better value for money can fit 8 shoes)
7. jewellery organizer/place to hang my accessories
8. Knubbig tamble lamp from Ikea rm 79
9. Billy bookcase white rm 75 from ikea
10. white LACK side tabel from Ikea rm 39.90

Thats all I can think of for now..but seriously guys no pressure tau. Anything is fine with me! This is just in case some want an idea of what to get and dont wanna think hard, going from one shop to anor. hehe

Hope to see you all at my wedding!

disclaimer: author has MOOD SWINGS

2010-04-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

This disclaimer shud be pasted on my forehead to warn ppl abt the current position im in.

I never was one of those women that had PMS or mood swings. Sure ada masa yg I felt mad and angry, but usually with good cause. But now, unfortunately, im suffering from PMS (Pre Marital Stress)!!

I feel lonely and terasa easily. Everything he does is not right. I get really sad when he cant talk to me when I need him (coz he is at work). When he says 'dont worry' i think he doesnt take things seriously.

Long story short, Im crazy.

Thing is, im stressed out about alot of things which I cant explain here. I cant voice out my disappointment and frustration to others because I dont want to be rude or anger anyone. I TRY to let things go. I try not to say anything even if Im the one something was promised to over and over again but the promise remains unfulfilled.

Im not good at asking for help from others. I prefer to do it myself sbb tanak susahkan orang. But certain things, I cant do alone. I just dont have the manpower, the physical strength to do it entirely by myself.

It really hurts when the few times i ask for help, and when I need it most, they fail to deliver.

But silly ol me, I keep quiet. I am tired of having arguments. Id rather just let it go.

But the stress in me..escapes to him.

Im sorry. Im so sorry. Though Im not yelling at you, I know you dont deserve to hear me talk in a tone that says: Im miserable and not in the mood.

None of this is your fault. You try so hard. You even try to be there for me when you're overloaded with work. You sneak in an sms or two while you're in a meeting (I hope your skema boss doesnt notice!) . I really appreciate the effort ur putting in.

But sometimes (and this goes to all guys) a woman just wants to let her heart out. She doesnt need the solution to her problems. She already knows the answers. She just wants to be heard. To have someone on her side, supporting her, taking care of her, saying all the things she needs to hear (even if its just lies hehe).

Im sorry. Im not usually like this and i appreciate you being patient with me, especially when you're the kind of guy that doesnt tolerate irrational, emotional, unreasonable creatures most of the time. But you tolerate me :)

Im gonna be better. I cant expect you to read my mind and say magical words to make me stress disappear. But you are TRYING and TRYING HARDER everyday. I think i love you so much more for that.

Dont go. Have patience with me, coz Im better near to you.

********

I cant wait for my sister to come back. When we were small, I fought wit her all d time. I used to lock her in the car seat and she would cry3. hehehehe still makes me laugh thinking about it.

But something happened when I was in high school, and suddenly we didnt fight much anymore. I dont say this out loud but I am now: Beb, you're one of my bestest frens.

For always layaning me when Im sad, for listening to me talk3, for comforting me, for temaning me study, for motivating me to exercise..

For teaching me to cook (thanks for the tip on your blog beb!), for being my number one supporter and back-me-upper..

I thank you. I cant wait for you to come back tau so I can bully you (hahahah not true la ill be nice promise). I know youll help me with whatever I ask (dont worry i wont torture u) coz u understand me like i understand you. I know youll say things that will make me forget im a fatty fatty bom bom.

I know when you're around, Ill feel bettter. Coz a part of me that's missing is here :)

BTW! when ur bck You have to cook with me hahahha so shahe doesnt have to eat sardines n telur goreng all day. I know i can count on you beb! ngehehehehe

counting the days till the best sister ever comes bck. love, maey.

P.S if i dont follow him to singapore, we take his car n berjolly2 together k beb. facial! shopping! movie!

alhmadulillah!

2010-04-20T02:20:00.000-07:00

i cnt believe the result i am staring at. my masters result came out. and its...so much better than i ever expected. alhamdulillah.

Private International Law= A
Evidence (under the infamously wise Prof Akram)= A-
Fundamental Rights and LIberties in Islam= B+

CGPA: 3.667 (is that Deans list? i sure hope it is. But if it isnt, at least shahir thinks its a Deans list. tehehe)

I am just sooooo...thankful. I was studying last minute, demotivated, lonely...i didnt feel confident at all that i would do well. I didnt have my frens to count on me (coz somehow that makes me study harder), I didnt have study partners, I didnt have any notes, I didnt have any one source of reading material (had to read a gazillion articles)..

And for fundamantal rights, I am particularly thankful, because on that exam, I didnt know I could bring in the relevant statues. So i did everything through analogy, common sense, critical thinking (ceh! yeke ni hehe). Gosh, how i wish I had brought my statues with me, maybe I could have gotten 3.8 or something.

But im happy! Im happy God is helping me every step of the way, even when I feel down. I am glad that I managed to make sense through my papers even when I had to digest alot of materials a few days before exam. I am glad that though i hardly remember any cases, I managed to get good result.

Alhamdulillah. Praise be to Allah again and again and again.

:D im so happy! can u tell??? This calls for a celebration!

My Crazy Hen's Night

2010-04-19T22:37:00.001-07:00

Yeah I was totally freaked when i got the sms from suraya telling me to participate 100% and be sporting and the agenda is secret. I smelled something fishy and i was suuuurrrreee my frens were up to no good.

Its a long story but to cut it short, shahir sent me to Delicious. I got the wrong infor and waited at a different delicious (silly me!) so that delayed everything coz someone kena patah balik fetch me.

At delicious, it was a nice lil girl tea session. I was underdressed unfortunately. Entahla, i havent felt like dressing up to the nines for the longest time now. I looked alrite, but not va va voom you know what i mean? I guess when you find someone who loves you for who you are, you dont find the need to wear super killer heels and tons of makeup and fancy clothes. (But that does not mean u shouldnt care aboutyour appearance. Taking care of yourself is always gonna be important, ESP when you're married. Dress up for him, not anyone else. That should be the way).

Anyway, im digressing! I was worried i wouldnt have enough money coz i know that whatever they planned would be costly. But my frens were so nice, they footed the bill for everything! And it was a pleasant surprise when the waiter took pics of us and gave it to us later, siap with a picture frame. Sweet~

Then, they blind folded me! turned me around so i would get dizzy and i got dizzy for sure! then they complain that im not walking properly (whos fault is that again hehe!).. i was freaked out sbb can hear cars everywhere and didnt know where I was goin..

They lead me to a room and i can smell candles and i got excited it seemed so cool. when i finally opened my eyes, I saw that the whole room was decorated for me! rose petals everywhere and candles..there were matching red shirts for everybody.

I had to change into the uniform they got me. They made me play these funny but fun games and i was sporting (sbb yaya suruh la hehehehe) and i had a blast! they even hired a dancer (girl la of course) to loosen me up a bit. i never played sports so i have terrible coordination. She put on r n b music and i HAD to nice. Im not that good but at least, better than expected hehehe~

DIdnt sleep much the whole night, just sat up talking, eating, (they got me pizza and cupcakes! so much food! gemuk), laughing and reminiscing and thinking about the future..

Seriously, i was TOUCHED beyond words at the planning involved. It means so much to me that they did all that. The effort, the time they put in despite their schedules. Girls, i love you to bits. Even though we may have different lives and we may b busy and married with kids, know that Im here for you. Always will be. All you have to do is ask, and ill try my darndest to make it :)

Some people may condemn my frens for being too western, but they are good people, with great hearts. They understand my concerns n dont push me to do something uncomfotable. everything was good clean fun with my girlfriends..and i appreciate that, beause who knows..we may never get to spend sleepovers like this anymore :(

I love you always girls. You are the best.

Your friends till the end,
Murni

UPM

2010-04-15T01:49:00.000-07:00

you know whats funny? i totally, unintentionally skipped two days of work at UPM!

hehehehe im such a muddlehead. the thing is, when i went to lapor diri, no one told me what to do, where my room was, what was my job scope etc. i asked the head of department, he said he will inform me from time to time when my services are needed. so after i finished registering, getting my staff card etc, i left upm..

then the next day, i got a call while i was in UIA and otw to the hosp that i shud be in UPM! i was like, omg im sorry! ok la i didnt say omg but i said sorry many2 times.i didnt know, UIA tade clock in or out, and no one told me the new rules here :(

so here i am, in my new office. its quite big, aircon is cold and im sneezing like always! the first day here for me was uneventful..i dont know where anything is. everyone goes abt their own business and i havent had the opportinity to make frens yet.

So i research about overseas uni and whether i meet the requirements to do my PHD there. I ate alone (what else is new) and the daging flew to my baju and now its dirty, sigh.

OMG btw they have an online PUBLIC record of all the staff yg clock in and out. so you can see which lecturer etc came late. there is even a statistic of lateness. sheesh. i have to be early at 8am otherwise my name will be under the red line. malu je.

i hope things will be better soon, i hope ill get to meet ppl. I hope i get mystudy leave sorted out as its gonna be hard to go to UPM everyday when i have masters class etc.

but all in all, it was an ok albeit slightly boring day. i wanna make some frens! pls!

hehe. Amin

tata for now!

word vomit (ikut lubna's term tehehe!)

2010-03-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

I have a stack of pre-requisite UPM stuff to settle which i am so lazy to do. I hate forms and such. I wish Raihan were here to fill in these things for me. Sigh. But i shall try to lessen the complaints to a minimum, as at least i got the job yay yay!

* * * * *

I dont know what to do my PhD on, nor do i know what university to go to. Am hoping i will get some flexible, part time job over there. And hoping Shahir can do his masters as I know he will die if he doesnt use his brain to its capacity. Picking apples and waiting for me to come home from class wont cut it for him. So im hoping he can do masters and get a part time job too (like maybe teaching Quran to the kids there? or legal clerk or research assistant something like that) but i heard its hard to get jobs overseas.

oh and i have no idea what Uni to apply to in Australia or Uk. HELP!

* * * * *

its really hot lately i hate going out and when i do go out during hot hours, i get a headache a really bad throbbing one until i cnt walk and almost pass out and shahir almost has to carry me to the car coz the pain in so bad so bad that my brain feels like expanding against my skull and when im home i sleep and cnt wake up thats how bad it is.

* * * * *

I cnt wait to spend time with my frens! my subang frens+econs frens, my law frens, my chambering frens..its like a great little present before i embark on another life..a life with more responsiblities. but honestly, i think despite my marriage, i cn still have fun and meet my frens. maybe i may have more freedom! sbb ayah cant say no anymore tehehehe. okay girls this means i cn meet u at night even if it is after magrib!

* * * * *

i have a confession, i have a disease. its called: Shahir-itis. the symptoms are teriible i tell you. Shahir occupies your mind all the times and it forms a lil addiction. If i could have Shahir stapled to my side, I would. Or i would be thumbelina and be happy sitting in his pocket.

Oh God im so lame. Pls save me from this disease!

* * * * *

Gonna go to Padang with ibuk too! yay yay! shopping with mama is the bestest ever..cnt wait. ive been so good lately n not shopped pun..and after pulang dari padang, beb balik wohooo. someone to layan me all the time hehe.

* * * * *

I kinda want a baby. a cute fat baby so i can eat. But we'll see. kalau murah rezeki. baby+belaja= susah jugak. hope i cn handle it

the forgotten

2010-03-24T00:59:00.000-07:00

its sad for me to say this, but i think im forgotten.

some ppl that i hold dear, that im supposed to be so close with..just dont really notice im here.

i know we all have our own lives, im well aware of that. i know we have our own things to do, deadlines to meet, work to catch up with. but no matter how busy i was, i tried tried tried to make time for you.

even if my mind is elsewhere, even if im so overloaded with things to do, even if it means shahir offers to do my work the whole day just so i can be with you, that is what i do.

i dont expect the same. but honestly, it would be nice if you tried. once in a blue moon. called maybe? or ajak for tea? or maybe, maybe try to make it for the most important events if you're busy every other day?

it would mean alot to me. but it hurts that that is just too damn hard for you to do.

its not everyone that makes me sad. i know who tries despite our conflicting schedules. i really appreciate it, really. if i could hug you right now, i would.

because you see me, remember lil ol me even when you're busy. even when you're far away. a lil YM nudge from you..an offer from you to help with me wedding..a 10 minute call..makes me feel like im still a part of your life.

cause u are very much a part of mine.

even if i may be getting married, i am trying. ill always try. i know my future husband will still let me meet my friends, coz my friends were there since then. I havent forgotten that.

Have you?

The day I was glad she trespassed...

2010-03-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

My mommy trespassed by reading my letter without my consent. tehehe.

No lah, she peeped into the clear window at the envelope and saw i got the offer. So she msgd me and of course i wanted her to open it, i cnt wait that long to go home and read it myself! tak tahan ni! excited!

I GOT THE UPM JOB!

Words cant express the gratitude i feel towards Allah SWT, my dad, my mom, my family and friends that supported me.

I cant believe it..i feel like pinching myself awake. Im so unbelievably happy :D

They will sponsor my PhD insyaAllah overseas..I just have to get accepted into an overseas university hehe (now I have to make sure i pass that too!). They will give me monthly pay and allowance. Though its not as much as a person working in the corporate world would make, its enough for me. Its enough for me and my needs and the needs of my family currently :)

Ya Allah. Thank you for making my dreams come true. You were always saving the best for last, I guess. And now, things are falling into place. You gave me him and you gave me the best job i ever wanted. Thank you.

It seems sometimes that you have to go through so many bumpy roads, but alhamdulillah, now im here. Ive reached this place in my life where i am at peace.

This is my dream, my ambition, my sole purpose..to teach. I hope I can be good at it and make everyone proud. It isnt easy to leave law and leave the corporate life where money is great and i get to wear the fancy clothes and heels and impress people with some fancy title to my name, like 'Corporate Financial Manager' or something like that.

InsyaAllah im gonna be a teacher. What i always wanted to be. :)

Now im thinking..i could get a car. a simple small car that cn take me to work and home and to shopping complexes and to pasar (pasar? carrefour i mean hahahaha kidding!) and everyday places.

ViVA new one? or a second hand car? Im taking a vote here peeps! want your input!

* * * * *

I must express my thanks to you. You really helped me. You stayed with me during my hard times and made sure I passed my exams when you knew I was crying all the time when no one else could see. The last bit of my undergrad life was hard, but I appreciate, appreciate, appreciate so much that you kept your promise.

And you helped me through.

Your words, your encouragement, your support helped me to get here too. I havent forgotten you.

Who can forget one of the best friends to ever walk this earth?

watch your back

2010-03-15T03:10:00.002-07:00

If you touch her, I will kill you.

I.WILL.KILL.YOU.

And i know God wouldn't fault me. You watch your back. Just because Im a girl, just because Im small doesnt mean im afraid of you.

When you're on the side of truth, you're not afraid. Im not afraid of you.

If you do it, ill make you suffer. Ill make you pay. You're scum. You make me sick.

If you do it, May God have mercy on your soul cause i sure as hell will not pity you any more.

getting ahead

2010-03-08T20:17:00.000-08:00

life is simple: without money, you cant survive. You just cant. thats the way it works.

that being said, you dont necessarily need that much money, as long as you know how to cut your clothes according to your cloth. i cant believe how ive changed. though i have desires for material things (tipula if you dont want to have the latest clothes) i think im doing pretty well without.

i appreciate the fact that my parents didnt raise me with a silver spoon in my mouth. i didnt get a car like most people do. though i complain to myself sometimes, i know it was for a purpose. there are some things that i should just do myself.

my parents arent gonna live forever. i dont wanna live in a dream world where i am buying all these things i dnt need and raising my credit card DEBT and being stressed how to pay these bills.

i just want the most important things in life. a family, a good insurance and health plan, a comfortable home.

we bought a house! yippeee!! its pretty big (a Semi D) in putrajaya and it'll be ready at the end of next year. we may not move in yet though sbb kena kumpul duit to buy fans, lights, install the grills. but its a start. to know i have a home in a neighbourhood i am comfortable raising my kids at makes me so so so happy.

im gonna decorate our hse nicely, insyaAllah. i have an idea of the concept i want and where to buy affordable furniture (not ikea ppl, ikea is a rip off!!). im gonna put lotsa black and white pics of me and my family on the walls in simple wooden frames.

and our bedroom will be purple. poor shahir. but he said its ok, bedroom purple is ok. (tapi dulu dia tak kasi. i think he loves me more now hehe!). Im gonna have a simple guest room/study room kat bawah where his family/our friends can sleep whenever they come over.

and ill buy that shisha thingy. so he n his friends dnt have to go rasta slalu. but dia lah yang kena bakar arang..

sigh. it makes me smile thinking about it.

I just got a Research Assistant position that pays well. On top of that, ill be tutoring. So that'll be enough to pay for a car and help with the bills sket2. If i get that UPM job, insyaAllah things will be more comfortable. I dont have to worry so much coz with that UPM job, ill have security and wont feel so bad abt burdening him.

I can belanja my family and his at nice places to eat. im looking forward to taking care of my family :)

oh oh! and a car! yay! if my rezeki is murah, ill get a viva red in colour (or maybe a 2nd hand car whichever is of better value). as long as it gets me from one place to another. i long for the independence it brings in having my own car. no more waiting and disturbing for others to fetch me. I can finally do things myself.

Ya Allah, thank you for making my dreams come true. Though things are hard and finances are tight, i wanna work hard to make it work. I dont want to complain. Ill do what it takes to achieve my dream of being a lecturer AND making some money along the way.

A handbag that leads to guilt..

2010-02-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

Yes i bought an expensive handbag. granted, it was on sale and i had to circle isetan a few times to THINK whether or not i should purchase it. in the end, with support from shahir, i bought it.

Argh. i wish i didnt have to feel guilty. he says i deserve something for working hard. its not like i can bring money to the grave. and it is such a nice handbag..such good quality..such soft leather..sigh.

ok now. i have to get realistic. no more makan byk lauk. kena save duit ni! kena save duit for my life in the future, where mom and dad wont tanggung me anymore (sob sob). Though there is someone else that will tanggung me, i cant bear the thought of him doing this alone. dah la nak beli rumah lagi..

ok so i have to prioritise. selain the things listed below, i SHALL NOT BUY ANYTHING FOR MYSELF. Except...

1. dark blue jeans to hide my fat legs
2. more baju panjang to cover my butt
3. tudung indon so i can easily slip it on when his brothers come home
4. laptop for him
5. present for beb and kak as n kak am n belanja my parents makan
6. trip with frens (dekat2 je tapi)
7. save money for his bday

Thats all the necessary things i think i need right now. besides that, insyaAllah i will not spend! i will not!

Amin

The real position of women is Islam

2010-02-08T20:51:00.000-08:00

hey guys. im attempting to finish up my article that my lecturer asked me to write, entitled "Issues of women in Islamic Family Law". Its about the common misconceptions people have about the status of Muslim women in the family and my attempt tho dispel those myths. It was so hard to begin writing this paper, because Im a perfectionist. I dont wanna write something when i think that my knowledge isnt that great yet.

But i have to start somewhere. This is the first chapter baru. I hope its ok.

Many western scholars speak of our Prophet on sarcastic terms and it is not uncommon for them to paint him as a predator of women, young and old alike. They pass this unfair judgment simply because they know of the fact that the Prophet SAW has had ten wives at a given time and assume that any man who could have that many wives must be doing so to satisfy his lust. Aisya R.A’s tender age is also the subject of criticism.

What they fail to comprehend is the fact that the Prophet SAW is no ordinary man. Truly, Muslims and Non-Muslims alike vouched for the purity of his character. He did not marry more than one woman for reasons of the flesh but for other considerations such as poverty and security. The Prophet was a great advocate for the fair and just treatment of women and proof of this can be seen from his very own, day to day conduct.

His marriage to Khadija R.A. is worthy to be mentioned. She was the first wife of the Prophet, and some say the most beloved. She was a wealthy businesswomen and the courtship was a rather unconventional one, with Khadijah being the one to ask for him to join her in matrimony.

It was never reported of her great beauty. She was in fact 15 years older than the Prophet. But that was never a matter to her detriment. The Prophet loved and cherished his wife for the support, devotion, loyalty and affection she bestowed upon him in their 25 years of marriage. In all those years, never did the Prophet take on another wife.

His reverence of her brought on the natural jealousies of his later wife, Aisya whereby she had asked him why he always thinks of Khadijah when Allah has since granted the Prophet better wives. To this the Prophet simply replied, “Never better. She hailed my mission at a time when everyone howled against it, and lent me the support of her conviction when there was hardly a believer. She enlivened my life when I was woe begone and opened the floodgates of her heart when I was lonely and deserted. How can I forget her? She also gave me children most loving.”

Such statement could not be uttered by a man who is alleged to have looked upon women as mere chattel. It would be impossible for him to remain married to an elderly woman for so long if he were supposedly moved by such consideration. His high regard for women can be seen in the example of his marriage and also from various hadith, such as “The best amongst you is the one who is best towards his wife”. The Prophet is also reported tohave said, “Whoever is blessed with two daughters or is taking charge of two sisters, and treats them well and patiently, he and I shall be in Paradise like this,” gesturing by his index and middle finger.

We can see that the Prophet always recognized the status and position of a wife and his saying shows even if a man were to be leader of a country, or hold a high position in society, that would not be the criteria which raises him above the others. It is actually the treatment of a man towards his wife, mother, children and sisters that may raise his esteem in the sight of Allah and the Prophet.

The Prophet is the model to be referred with regards to how one should treat women. Praiseworthy as his actions are, they are simply the application of Allah’s laws. As reported by Aisya, the Prophet’s conduct is the Quran.

It is absurd for orientalists to assert that women has been discriminated against in the history of Islam when from the teachings of the Quran and the conduct of the Prophet, men have been instructed to be good to women, and being good to women would lead them closer to paradise. If women were of no value, then how would treating them well lead men nearer to heaven? Surely this means that women are of great worth in Islam.

Some are of the opinion that women in Islam have no place in society except that of child bearers and maintainers of the household. That assertion could not be further from the truth. Khadijah was the one who held a better position than her own husband in terms of wealth. She was the one who was superior economically, having her own business and large estate to her family name.

That position did not cease due to her marriage to the Prophet and her coming into Islam. If Islam did not support the positive position of women in the economy and workforce, then most definitely the Prophet would have asked that Khadijah give up her business as there is no place for her to work and be so successful in Islam. But this, the Prophet did not do, as Islam allows for women to work and earn for herself. She need not give up her salary or wealth to her husband, as Islam recognizes that husband and wife are separate legal individuals.

With regards to the belief that women in Islam are of no significant position, the case of Aisya R.A would drive out those misguided notions. Albeit being the youngest wife of the Prophet (she was only eighteen when he passed away), she became the point of reference for so many companions and Muslim scholars in their attempt at deriving and collecting authentic hadith and sunnah of the Prophet. This was done, despite the fact that she was a woman. The Prophet’s companions did not think Aisya was beneath them, for if they had thought so they would not have come to her in their quest for knowledge!

Western scholars, writers and the general public are quick to come to their conclusions when it comes to Islamic issues. They interpret a situation in their own narrow eyes and label our laws as unbecoming or against natural justice and basic rights of humans. What they fail to realize is, they interpret our laws and injunctions according to their own cultural norms and beliefs.

Take for example the hijab. Westerners are so affected by this garment and find it so offensive because they view it as a way of controlling the woman’s beauty. According to them, women should be at liberty to do as she wills with her body. What they see as oppressive and infringement of a woman’s free will and freedom, we see as a form of protection of innocence and chastity, security and a way for women to be respected.

Why is it better that a woman should prance around almost naked? Is that what you call freedom and liberation? Is that what you call respect? In my opinion, the Western world that are such ‘advocates’ of human rights are moving backwards into the Jahilliyah or Age of Ignorance, where women were nothing more than sexual objects. Their beliefs have resulted in more damage than good. A woman in America is pressured to bear all, pose nude and the like in the hopes of getting ahead in her career. She recognizes that if she does not do this, she will not be noticed and given attention. If she does follow the trend of others, she will be labeled as a prude, traditional, boring. Where is the ‘freedom of will’ or ‘empowerment’ here? Does it not mean anything when a woman is coerced into doing something she would rather not do?

Though the example of the hijab is not concerning the family law of Muslims, it does reflect on people’s understanding of women’s status in Islam. The point to be driven here is that, it is a matter of perspective. The West sees things in their liberated, contemporary perspective. They are clever, coming up with terms to make their ideals appealable and approachable. A naked woman on a cover of a magazine is not indecent, she is ‘confident’. This is the exact kind of twisted mindset that has persuaded the general public into thinking that Islam and its laws are narrow and are a derogation of human rights.

Thus is the misconception of women in Islam. With the reference of proper books and materials, and looking at things open-mindedly, one would unquestionably realize that women in the Muslim family do not hold a position of shame and indignity. On the contrary, in Islam women are revered and honoured to the high heavens, granting rights and protecting their status more so than any other religion and modern legislation affords to women.

**hehe. its still in the early works. i know im no scholar. i put that disclaimer so no one would misunderstand me. But I am a believer, albeit one who makes mistakes. I want to be better and contribute in my own way, with the knowledge that I have. Im reading everyday, and i hope to get better one day..

Amin

my own little world

2010-01-06T20:11:00.000-08:00

i havent updated in awhile because not much has been happening..

im tutoring final year students now. i even replace lectures sometimes. its challenging coz i take it seriously. i have to prepare before i go to class, i dont want students to ask me something i know nothing of.

the first tutorial i conducted was kinda hard..students are very quiet n unparticipative. so i tried to enagge them..make them feel like we dont have boundaries..and true enough, one they stop seeing me as a 'teacher' they start opening up.

i keep reminding them to try, try answering. you might be right but never had the confidence to voice out your thoughts. and sometimes, the way you articulate your thoughts is important too. sometimes you know the issue, you know the answer but if u use the wrong words to explain it, it means something else altogether.

alhamdulillah the students are very particiaptive now..and they are smart. they give logical answers, applying the principals. cases tu senang je..before exam boleh hafal all the funny n complicated chinese names ie Hwa Tau Tau etc. As long as you understand the reasons behind the decision. Thats the most important.

i hope im doing some good. i really wanna be a lecturer. but doing masters is hard. i guess everything is hard. chambering pun susah..jadi hamba org. i study really hard now, in academia you have to know EVERYTHING. its different than practice coz in practice, you take one case and spin it your way. if the judge likes your argument, then you win. aint like that in the academic world. reading reading reading analysing.

but its fulfilling once you make sense of the crap all these english and indian and malaysian judges are saying. why they have to speak in a putar belit, complicated language ill never understand. you cn say things straight to the point AND STILL SOUND INTELLIGENT.

i think the only thing i dont like about doing masters is that im virtually alone. all the time. i stay on campus (gosh!) and that wouldnt be so bad if my frens were around. i make frens with my masters classmates but most of them are older n married and have jobs so lepaking or having coffee is rarely in their vocab. they have spouses n children to run home to.

i try to keep occupied..study..read..write..teach..go out when i can. im accustomed to being alone. but being alone all the time is..lonely. hehe. thats stating the obvious isnt it? i miss my frens. i miss him :( but everyone has their own lives..and this is the life i chose.

i hope i get to teach at a university and do some good. help students. thats my main concern. not the promotion or the administrative post. i wanna be in the classroom, interacting with the kids. and i wanna write. i think i can write well. i just need to start SOMEWHERE.

I have to start somewhere for me to be great one day, just like ibuk and ayah. So even though the dream might be years away, i have to hold on to it.
.............................................................................

Preparing for the wedding is hard. Im not into an extravagant affair, i think Allah didnt encourage us to waste and show off to others. I want a simple, elegant affair. cukup syarat. Good company, good food. Thats all that matters to me.

The reaserch for wedding things is hard! things are super expensive. i cnt believe this is what ppl charge sometimes. sheeesh. this wedding industry is a money making business i tell you.

im glad im keeping it simple n uncomplicated. i found out that doing it at dewan is chaper than doing it at home (sbb tents mahal!) but thats the only thing i really want. a house wedding. so ppl feel at home. so it has a more personal feel.

im gonna decorate my own room! im excited about that. i found all these nice things i can put in..white accessories to match my white n lilac room. (yes in a very girlie girl hehe as u cn see from my room)

i cant wait to get married. im prepared to leave my comfortable life with my parents for a new life with him.

............................................................................

But its true what they say..bila dah bertunang asyik gaduh. sigh. i dont know why. stress maybe?

Im sorry I am emotional sometimes. Im sorry i get stressed. Im sorry i get agitated :(

I think i sometimes take too heavy a burden on myself. I think about too many things. I dont want to trouble you. So i even do the things that im supposed to leave to you.

And i HATE the fact that right now, im not earning. I have to depend on you, and that scares me. not because i think you cant handle it. but because i dont want you to shoulder all our finances alone. I want to help too.

But my hands are kinda tied. Im studying full time and i dont have a proper job. SO im doing whatever I can to make things easy for you. I want to do whatever I can to help..

I guess thats why im stressed jugak. n the fact that you're not here with me (coz ur busy, i know. I know you have two jobs coz u want to support me and i appreciate it, i really do)..and my frens are not here too..

i miss you. and i miss them. i miss my sister (thats you beb!).

I know youre busy and i understand but sometimes its hard when things get terribly lonely for me here.

I hope things get better. I dont wanna fight da. I really am looking forward to beginning a new chapter with you.

I cant wait. Susah senang, ill stick by you.

the start

2009-11-16T22:06:00.000-08:00

I've stopped chambering. 3 months into it, and i knew i had to go because things change. there are other considerations in my life that override my need to please my ego, feel special and get called to the bar.

InsyaAllah, Im planning to get married next year. And in anticipation of a husband who is a litigation (and almost everything else) lawyer with a crazy schedule, I know that i need to have a job with more flexible hours.

Its a choice I made myself which i dont regret. There are so many jobs that I could do which would give me more happiness than being a lawyer. A job that I am passionate about, but at the same time allows me to take care of the ones I love most. My family.

Mr Lawyer is amongst the smartest persons I have ever met. I know that at this stage, it is important for him to get exposure and experience as much as he can while he is still young. But it isnt easy. The hours are erratic and things are never certain. Im constantly being put on hold or cancelled out on. After waiting for days and looking forward to the most simple of things, I get a last minute call on a sunday saying...it cant happen. work calls. it always does.

after a good cry, i realised that its okay. I know he tries so very hard to be in two places at once and pull the impossible. I cant blame him..At least I know kalau susah sekarang, senang kemudian. If its worth it, i'll wait.

In this case, i know its so very worth it.

He works extremely hard, more than he should. With his experience he could get an easier, higher paying job but he doesnt (which sampai skarang im like..why? why?!! keje kat shell dpt byk benefits and can claim for everything! masuk hospital private dorang byr..taya risau). He does this for the knowledge and exposure it gives him. He can withstand the meager pay and the crazy late hours (ie 5am on a bad day) for the experience.

I honestly dont know if i have what it takes to work like that, and still make time for my family. If it was me, I know Id be a zombie.

But he still makes time for me. He always does, with the time that he has.

Now he is starting a mengaji centre. I am scared and I am worried because I know NOTHING about business. Im a planner, I like things when its secure and starting a business is anything BUT secure. But despite my fears, I wanna support him because he is doing something unselfish. Something for the community, something to help his Ustaz gain extra money, and something that would help him in the afterlife.

Because of this new venture in his life, i know there is gonna be even LESS time. Every weekend will have to be dedicated to making sure this centre will work.

Im trying to do what i can to help him. If i had tons of money ill just give it to him so he doesnt have to work so hard to get his capitol (betul ke term ni i havent got a clue!). Ill give up my relaxing weekends to help him scrub the windows with paint thinner till my fingers sting. Ill teach too (not mengaji la im not good at all! teach sains and english hahaha). whatever it takes.

I know it will be challenging, but Im determined to be his pillar of support. He deserves it. He deserves a good meal when he comes home, a warm and cozy house, an ear to listen to his worries and not a mouth that will nag at him for being late.

I cnt do that If am a lawyer too. The thing is, i realise that if i wanted to, i could be a pretty good lawyer. Even with a difficult boss, I manage. I must be doing something right if my boss tells anor lawyer im good after i had already left the firm.

But I dont wanna be a lawyer. I dont wanna work until the sun comes up. I dont wanna miss terawih all the time. I dont wanna be good at my job and be praised but im so tired at night that I just wanna crawl to bed and would snap at anyone that annoys me or disturbs my sleep.

Its just not worth it for me. Its not the life I want.

It doesnt bother me if others think im unambitious. I just have priorities. And my priority is my family. Dnt get me wrong, I want a career. If i stay at home sahaja, ill grow crazy with boredom.

Now im trying to figure out what is my next, best move. I know (all the while masa studying law and teaching about 7 girls last minute before exam) that i wanna teach. It is so fulfilling to know you've helped someone understand. It warms my heart when i get sms-es from my unofficial students who tell me thanks for helping me pass their exams.

Really, nothing could mean more to me than thoses sms-es. Not even a nice paycheck (oh wait. pay check is nice when i wanna buy that RM80 handbag but think 3 times sbb nak save duit. what happened to me?! i was such a great shopper!!).

I really get it now, why women make the choices that they do. Why a medical doctor would stop practice to set up her own company so it brings her closer to home. Why a woman would give up the offer to be Dean coz her kids are still young n need her at home. Seriously, its not an easy choice. But you do what is best for your family.

And you're still happy.

I really really hope and pray I get to be a good (not to mention hot and young) lecturer. I hope my students like me and I could somehow make a difference in their lives. I hope I have the time to write the books that are in my head (dah ada draft tapi i keep correcting it! mcm ni takkan habis2 la buku ni). Maybe it'll make it to Oprah's book club. Nothing is impossible right ;)

But most of all, I wanna be a good wife and mommy. Thats the best career.

Doakan ye kawan2. May God grant your wishes (and mine!)

AMIN

after a long hiatus

2009-09-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

I havent had the time to sit down and properly write and update this pathetic, dusty blog of mine. But since cuti raya is coming around, and coincidentally i cnt sleep lepas sahur ni (entah knape) I might as well write.

Work is terrible. The actual work wouldnt be so bad but everything becomes that much more difficult if you have a brilliant/workaholic/never-sleeps-that-calls-at-1am boss, things become so hard. The last minute work right before you are about to leave gets dumped on your lap, with no direction or clear instruction on how to do it, with him calling you every few minues expecting an answer/finished product when you have no idea how to do the freakin thing in the first place, with him pressuring you and saying FASTER FASTER FASTER..its enough to make me lethargic just writing this out.

He says chambering is NOT supposed to be a learning experience. You are a lawyer and cant make mistakes..you are to advise a client like a lawyer.

Sigh.

I dont mind the work, but its the getting scolded, constantly feeling like you're stupid and nothing you do is ever good enough part that gets to me.

It doesnt help that when i leave late and have got to take the KTM home, it takes FOREVER. A normal 30 min drive is prolonged to 2 hours sometimes (coz too many ppl that youhave to take the 2nd train, and teh 2nd train is delayed lagi. frustrating!) drains your energy, but when you come home u cnt sleep coz you still have to finish up your work. So you head straight upstairs and face your laptop, saying hi/bye to your parents as they watch tv together and you cant.

I guess this is what working life isall about. Maybe all bosses are this way. Im trying very hard to be resourceful, helpful, efficient. I want so bad to be good in what i do. I wish so much that I cn do something right and he could look at my work and actually like it/be impressed by it. Im so tired of feeling like a fool.

Thank Goodness to the helpful chambees that help get me through the day. Thanks to other lawyers that help to explain things when Im at a dead end. Thanks to the one that temans me to offices to get documents and drives me back.

Sometimes I think Im going crazy. I miss beb. She's not around so I cn dump my stories on her. waaa :(

I miss my friends too. I feel like im a faded memory..that people are moving along with their lives and im not a part of it anymore. i wish i had the time to be included. I wish im still remembered. Coz i miss you. I miss you guys.

Its getting a lil better now, after my first month. But i know soon, more work will come in..I'll be assisting him right up to Federal Court. The bigger the cases, the higher the stress levels. I am grateful for the exposure, but sometimes there's too many things coming at you until you dont have the time to digest it. I wish i had the time to appreciate what im doing.

I pray things will get better soon. Maybe in the early stages, everything is like this and everyone faces it. I just pray that this stage ends soon, and I am more confident of who I am. Constantly 2nd-guessing yourself and thinking you are useless is defenitely NOT FUN.

Owh, btw..Slamat Hari Raya! Maaf zahir batin.

Sincerely,
Murni

4 months...

2009-08-07T00:33:00.000-07:00

the best thing about staying at home for four long months is this: I get closer to my family.

While in Uia, though i went home most weekends, i was usually busy with work. I didnt get to talk as much with mom/dad or my sisters except for a few hours each day, because the rest of the hours were spent upstairs in my room on the computer doing my assignment or reading a thick casebook.

I have been bored often, i have to admit during this long stretch of holidays. Sometimes i feel useless, like i dont know where my life is headed because everyone else seems so put together.
But then again, when else will i ever get to enjoy this period of doing nothing much but just..being? why rush into the rat race of the working world with mortgages and bills t pay when i will do that my whole life? might as while enjoy this while i can..

so i do errands and attempt cooking because pia is on a cooking frenzy since she is going to the States soon. I might as well make myself useful in the kitchen too. I tell you, it cn be a disaster! Potong bwk sampai menangis (usually i dont but entahla hari tu..the bwg must be bad!), goreng ayam tapi takut2..i almost threw the chicken into the kuali! but someone told me the best training to goreng is to start with fried egg.

and its true..its still a lil scary to me, though..frying eggs in alot of oil. the popping sound and the fear that i will burn and scald myself is enough to keep me away from the kuali. but im proud to say now i really a trying. i can make decent telur masak kicap (yay!) and goreng nuggets without throwing it in the pan like a basketball. hahhaha

one small step..one giant leap for mankind..or so the saying goes. Well, something like that anyway..hehe

oh but the best part must be how Emir loves me much more since i am at home. he calls me Mwah, since i think that is the sound i make each time i kiss him (and believe me, i kiss him alot he gets covered in my kisses!). when he wants me, or when im up in my room, he calls myname from the bottom mof the stairs n it just breaks my heart..his cute lil baby voice carries..."Mwah? Mwahhh~.."

or when he just woke up from sleep that day and was really manja and cranky. the maid was holding him and he is used to the maid. but that day, he didnt want her and reached his grubby lil baby arms out to me and cried and said "mwah..mwah!"

haih. cair okay. thats it man. thats love right there. its the best feeling in the world, knowing emir loves me. knowing that he wants to look for me.

but mind you, i can be garang. just because he is one year and 6 months doesnt give him the rite to be bratty. we teach him to say please, when he wants something and thank you. We teach him to call older ppl abang and to kiss their hands. we teach him to read. i teach him to take things from me and switch on the fan (he is so helpful! and im taking advantage hehehe).

i love the baby to bits, but when he needs scolding, he'll get it. Discipline is important too. Is you love them, you wouldnt let them get away with being a spoilt brat.

im gonna start work soon, and im excited/nervous/scared at the same time. but its time for me to leave the home and make something of myself..its time for me to go off into the real world.

but one things for sure: im gonna miss these 4 months like crazy :(

2009-08-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

i have never met a man as great as my father.
sometimes, he just puts me in awe and im left speechless.
his words have the power to inspire you, to instil motivation, to wanna make you insaf.
ayah cakap, " Allah suka bila kite doa utk sume bende, walaupun bende tu nampak mcm kecik atau remeh temeh je. "

And then dad said, God promises to answer all prayers. But he answers them as God, as the One who knows more than we do. And he told the story of a devout man who came to the Prophet Musa, and related that an unbeliever, who never prayed to God for anything, got all the riches and everything he desired in this worldly life. But he who prayed all the time did not get anything. Then the Prophet Musa said, God is punishing that man. In giving him all that he wants, that man will continue to forget God, continue not to pray as he gets whatever that he wants without difficulty. But God loves this man (the one that went to Prophet Musa) because by not granting him what he prays for, he is strengthening his faith in God and he will continue to pray to God, continue to be connected with God.

Then Dad says, "You see, God grants all prayers. Its just sometimes, he grants them in ways you dont expect."

I understood and it all made sense. SOmetimes i pray so so so hard and feel so sad when things dont happen, when it doesnt get easier, when im still made to suffer. I keep hoping and praying that God will answer my prayer.

Now i realise He did answer them. I just never knew it. But now i do.
I sometimes dont get what i want. Instead, i get what is best for me.

Dad made me see that.

Dad's words can guide you and bring you to a better place.

ive seen how he inspires others, how ppl from all ovr the world (literally) come to our house to just listen to him speak.

i love hearing dad speak.

i feel terrible that i am NOTHING like him.
I am nowhere near as great as him.
But i wanna be, i SO wanna be.

in my own way, i wanna make a difference. I wanna make you proud of me.

InsyaAllah

datuk's passing...

2009-08-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

my grandfather passed away this monday. it was quite a shock because he lead a very active, healthy life.

i really dont want to mourn his life, but celebrate it. i remember when i was younger, he'd swing me as i sit on this kain pelikat (i treated it like a hammock!)..i remember his favourite chair which was made from plastic that could be pulled out and he could stretch his long legs. it was the ugliest thing but he loved that chair..i remember his rokok daun..i remember him taking me for walks around the kampung hse n showing me the farm animals..the serati..datuk urging me to hold the baby chickens he caught for me..i remember him helping with my plastisin models and making my plastisin whales resemble an animal coz when i did it, it was really ugly.

datuk didnt have a high education, but he was a smart man. he understood physics well. he used its concepts to make his own tools, inventions..there was never an idle moment in his life. datuk was mr fix it..down to the plumbing and making his own knives and everything.

i was closer to datuk when i was young..when i wasnt shy to hold on to his kain and ask him to take me around. when he would put me on his shoulders. when he'd tease me about my cabbage patch kid because the doll was bald. when i was brave enough as an innocent kid to marah him and tell him to stop smoking.

as i got older, i got shy. getting teased for my terrible kelantanese, it discouraged me to speak. and when datuk lost his voice, i talked to him less, because i didnt wanna agitate him when i couldnt understand what he was trying to say.

i regret not doing more. a friend tried to console me and remind me i wasnt a terrible grandchild..that i teman-ed datuk and sent him to the hospital for treatments..but really, i wish i did more. that is my only regret. that i knew what a great man he was, but didnt give him the opportunity to know me that well.

thats the only thing im sad about. but the rest, im not really that sad because i knew datuk lead a great life. a full life surrounded by his kids and grandchildren. he was never alone, not for a second and he didnt suffer in his passing, alhamdulillah. his loved ones were around went he went.

if i had to choose how to go, it would be like that.

datuk cared about religion, and until the day before his dying day he prayed all of his prayers at the mosque.

i can only pray now that he is amongst the Rightly Guided Ones in the Afterlife. Amin.

P.S. I'll miss you datuk. I'll miss you being around :'(

2009-07-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

Woman was created from the rib of man.. Not from his head to be above him.. Nor his feet to be walked upon.. But from his side to be equal.. Near his arm to be protected.. And close to his heart to be loved...

walking away

2009-07-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

it would be so easy not to forgive you
for all the things you've done over the years
the trouble the pain the hurt the tears
looking back, i was the fool who always tried to ease your fears

when i came to know of the lies i wasnt angry
i was just heartbroken that this is how you would just let things be
disappointed that you were so quick to judge and condemn me
and i realised that now, your eyes have been burned and you refuse to see

until now, i sit on my bed wide awake
i was the one that refused to let you burn at the stake
though others told me it was futile, i didnt want to let you go
i wanted to believe in the good man that i used to know

i was there, being your rock when you let down your guard
i was there, holding your hand each time it got hard
i was there, believing that you would
though you were the one who doubted you could

i never wanted you to give me the world
but little did i expect your fury to be unfurled
to me, the one who didnt quit on you
the one who until now, hopes this nightmare isnt true

but i am the one you choose to ignore
treating me worse than how tyrant kings treat the poor
and i feel stupid now, forgiving you each time you asked
each time you cried and said this mistake would be your last

the hurt you caused cuts deep like a knife
the devil in me wants to shout, meet me in the afterlife!
but my conscience whispers to forgive you despite it all
its what The Prophet would have done,
forgiving his enemies no matter how many times they plotted for his fall

my conscience whispers this is the right thing to do
it burns at times but i need to forgive you
as for me, i can't bear to stay, im through
but i'll still pray and hope one day, you'll start anew

i just can't be here waiting for the day when you do.
for i can't love you unconditionally like i used to.

2009-07-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

i hear your voice, whispering what is wrong and right

because of your help, my principles i hold on tight

you remind me that i should never give up this fight

always ready with an encouragement, you help me to see

the things i doubt are actually the things you always knew i could be

and help bring out the best in me

as you do in everybody

you left a permanent mark here

though you are far, your footsteps dont disappear

you are still remembered by all those that hold you dear

you, our modern day saviour..

3/7/2009

when faced with choice...

2009-05-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

When faced with a difficult choice, are you sure you can make the right one?

It’s not always that easy, especially in this modern day and age where temptation is staring at you in the face. It’s everywhere you go. You could turn a blind eye, or maybe shield yourself by being in your own world where you can run away from these things like they don’t exist.
But these vices do exist, and running away doesn’t help anyone. If you cocoon yourself and never expose yourself to how the real world is, then are you sure that if the challenge presents itself, you can face it?

It is my experience that sometimes (and I emphasize SOMETIMES) those that come from a sheltered world don’t know how to handle themselves when they move into the city. They aren’t used to this new, crazy, fast paced life and soon enough, they are lured into this dark world of sin and…well you know the rest.

Slowly the hijab is discarded, replaced with tighter, sheer clothing. Slowly the vocabulary shifts from “Assalamualaikum” to regular curses and vulgar expressions. The Quran that was their companion sits on the table, collecting dust as they go out into the night, trying out all the new things their previous life never offered.

I’m not a great Muslim, honestly. It is always my worry that if I died today (God forbid) I wouldn’t be going to heaven. It takes a lot to reach that level of good, where you are deserving of paradise. And Im not sure I deserve it .But I want to deserve it. I try.

I can’t count the mistakes I have made in my 23 yrs of living. But at least, I tried almost every time to follow my conscience, even if my heart or my earthly desires are persuading me to “Just do it!”

I have many friends, from all walks of life. I think it’s a very narrow-minded person who would just stick to a category of ppl. Just because some differ from you religiously or on some ideals, doesn’t mean they are not worthy of respect or friendship. I really HATE those who sits on top of their high horse, judging other ppl for the sins they have committed. Don’t these self-righteous ppl understand that if they got down from their high horse, if they just made friends with these ‘sinners’ they could help so much more? You could really reach a person with just a kind gesture or gentle conversation where you don’t make the other person feel like a complete disbeliever who is destined for hell.

A person once said (I cant remember who) : “An act of love, even to a bad man, can make him good.”

I know that’s what the Prophet would have done. And It frustrates me when some ppl fail to see the bigger picture.

That’s why I don’t want to choose who my friends are. Who can judge what is in a person’s heart? Only Allah knows that and since we are not God, I think it’s better if we all weren’t so judgmental. You can still be friends with those that are different from you, while maintaining your principles. And who knows, one day maybe your friends will follow suit. InsyaAllah.

It isn’t easy though, trying to maintain your principles. And lately, I was faced with something difficult. Even the thought of it brings tears to my eyes.

I was in a place that I didn’t really want to be. It was no one else’s fault but mine. I guess I shouldn’t have come knowing that there is a possibility of that happening at the end of the day. But I guess I didn’t think it would happen, or I didn’t think it would be that bad. And a small part of me didn’t want to be the prude. A tiny part of me didn’t want to be the kampong girl who ruins everyone else’s fun. I wanted to make my friends happy.

But when I was there, seeing all those ppl around me, I couldn’t take it. My soul, my heart, my conscience was screaming and all I wanted to do was run. But I couldn’t. I stood frozen in place, a little numb. This isn’t the place for me. This isn’t me.

Even though I was exposed to that for about 5 minutes, that’s all it took for me to feel guilt beyond understanding. My heart pounds, my eyes tear and my voice is choked when I recall that incident some time ago.

Though nothing happened, im sharing this with you because I want you to know that sometimes, you will face this kind of situation.

It’s easy to say you’ll walk right out of there. But it’s hard, especially if you’re in an environment where certain things are accepted as the norm. For instance if you are a lawyer and your very important client wants to meet at a place you are hugely uncomfortable with. Or if you’re a pilot and all that surround you are those that want to do..activities I’d rather not mention.

You can say no a hundred times, like I have. But one day, there might come a time when saying no is a challenge. There are a lot of things to consider. Your job, your friends, your relationship might all be on the line.

But be that as it may, in the end, you gotta do the right thing. You gotta do what your conscience tells you. You gotta go what God wants you to.

I’m sorry im not the fun, up-for-anything friend you deserve. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it. But I want you to know that I love you that much, that I almost tried.

Some of you might condemn me for putting myself in that position. I take the blame, I do. And sometimes, I condemn myself.

I don’t know, but I hope and pray Im forgiven for this. For being there, and turning around. Because only God knows how difficult it was.

2009-05-11T02:10:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: Details in the fabric- Jason Mraz And James Morrison

"Hold your own, know your name,and go your own way..

And everything will be fine..."

sometimes in life, you meet those that turn your world upside down. it doesn't have to be a bad thing. it could actually be one of the best things that ever happened.

but usually, these things don't last and thats okay( or you have to make it okay). at least for a moment, you were touched by something good. something that alters you so much that you've become a better person today than you were before. something that had a lasting effect on you that even after it's gone, the consequences is this: you will never be the same. You somehow manage to smile anyway, a smile that others say brighten up their day.

it takes strength to having this great, warm presence in your life because surely you'll feel the drop in temperature once its gone. there'll be times when you reflect back on your life and feel nostalgia. I equate it with the feeling of missing (or losing) your twin. Losing the one who knows you best is a gut-wrenching experience, a pain that you'll feel occasionally but try your best not to show. Despite it all, you have to move on with life, though sometimes you still feel it. Something's a little off.

but that doesn't mean you should forget all the lessons you learned and forgo all the changes just because it isn't there anymore. because no matter how much you want to hold on to something sometimes, the best thing to do is to let it go.

still, what was now has become a part of you. let it help you now, and in the future. take it with you. it doesn't have to end badly for you.

and try not to cry, because the silent tears that run down your cheeks won't change a thing.

"do not stand over my grave and cry. I am not there, I did not die." -author unknown

those we love never really leave us. It just takes a little time adapting to your new life. But you can do it, cause God made us strong. God gave us the will to fight and it would be a shame to just fizzle out, ruin the meaning of your existence simply because it's gone. Wallowing in your misery like that helps no one, and it would make everything, the experience of it all pointless. Don't make this all pointless, because it isn't. There's a reason for everything, a good behind every grey cloud and I truly believe in that.

If it ever gets hard, remember what the Prophet said: "Oh Bilal! Give us comfort and call for prayer."

Prayer was the Prophet's joy and pleasure. And in my experience, when talking doesn't cut it, when nothing else would help, He will never fail you. He's the only one that will listen at any time of the day, and give you the relief you seek.

Don't cry. Take that step forward, knowing this is what's good for you. You were meant to live a happy,fulfilling life. It'll be a little scary, leaving behind everything you have grown used and accustomed to. But you'll make new experiences along the way. You'll laugh again till your sides ache. You just have to be brave, not afraid of what's on the oher side.

So walk into the light. Walk into the light, my friend. I know you can do it, because I have. And I'll hold your hand through this. We'll get through this, I promise.

the countdown has begun..

2009-05-07T02:48:00.000-07:00

i've been spending time with the girls lately. doing the same things usually:lunch, laugh, gossip, teasing (im the onen who gets bullied,usually!!) but its good clean fun. we have to do this more often sebab in less than a month, raihan is getting married.

when we were indulging in a banana split at Baskin Robbins (ruining raihan's pre-bride diet hehehe), the girls were making jokes and teasing raihan about her future life and dUtIeS as a wife. But she handles the teasing cooly. She just said she can't be a mommy yet since she's afraid of needles. She'd be afraid of child birth even more. hehe. Klaka..

I dont know how suddenly, the tables turned and I was the one who got teased instead. and you know me, ejek me enough and i'll go speechless. It's not fair when they know I can't handle certain subject matter of jokes. sheesh. My face will be red and hot and I won't know how to fight back! Jahat ar korang ni..

The next day after expanding our waistlines, we expanded them again. This time the venue was: Jalan TAR. It was hot and all but we braved the unforgiving weather and went stor by store. Man tudung there was so cheap! But i just bought one (for rm 10). sigh. I think Im sick or something, I don't shop sgt da. Something or someone did this to me! Like that day I saw a really nice polka dot top (that I could wear to work) form rm 70 but i didnt even buy it! oops im digressing from the topic..going bck to my Jalan TAR trip..

Raihan was looking for a veil and at the bigger stores, they sell them mahal2. Tolong sket. Jalan kat gerai2 then I find an almsost identical veil for a quarter of the price. Pls dont try to rip off your customers. I can still find a bargain and I refuse to be cheated. okay maybe not cheated la but bayarlebih2 buatpe when you can jimat AND still look great, kan?

i of course got hungry early and we ate briyani (i had the kambing hehe). See something is not working with our diet. And Fara isn't a good example, kalau raihan nak Coke Fara will say "go lah get it." Fara! coke is bad. its all sugar. and we're helping the zionists out there, kan lubna kan?

I'm so excited raihan is getting married soon. Can't wait for the big day! But i'm going to miss the hanging out, walking around mindlessly, lying on the same bed talking about silly things. There's no curfew, no husband to run back to. But then again, in the end I really am happy for her and I know she'll be happy with her Abang Ilham, who may drive her nuts sometimes but from where I stand, I can tell he'll treat her so well. He always takes care of her interests. May we all be lucky enough to find an Abang Ilham.

P.S : Raihan, that doesn't mean Abang Ilham isn't lucky tau! You're a great tunang. Stop saying that i'd be a model wife when I think you're the one who's already there :)

Contrary to nadzrah, widaad, fara, nadia, raihan and every one else's incessant teasing, I do not want to get married for those reasons. Marriage is a serious thing. A lifetime commitment and I'll only go through it when I know I can be someone's Khadijah. I haven't mastered cooking yet so how to be Khadijah? hehe. okay2 cuti panjang my family is pressuring me to duduk kat dapur. So I'll learn kay?

But i have to admit one thing: I can't wait to hold hands with my husband. or brush his hair away from his eyes.

NOTE to friends: DO NOT TEASE ME FOR THE ABOVE CONFESSION.

Sekia, terima kasih. hehe

Owh owh! Raihan! the countdown has begunnnn!!!!!

the end has come

2009-05-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

finals are over. results are out. and i survived!

i dont know how to feel. im happy. im sad. im glad. im disappointed because i could have done better. im grateful i got what i got.

its a mixture of everything. im confused. disoriented. where do i go from here? I haven't got any idea..

but there's one thing i know. i miss my friends. dam*it! i miss being able to see them so easily. i miss being irritated by G (hehe u know i love you). i even miss fahed. thats right. thats how bad it is.

but i think (i THINK) i'm ready for a new chapter of my life. im scared as hell honestly because im always doubting my worth and if im cut out for working life. but be that as it may, im going to challenge myself. I have to do this, and I have to do it well. So who cares about the butterflies in my stomach when I think of interviews. I'll suck it up like Im supposed to and talk calmly ( i hope) though i feel like vomiting. let not nerves get the best of me!

i don't know what the world is like out there. I dont know if i'll enjoy it (no afternoon naps, no one to sign for me when cant make it to class, no fooling around. sigh) but I'll do what i have to. Ive met some working ppl, who are so enthusiastic and passionate and dedicated about their work and profession despite the humble salary (and not complain!!) that i am simply in AWE.

I hope i land a job i love so much, that I'd work so hard at it even though the hours are long and the income is..well..not as much as one would wish for.

I hope we all get the lives we want. So come on guys, lets do this! if we can tackle 4 yrs of law school and evil ppl and backbiting and hypocrisy and politics and teachers who hate us for no reason etc, we cn do this.

kan?

give me a reason

2009-03-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

Then you come swimming into view

and im hanging on your words

like i always used to do

the words they use so lightly,

only feel for you

I only know this cause I

Carry you around, in the background..

-3rd eye blind, the background-

In whatever circumstances, in the hardest of times
Even if you keep failing over and over
Even if you keep falling down on the ground
If you give me a reason
I'll stand by you

Even if its hard
Even if im holding back tears
On the coldest of nights
If you give me a reason
I'll stay with you

Even if you dont have two pennies to rub together
Even if i hardly see your face
If you give me a reason
I'll kiss the rain
And I'll hold on to you

Though others don't believe in you
If they start malicious rumours about you
If you give me a reason
I'll stay true
I'll never doubt you

When your temper is short
Because others are testing you
Even if you are irritable
If you give me a reason
I'll stay patient for you

If you think you can't go on
If you're biting your lips to withstand the pain
I'll be your strength
I've you give me a reason
I'll pull you through

If you give me a reason
I'll stay with you, through and through...

*dedicated to the hypothetical person in my heart.

the silly-ness of murni

2009-02-24T07:04:00.000-08:00

That day when adding up how much one person is to contribute towards the dinner, i calculated ever so confidently, 3+3+3=6. hahaha. and then yaya and aliaa were looking at me,a puzzled before they laughed in my face. whtever. SPM was sooo 10 yrs ago. AddMath A1 btw. see how pointless by SPM results were?

I didnt know sia* was a bad word. I thought it meant bad luck. But i knew something was wrong when I said it, and my fren's eyes started to bulge. Like he just witnessed me spitting on someone's grave. That look told me something was wrong. Its a bad word. hee

I said awek that day (which is a word i dnt really use ever. If i have a bf, i hope he refers to me as something else. his buah hati maybe. hahaha. kidding) but then the whole car (fara raihan widaad) started laughing. What what? apparently i mis-pronounced it. its not Aweek. haih.

I always fall down stairs, or fall down when im walking, fall down in front of a crowd, fall down in the moot court masa time exam. If im lucky someone will catch me/support me. If im not, I'll fall on my butt or get a cut here and there. sakit~

I was on the lrt hari tu, and my fren was temaning me to Terminal Putra tp i thought he was getting off at Taman Melati. Me being non-observant, I didnt notice where we were heading and then he suddenly got up and said this is the stop. I looked at him and waved bye2. But he had this weird expression on his face, and told me, this is our stop. Terminal Putra. And here i was still sitting on the chair like an idiot. entah2 if he didnt look back, i would have still been on the train heading somewhere..

i also didnt know what Pu**mak meant. I knew it was a bad word, coz dulu kat sekolah, this chinese guy called Tak Yie always used it. So i thought it was a chinese word. But then i realised it wasnt. It refers to moms! thats so very bad!!! its actually pu** mak. omg. i dnt know how i didnt realise that all along.

Im so naive in certain ways that I dont even know im being lied to. Or when someone is pretending to be something they are not. That someone is buat drama yg hebat for attention but I think its genuine. And what do i do? I say..Go help your friend..go. your friend needs you. And Im left alone, not even minding one bit at that time, all the while failing to see that it wasnt real drama. It was made up. Sheesh. Not smart Murni. Next time, I must use my brain. But i just think this world is good, i guess. and ppl wouldnt stoop to such lowly acts. But im wrong.

I thought I was soo smart so I wanted to use the new bm word i learnd: serenggak. But no on understood what it mean. Apparently, its sengkak. hehe. Patotla tade org yg fhm..

I forgot i was wearing specs that day. So when i got to my room, i opened my contacts case. There was a few drops of water so i threw it out. Then i touched my eyes trying to get the contacts out, but I couldnt feel it in my eye! then i freaked out jap. what if the contacts rolled at the bck of my eye?? takut! rupe2nye i forgot i didnt even wear cntacts hr tu..so that means, i thre my contacts out that was in the case! arrgghhh. br bukak the contacts pulak tu. bazir!

i once made a u turn at a traffic light, but there was oncoming traffic from the other side. I felt that was dangerous but i was sooo sure this was where my fren made a u turn and taught me to u turn kat sini jugak. I knew my fren wouldnt want to kill me. But the other cars were honking mcm marah je. then i asked my fren later, and he said that is the wrong traffic light to u turn. i could have died.

that day, i was using the calculator, and nak bahagi. but i couldnt get the answer! stress sgt. i kept pressing and pressing and marah the calculator for being stupid. then my adik came to help, and then she was like, memang la salah! u pressed % instead of / !! haih. murni murni. its almost as though i never got 8As for my SPM.

hee. thats that! I could go on and on. but lets stop now hehe

its been hell lately

2009-02-20T07:13:00.001-08:00

the weather is so hot. am i the only one that thinks so? i feel like im entering the sauna everytime i step out the door. when i finish class, i feel all gross and icky and cant wait to mandi. fan is on number 5. i know..what a waste of electricity.

And and! I've been studying alot minggu ni and when I feel like its an overload of information/knowledge, I wear I get a headache and feel like vimiting. I want to look for source of entertainment but its kinda scare in UIA. I havent watched American Idol in ages! It's funny la especially the auditions bit. And sometimes, it can get emotional too. Like when a single mom has to leave her kid. Or when someone lived homeless for so long and this is her only chance, she put everything at stake and all her money just to get to the auditions. You know I cant help but tear up when I see something like that. Haih. Murni murni..

I.dont.want.to.study.

Boleh tak? hehe. Espcially the freaking PP assignment! Tell me how is this possible, to expect students to draft conveyencing letters like some pro. I dont even know where to start. penat :(
Work is piling up and I should get cracking coz if not, im gonna pass out doing everything before the deadline.

I just wish I could have a break. One day, or one night to keluar and just have some clean fun. Good conversation and good food. Laugh til my sides ache. I think a fun weekend is what i need to fuel me for the week of horror and work ahead. If you could make me laugh (like I mean it) and smile til my cheeks hurt, I'd owe you bigtime. Coz ur doing a service to humanity. hehe.

Please! No more work! I need some time to chill..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I ask emir to kiss me, he kisses me on the lips. Best! I think thats the best way to be kissed. hehe. Geram la

and i know that i am the luckiest..

2009-02-17T07:12:00.000-08:00

I have gotten some expensive gifts in my life. And I appreciate everything I have been given. But to be honest, the ones I love most, the ones I'd consider as my treasures are usually the gifts that don't cost a thing.

Im often misunderstood and have become the target of much gossip. I've been, for a long time, the focus of ppl's energy to hate and say certain things that sting alot. I try not to care so much, because you cant please everybody. But it does hurt. And it makes me wonder, maybe I am a terrible person. There must be a reason why ppl are the way they are to me. It makes me doubt myself.

But then, my friends do something so kind, so unexpected that I forget, no-not forget, but I dont care anymore about the vicious things ppl say and do. Suddenly, being hated is of no importance when you have friends that would stick with you through thick and thin. That would go through such lengths for you. To the extent that you are left speechless, wondering, what on earth did you ever do to deserve such kindness?

To you guys, I could never express my appreciation enough. When things are hard and bleak, I keep going because I hold on to whats important. You guys are important. You guys are the reason why all the evil and the hate and the malice in this world can't touch me.

Thank you for listening to my cry until 2 am even though we have finals the next day.

Thank you for saying that I am the beamer of all the cars (and meaning it too) even when I know Im not.

Thank you for picking me up in the middle of the night when I was stranded and had nowhere to go and paid for my hotel room(coz i didnt have a place to sleep) and bought my toothbrush so I wouldnt have bad breath the next day.

Thank you for letting me sleep in your room, disturbing you in the morning when you had class and never making me feel pathetic for it.

Thank you for having my back and clearing up the untruths that were being said. Thank you for not telling me the bad news during finals because you knew it would disturb me. Thank you for your sensitivity.

Thank you for helping me with my pc problems and updating my anti-virus and silly things like that, never making me feel likea retard.

Thanks for coming to fix the tyres after coming bck from your open house, even if the tyres you are fixing doesnt belong to me or to your friend. But you were helping me by helping my friend.

Thanks Beb for bearing me when Im moody and crabby and snap at you because you know I cant snap at anyone else. And family sticks together, no matter how bad it gets kan kan. hehe

Thank you for thinking that: "who you want to be is not nearly as important as who you are right now." I never thought I was important or mattered much. Im glad I mean something to you..

Thanks for really wanting to take me, even if you couldn't. The effort means more to me than the actual event.

Thanks for protecting me from what you know would kill me.

Thanks for wanting to send me, for wanting to be here, even when you can't.

Thanks for racing like an F1 driver so I could make it to KLIA to say goodbye.

Thanks for understanding that Its hard for me to go out, and for picking me and sending me all the way and never once complaining. For always providing me with a place to stay.

Thanks for trying so hard to make me smile. Texting me jokes even when I am in no position to reply. Just because you cant bear to see me sad.

Thanks for going all out to find me the pau without the inti just because you know I like it. And you know Im weird but you dont care.

Thank you for making me feel that despite my flaws and imperfections, I am beautiful. I feel that way when Im with you.

Thank you for being my heart and my soul and my shoulder to cry on and my moral compass. For knowing something is wrong even if it doesnt show and no one can see but you. For doing what you can to turn it around. For always being able to turn it around.

Thanks to you for so many things, and so many times, and for putting up with me when I can't even put up with myself, that I dont even know how to write it down. For being my best friend till the very end.

And now..

And in a white sea of eyes,

I see one pair that I recognize

And I know that I

Am the luckiest..

-Ben Folds Five, The Luckiest-

I know now no matter what, I'll be okay. InsyaAllah. Because I have an amazing support team :)

i am so lazy

2009-02-14T02:36:00.000-08:00

i should be studying today. i should be studying right now! next week i have PIL test, Evidence Test, and CP hearing. i havent started on anything. Sigh. I know I know. Im a super lazy bum. I think maybe this is normal for those in their final sem. you just wanna get it over and done with. At least I do. hehe. Penat jugak la sit for tests, finals.

yesterday night i was staying in UIA, and was kinda bored. Nak buat laundry but the washing machines were being used. I kept checking tp ada je org yg guna. I wanted to wash by hand tp nak rendam bj jap dulu but my baldi was stolen :( Then raiha dtg bilik around 11 something and we watched OC season one. Summer is super the comel. And there was this one episode that Paris Hilton made an appearance. She saw Summer and said "La Chicks are SO LAME." Summer was like, "I'm from Orange County!" And Paris responded, "Orange County? EEUUUW!" Hahaha. It was super funny.

But okay I have to rant kejap. Marissa is sooo annoying okay. Tak cantik pun. Kurus je lebih. but that's fine. what annoys me is the fact that she is so whiny. Skit skit nak ryan save her. she cant do anything herself. truly, its embarassing to watch her because she is embarassing women in general. Like we are this spineless, helpess creatures that would die if ryan didnt come running every few seconds to save us and clean our mess.

Im not a feminist or anything. I am not a superwoman either. I recognise that women are generally physically weaker. I think the two sexes compliment each other. But I think we women were created with many strengths. We dont have to cry to a guy or start popping pills and getting sent to hospitals. Haih. Marissa Marissa~

Hehe. I got it out of my system. Lega!

Okay maybe I should study now. or mandi. yeah mandi lah. then makan malam!

...

2009-02-13T06:19:00.000-08:00

Someone wise said..

"You know that saying about how sometimes we look so long and regretfully at closed doors that we don’t see the ones that are open for us? I can see the open doors."

I think I can finally see the open doors, too. And I want to go through that open door. Im tired of the piercing cold. Im scared but nevertheless Im gingerly putting a foot forward. I hope the grass is greener. I hope there's someone to take my hand coz I'm trying to walk out of here. I have to.

"The space between our wicked lies is where we hope to keep us safe from pain. Take my hand coz we are walking out of here. Right out of here. Love is all we need, dear.."

-The Space Between, Dave Matthews Band-

I hope I can walk through that door.

Look what Mr. BAHA made me write..

2009-02-07T05:43:00.000-08:00

I was among the (many) people in this world that followed closely the tragedies that had occurred in Mumbai. I watched, appalled and horrified to see the acts done which inevitable lead to many senseless deaths. I have to admit that I became emotional as I watched and read the news- the emotions ranged from shock to anger to sadness and despair. I was quick to curse these men and hopefully wished that they receive what they deserve- punishment in this world and the Hereafter.

Though I was an emotional observer of the tragedies, what impressed me most about this article was the fact that I felt the writer had managed to make me view things objectively. Before, I had entirely forgotten the fact that I read law. I forgot about the basic rule of law; that it was the basic right of everyone to have legal representation. I just wanted their blood. To hell with the legal process (pardon my language).

However, V. Venkatesan managed to open my eyes and realise that it is more important now, more than ever, that Kasab ‘The Monster’ has the right to legal representation. I realised that because of the atrocities that occurred, people became blinded and there was even a departure from the rule of law we lawyers have so proudly and staunchly uphely by the Bombay Metropolitan Magistrate Court Bar Association when they declared that none of their members would defend Kasab in court. That surprised me. Though I am a law student and should be objective, its easier and more understandable for the likes of me to be swayed by my feelings but The Bombay Bar Association, too? The writer then made me see that this was highly unprofessional.

And Majid Memon (the Sr Mumbai Lawyer) stated he hesitates to defend Kasab as the world has seen him committing the crime and his guilt is beyond a shadow of a doubt. It made me think, does he only defend those he thinks he can acquit? A lawyer of such repute, saying such things made me doubt his sincerity in doing his job.

My course mate then pointed out that the writer quoted Wikipidia as a source in his article. We then realised this was a little funny, as our lecturers in IIUM would scoff at us if Wikipedia was quoted in our assignments. We’d definitely get less marks for our ‘unlegal’ choice of sources and materials.

That aside, I don’t deny that I still think Kasab should perish in the Hell-fire if he did do these things. But the writer made me see that though Kasab’s guilt is highly probable (or is it possible? My mom would knew the distinction better), it is imperative that he still be treated like everyone else and be afforded his own lawyer. If in this case, we lawyers made an exception, it would open the floodgates to this kind of thing and one day, I wouldn’t be surprised that it would be accepted that lawyers not represent a man simply because they were ‘assured’ of his guilt. Sadam Hussein, who was hated by most of the citizens of the world still got a lawyer. And If Bush went to trial for his many evil acts which we all know he caused, he would most definitely receive the best legal representation. So what makes Kasab any different? So thanks to Mr Baha for making us read this article and to the writer- for actually making me see.

watching the news is hard

2009-01-27T05:25:00.000-08:00

it really is. and now i know why. i (without thinking) put myself in the shoes of whomever it is I am watching or reading about.

I was watching Al-Jazeera, and they were doing a special on the Gaza issue. A mom was being interviewed, and she was talking about how she just quit her job at an NGO because that day, on her way to work after dropping her 3 kids to school, she heard on the news that 3 kids were 'accidentally' shot when the were heading to class. She immediately thought of her kids and whether they were alive or not, if it was them or not.

Thankfully, her kids were safe but she quit her job, because she couldnt deal with work and worry about her childrens safety constantly. She said she went crazy, sitting at the desk but every second wondering, are they alive are they alive? She couldnt do it and had to be with her kids all the time from then on.

My eyes immediately started to water. I imagined how it would be for me, if I was a mother, living in a war-torn country. How would it be like for me if it was my children, my baby that was in constant danger? Could I handle it? Would I go crazy with worry?

I knew the answer to that. I couldnt live with always not knowing whether they were fine, obsessing if they'd be the next victim, worrying whether they'd make it through the day. What if it was my baby that died? What if I couldnt smell their sweet baby smell anymore? What if i never got to say goodbye?

I know its silly to worry about things that have yet to come. But I cant help but think about it, feel it, breathe someone else's pain when I read and see images of it. Its so vivid and so real that for a moment, I forget that it isn't me and Im okay.

I think im so weak that way. I hate that I cry when I see things like that and I wish, I wish so bad that I could be a little less attached. I wish I could be like others and just care about the cause and give money and talk about the issue and not get lumps in my throat that make it hard to breathe.

I gotta get used to the fact that this world is hard. Times are hard and ppl die everyday. I know that, in theory, but it still hurts to read and see it.

I dont want to have tears in my eyes each time. I think I need to grow up...

the odd puzzle piece

2009-01-25T05:34:00.000-08:00

Most of you know by now that I get teased by some of my modern friends for being rural and close minded and 'org tua' . This doesnt bother me so much, honestly.

But what most dont know is, I get snubbed by some of the budak baiks too.

The odd puzzle piece.

that's how i feel. I dont truly fit in this category or that. Im not the typical bandar girl, nor am I a typical budak baik yg dr sekolah agama. Sometimes in this society where ppl go by categorization, I dont know where I fit in. Sometimes, I feel lost.

To be honest, I sometimes wish I could fit in the category of the typical budak baik. the one that is exempted in Tilawah, the one that sits at the kitchen and can cook malay food just like their moms, the one that you darent even look at because you feel so segan as you're not good enough to even be her acquaintance.

I admire those that are better than so much. I wish I could be like that. Fit that mould. Then maybe I wouldnt have to work so hard to try and prove ppl wrong.

Sometimes I wish I was different that I am. But then, something happens that makes me think.

Today, my friend told me as we were talking, that he said:

"You ni mcm gadis kg jugak la. Kan?"

I wanted to laugh. I thought, he truly must be sarcastic ni. I replied, "You buat lawak ke? I tau la I ni tak 'melayu' sgt mcm org lain. Ape na buat, I am the way that I am."

He shook his head and said, "I tak joking-lah. Walaupun you dari bandar and nampak mcm perempuan moden, tapi cara you cakap, cara you bawak diri, your adab..sama mcm gadis kempung. Its just people dont notice. But I notice. Sbb I prihatin."

I knew he was praising himself in the last bit of what he said, but I didnt notice or roll my eyes at his perasan-ness. I was touched, so I just sat there for a second, not knowing what to say. I dont really believe all that he says is true. But it touches me, that he thinks so. That he thinks I am more than what I appear to be.

And the best part is: I know he is sincere. No udang di sebalik batu or trying to mengorat me. He meant it.

Thank you, old friend, for never making me feel like I have to apologise for being who I am, for not belittling my malay, for not humbling me because I dont read the Quran as well as you do. For never making me feel awkward or small.

You remind me, make me feel like being the odd puzzle piece is not a bad thing. So thank you..

2009-01-19T21:41:00.000-08:00

I've made peace with the trials in my life
I've come to terms with knowing it won't always be easy.
Admist it all, I've been happy.

I KNOW, and I'm doing what I can
The best I can
For you, for them, for those I dont even know
Because I love all of them
More than I love me

Im trying to be strong. To hold on.
To never give up on my Utopia.
I want to believe I'll reach my Utopia, no matter what the odds.
I want to believe.

But my optimism crumbles with your careless words
I dont want to break down just to be heard
I dont want to share my life story, just to gain your empathy
I just wish you could attempt to understand me, as I understand you
Like I always do.

Because behind this smile, I feel fear, just like you
Behind this laughter, I feel pain, just like you
As I am human, too...

10/01/09

2009-01-10T04:13:00.000-08:00

I am ashamed but honest enough to admit that I am not the most learned of people, especially when it comes to world issues, politics and things like that. I know the very basics of what is going on in Palestine. Sometimes I feel really embarrassed because Im not able to really discuss and debate abt the Israel-Palestine issue convincingly. So I went to the Aman Paletine demonstration held at Stadium Melawati in Shah Alam today. So I could hopefully gain some insight and education.

I know you dont learn everything overnight (or in one rally, to be more precise) but I have to start somewhere. Buy books, read the leaflets, give the little money that I have, boycott the products that I should. (I can live w/out coke but i like McD's prosperity burger so VERY much..how?) But I dont know if my efforts will be enough. I can only pray that it helps, in any way.

As ignorant as I am, here's one thing I know: among the reasons why its so hard for us to really stand up against the oppression and unfairness the West subjugates Muslims to is the fact that we simply aren't united enough.

For example, K As was talking to her friend after the rally, walking to the car. And this guy reprimanded her for speaking english, TOLD HER NOT TO. According to him, her speaking in a language that is not 'our own' is similar to worshipping the ground of the evil West.

Seriously? How ridiculous and small minded and 'village' can you get? Firstly, she was talking to her friend, a private conversation not meant for him to pry and hear. If she were talking to omeone else, someone more comfortable speaking in Malay, that'll be the language she's adopt. We were raised well-adapt to different situations and ppl. Secondly, just because she was speaking english, doesnt mean she is any less malay or islamic.

Stupid Hick. (pardon my language but that is the most accurate way to describe someone of such intelligence) Is it not enough that we are all gathered here together, supporting the same cause? Giving our time and or money and trying to do our part for our brothers and sisters in Islam? Does it really matter what we wear or what is the colour of of skin or what language we choose to speak?

If it was me, I'd have gotten pissed (but in a controlled, gritting through my teeth kinda way). I'd have said "Jgn ckp byk boleh tak. Entah2 akhlak saya lebih islamic drp awak, despite my ability to speak grammatically correct english thank you very much." or maybe "Are you so insecure that you think speaking a little english will make you lose your sense of self? It just shows what kind of person you are. How sad." Or.."Your small-mindedness and inability to accecpt those that are differnt from you is the reason why we won't win this war, brother."

Fighting amongst ourselves. Making trivial issues a reason to start a civil war. Bringing each other down in the fight to achieve power. It's so sad, really. We should all just stop the stupidity and the bickering and stand together. It isnt impossible to end this war. But it will be impossible if we let little misunderstandings get in our way. If that's how we wanna be, then its pointless really to cry for the tragedies that occur, because in some way, we don't do what we can to stop it. Its so sad, how We let ourselves, our disunity get in the way.

BUT we shouldnt.

Emir the mentoot-est of them all

2009-01-03T19:33:00.000-08:00

Look at the mentoot-est baby:

I do enjoy bullying him; his reaction is just priceless. He either shrieks or laughs or cries. Everything he does is amusing (except when he makes a mess in my room and ransacks my wardrobe and tdg cabinet-sheeesh! kena kemas balik..)

When I go home, before anything Im already running out the door, cant wait to dukung the baby and giit him and smell him and cubit his butt and pipi and..it goes on and on. He's not even my baby but already I love like like crazy. When he looks like he's about to fall my heart beats really fast and I scream in shock if he stumbles because im worried he might hurt himself. Lari2 kat dia, tp dia ta sakit pun. Senyum je. He picks himself up and starts running (or waddling) again.

Emir. The first grandchild. The firstborn. The first nephew. There are too many emotions to describe the pleasure and happiness he bring to our lives. How we run to him when we're downstairs and he's crying in his crib upstairs, sbb br bgn..we run so fast that I stumbled and fell down the stairs. Mcm la urgent sangat..emir's just in the crib. He aint going anywhere. Sakit je jatuh..And! I do stuff thata long time ago, I thought was really gross. If he vomits on me, ruins my new baju, it doesnt even matter sgt. And when he decides he doesnt want to eat, he just pushes out food from his mouth (unchewed-maybe dia malas na mkn tetibe) and i just eat it. Its not gross to me.

But it isnt easy (espeially the smelly diaper part). You cant read newspapers coz the baby'll grab it and tear it and stuff the pieces into his mouth. U cnt really watch tv coz the baby'll be running around and u have to chase him coz takut nanti dia bang his head on somemthing and hurt himself. And ur dukung-ing him for what seems like ages, singing until you hilang suara, he almost falls asleep tapi tetibe bgn balik and starts crying to no end..thats when i get exhausted and give him to his mommy.

I really admire mothers, their commitment towards their child. How they come home late at night after a tiring day of work, but immediately go to their son, breastfeed him, bathe hm, entertain him, put him to sleep. In between a mother must find time to bathe jgk, to eat, to layan her husband, to do her office work AND housework. There is practically no time for rest. I dont know how they do it.

I guess when you have your own child, you just DO it. Sacrificing yourself for your child becomes an instict. you dont think about the pain or the lack of sleep or the fact that now you hve no control over your heart, coz your babyis your heart and its running outside your body. If your child is gone your heart is gone and everything is gone and your world becomes almost nothing at all.

Takutnya. But its a good kind of scared. A kind of sweet pain that you wouldnt trade for anything else. I can see that everything is worth it. when you have a baby, nothing else matters.

Babies change your life. They really do. This baby isn't mine, but he might as well be. He really is the apple of my eye.

updates

2009-01-03T01:36:00.000-08:00

The beginning of my last sem started out great. Really, I thank Allah all the time for granting me such little pleasures. Pleasures that some would take for granted, but I have grown to really cherish. Its the little things that we dont notice, like a place to rest your head. A place to go where you cn just be undisturbed and lie down listening to songs on your ipod, and let the feeling of stress disappear. There's really nothing like it.

And! I got to see my friends whom I havent seen in what seems like a long time (pdahal arond 4 weeks je tak jumpe. hehe) and so i decided to keluar and just hang out and catch up sementara tutorials belum bermula and the craziness hasnt started. Sometimes I admit, its hard to be treated like Im wearing the 'scarlet letter' but then I sit back and thank the heavens that I've ot what many dont have: friends that stick no matter what. Those that support you when you've achieved success and have your back when you're at an all-time low. Friends that tell you you're pretty and great when you know that you're not. Friends that know when you're crying even when you dont say a word. Talking abt frens make me miss Yaya a bit. But she's coming back tomorrow so.. :)
But byk cuti the first two weeks of class ni, so I havent felt the momentum yet. It'll come though, I know..then I'll wish the holidays were here again. hehe. Ni la manusia..ta reti bersyukur. hehe. Im meeting my lecturers, asking their advice as to what I should do for my future. I think Im decided: I'll do my chambering so I can be called to the Bar and hopefully be a qualified lawyer. During my chambering, I'll do research on my masters and apply, so that once the 9 months is done, I can further my studies..and be a lecturer someday. I hope a Uni will employ me, Im kinda a good teacher hehe. Well, thats what my friends say but then again maybe they just mengampu me coz they're trying to be nice. Jgnla guys..i appreciate honestly!
And and! I watched a malay movies in the cinema called: Histeria. Pasal jin and kena kacau and all. I wasnt freaked out sgt, because I try to live my life not thinking too much about jins and ghosts, etc. I know makhluk halus exists, but I dont want to be so preoccupied thinking about them and freak myself out unnecessarily. But it was fun, honestly. Esp because my friends were screaming alot until other audiences laughed. hehe. Tapi murni tak takut. Fara je takut. hehehehe

And! i've been exercising even though sem has started! that is a huuge accomplishment for me cos usually i exercise when its the hols and when sem starts Im like, giving excuses that im busy to exercise. now, im making an effort to keep a healthy and balanced lifestyle. Makan oats, wholewheat bread, yoghurt, tempe..all the things i used to detest! and i hope i can keep u the exercises.

Im making a real attempt to read the newspapers, and be more informed. I dont want to be ignorant, like katak di bwh tempurung. But as always, me being the soft hearted person that I am, I cried when I read about the Isreali attacks. Its frustrating how unfair the whole situation is. I dont know much about the history and there are some details i dont understand tho, so I'd have to refer to Lutfi or Lubna later so they cn properly educate me. But Im trying, really hard because I know its important to keep updated with whats going on. And how can I help others or write well when what I knw is so limited?

My new years resolution list is going okay so far. Im really nice to my roomates who are babies, really. jrs. I give them lifts whenever i have the car or buy food or give my books. Its small gestures but I havent been around much the two weeks sbb ta byk kelas. And I tried to bridge the gap between two ppl, even though these two ppl hurt me alot. I dont know if it'll work, but at least I tried my best to help them resolve their differences. Sometimes you do things, even things at your own expense or things that hurt you, for the smile on the face of those you love and care about. i hope they'll be happy..its such a shame not to be. Its a shame not to see how lucky you are and how well you're being treated. Dont wait for Allah to take it away from you, coz then it'll be too late to appreciate it.

I think my jawi handwriting is just terrible. But sometimes a friend can motivate you to better yourself without even saying that much or without making you feel like you are completely retarded. Just the support and encouragement and faith that I can do it, motivates me. I hope you know that your motivation helps me alot. I want to be the person you think think I could be.

And this is quite insignificant, but Im working on updating my ipod yg da outdated ni. hehehe.

That's all for now! Pray that I wont be so bogged dwn with work when the week starts k?

My New Year's resolution

2008-12-28T04:45:00.000-08:00

Usually, i dont have new year's resolution. I have a ramadhan resolution. But then again, I thought, theres nothing wrong and certainly no harm in having more than one. It kinda reminds me where I have to go, what I have to achieve, what I've got to work for.

So now im posting it on my blog. So you guys can ask me once in a while how im doing with my list. And if i'm not doing it, your asking will probably push/pressure/motivate me to get back to what I wanted to do.

1. I have to learn to be computer savvy (n not depend on Beb, Yaya, Azlan to update my antivirus, etc. Hee. thats how lame I am!)

2. Read Quran and pray Hajat more consistently, not just when Im going through a rough time

3. Do thorough research and not be pessimistic (ie keep telling myself i wont get that scholarship-think positive, Murn!) about doing my masters overseas, possibly in the UK or Australia.

4. Practice random acts of kindness everyday. From a heartfelt hi to a stranger and opening the door for them or giving kuih pandan to the lady that cleans the corridors and empties the trash at our Mahallah. (Sian tau I saw her rummaging through the trash, trying to save what others threw. So masa cuti i emptied out my closet and put my unworn handbags+shoes in a bag and left it at where she is. I made sure I wasnt seen sbb I was embarrassed and what would i say if she saw me? I put a sign on the bag, 'TO BE TAKEN BY ANYONE THAT WANTS IT'. I think she'd be happy with what I left, they're still in good condition. At least this way someone is wearing them, and im not membazir-ing kan?)

5. Hafal more ayat Quran and Hadith (the ones I remember now arent that many. So i usually resort to writing them down in my book that I carry everywhere in my handbag)

6. Write my novel more consistenly. Macam takkan habis2 je when I keep editing and editing and think that what I write isnt good enough. Just get it done first, murni! Worry and correct later..

7. Read the newspapers more often, especially the world news section. General knowledge is important, and just because I usually cry when I read the evil things ppl do, doesnt mean I should let that stop me from reading the news. Toughen up, Murni. Ppl will always do bad things. You gotta learn to accept. Nampak gambar org miskin nanges, tgk Oprah nanges..mcm mana ni? Haih. Murni murni...

8. Drive to places I dont know more often, ie KL. Even though its scary to get lost while driving, I shouldnt let that deter me. Getting lost is a way of learning, Yaya tells me. But if I happen to get lost for an hour pusing2 and still cnt find my way, then I can foresee calling someone and almost crying, saying.."I'm lost..I dont know where I am" hehehe. It hasnt happened yet and Hopefully that wont happen.

9. Eat healthily. Live healthily. Take care of the environment. I have lessend my use of plastic bags and just chuck everything in my handbag until it looks like it'll tear at the sides. I try to use less water. I try to not switch on the aircon. I take public transport (bcos i have to snanye, i really want a car hehehe). I scold my frens who litter and put their trash in my bag so I can dispose of it later.

10. Do something great with my life. Do something I can see, I can hold, I can be proud of. Like have some of my writings published. Win some kind of big competition. Hold an event at a larger scale, for a larger demographic. Translate my ideas in my head onto paper (or newspaper or magazine, you get the idea kan) for ppl to read. Something bigger and better than the pitiful achievements I have made so far. Insya Allah..

As you can see, I have left out cooking. hehehe. Yes, you may judge me. I suppose some may say I am not a true woman if i dont want to cook. But that isnt really the case. i just dont feel like cooking YET. Lets say i never marry, id be content making macaroni and cheese, scrambled eggs, hotdogs, bubur, sardines and rice, telur masak kicap, makan roti dgn butter etc setiap hari. Im easy to please. Whatever is easy and fuss free works for me. I dont even mind if the food is cold, straight from the fridge. I know its bad. My sister says I dont care about myself. Maybe that's true. I really dont mind what I eat.

But that'll change when I meet someone. Then i'll ask him to list down 20 of his favourite dishes and try to do that dulu. I'd probably suck the first few attempts, but im a fighter. I'll do it until I get it right (from the help of Ibuk of course!) so I dont worry much that Im lame in the kitchen as of right now. It'll change one day. hehe..

At least I can bake. At least that's something kan? hehe. Im so lame. i know, and I admit it!

So guys, I wanna wish you Selamat Tahun Baru (even though I have never celebrated it so far) and may all your dreams for the new year come true. Lets have a drama free year, where we all get along and not backbite and think the best of one another. Its not impossible, it really isnt :)

Finding my place in this world

2008-12-27T04:04:00.000-08:00

Without a doubt, the greatest man that has ever lived is the Prophet Muhammaed SAW.

Even after leaving this earth, he has left an impact that can be forever felt. Nothing has been the same. He brought with him Islam, enlightenment in a land that was dark and cruel, and changed the world as we know it. Those are shoes that can't be filled.

Scholars and academicians and educators and the like have come and gone. There were many that did their best to spread the message of Islam. Its a big responsibilty, especially in this day and age where ppl are getting lost and in desperate need of guidance more than ever. A long time ago, ppl had a sense of morality. Even if we were from different religions, we generally shared the same values. Incest, homosexuality, etc were morally wrong. But now, what was abhored then is seemed as natural and some go to the extent of calling it 'human rights'.

Its sad, really, that morality and values have deteriorated to this extent. Im really proud and admire the efforts my dad is doing. He goes to different countries and gives lectures without receiving payment, all in the name of spreading Islam and correcting the minds of the ppl who have long misunderstood their religion. Not many ppl can be so sincere, travel here and here, spend energy and time away from family just to teach, to educate, etc and expect nothing in return.

When I see my father deliver his lectures, I am in awe of how much he knows, and how he commands the attention of everyone in the room. He has influence ppl, motivated them, brought them closer to Islam from a single chance meeting on an aeroplane ride.

I am acutely aware that I am nowhere near as good as he is. And the thought depressed me alot at first. Especially since some ppl just judge me and say whatever that they want. Maybe I dont look like a typical bookworm. Maybe I dont look like a philosophers daughter. Whatever the reasons, I find myself the subject of endless criticism.

But it doesnt sadden me anymore. I realised that I dont have to be exactly like him, in order to make a difference. There are many ways a person can change the world. God bless my father for being a great philosopher, but I think I have a different path..

Dr Baharudin (my criminal law lecturer) told me something I cant forget. He told me that he thinks I have a flair for writing. And he noticed that I was a brilliant student (ni im not sure if he is correct in his observation) and I had a fighter spirit in me. He thinks that without a doubt, I would make an even greater lecturer than he is.

I didnt know what to say, really. I was speechless. For one thing, he doesnt compliment easily. And another thing, for him to have such faith in me when I hardly have faith in myself almost brought me to tears. I never thought I did much, because I wasnt program manager, I wasnt president of any society, etc. I didnt think what I did mattered much. But I dont think that way anymore. Or at least, Im trying not no think that way anymore.

I try my best to help others. To help my friends that struggle with personal problems. To help ppl understand their subjects and ease their anxiety before they sit for finals. To be there for ppl whenever they need me. To answer their questions the best I can and give them a shoulder to cry on.

It makes me happy when my friends tell me that I've helped them to pray and learn to respect their parents..that strangers come to me and say that I inspire them to wear the hijab..that some have left their habits of maksiat and are trying the better path..that I've helped them have faith in themselves and motivated them to study when they have never cared much abt education and failed countless times before..

Im so flawed and imperfect. I didnt come from a religious school. I dont know much arabic (or any arabic hehe). And I make so many mistakes in this life of mine. I think Iv said this before: Im not sure if Im worthy of God's heaven, but I want to be.

So for me to learn that I help in any way, surprises me and at the same time, means the world to me. I guess Im not as worthless as I had thought after all...

I think thats what Im meant to do. To teach. To help. To guide in any way I can.

Maybe I'll be a lecturer. Maybe I'll write novels taht help the West understand Islam a lil better. Maybe I'll be a motivator for troubled youth and be of some influence to them. I dont know exactly what I'll end up doing, but if it goes along the lines of what Ive written above, then I know I've achieved my purpose..

I dont care anymore of what others may say. Just because I dont look the part, just because I havent memorised the Quran or read the entire works of Al-Ghazali doesnt make me a useless Muslim. I have accepted that I may never reach the greatness my father or others have achieved, but I shouldnt beat myself up about it.

In the Quran, it says "Certainly, your efforts and deeds are diverse [different in aims and purposes]"

We were all created differenly, with different talents. I may not change the world, but if I could help one person, if I could somehow make someone's life better and bring them closer to the right path, I will not have lived in vain.

Getting tagged- again

2008-11-30T06:18:00.000-08:00

Najia tagged me ages ago. But since moving her blog, I couldnt find her new address until now. So, here goes:

1.How old are you?
I am still young, I think. 22. But then again, my mom got pregnant with her first child aroundthis age. Scary tak.

2. Are you single?
Yes, folks I am.

3. In what age do you think you’ll get married?
I hope I'll be married by the time Im 26.

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?
I hope not! Coz most of the time, Im with Beb hehe

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
My best friend

6. Do you want a garden/beach wedding, or the traditional wedding?
A garden or beach wedding sounds lovely. But i dont think its practical. So id go for a traditional malay wedding, minus the bersanding is possible.

7. Your ideal motif?
Im not sure yet. Hehe. I havent planned every detail of my upcoming wedding. But it would be nice to have fairy lights. Pretty~

8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?
I dont want to burn a hole through my husband's wallet. So I wouldnt mind if it was in Msia. Pangkor Laut Resort ke. If budget is tight, then Id go to Frasers Hill ke. Rent an old cottage, where the two of us can just relax.

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite?
Thats up to ibuk and ayah. But id prefer a small wedding.

10. Do you want an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding?
Simple. Definitely. The whole Maui-Ikin/ Siti-Datuk K is sooo over.

11. Do you want the traditional vows or something you’d make up on your own??
Id make my own. It comes from the heart. Id probably move my husband to tears, even if he isnt the type to cry hehe

12. How many layers of cake do you want to have?
This sounds like a mat salleh-ish wedding. I dont care if theres cake. Gimme a fruit basket instead! Manggis..durian..rambutan..mangga..hehe

13. Do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or at a simple place?
My house. But if it cant accomodate ppl sgt, then the dewan in Putrajaya is fine..

14. When do you want to get married, evening or morning?
Morning. Kalau malam, penat la. Mesti tetido straight away without even looking at my husband. ZzZZ...

15. You’d rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?
Indoors. LIke Ely said, can’t trust the crazy Malaysian weather.

16. Do you like a grand entrance for your groom/bride?
I like the kompang thingy. I always thought that was nice..

18. Name the song/tune you’d like played at your wedding??
Not a day too soon, by Sia. Its so sweet! it goes like this "I've been waiting all my life..you're not a day too soon." Awww..

19. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Morning person..kot. hehe

20. Do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?
Who has ever heard of a solemn wedding ceremony?

21. What age do you want to get married?
Like I said earlier, latest 26 i hope. hehe

22. Describe your ideal husband/wife.
Someone who gets me. Someone who can lead prayer and answer my questions or at least have a discussion with me. Someone I can talk with and makes me feel happy and content before I go to sleep at night. Someone who would get me paru when Im having my cravings. Someone who makes me laugh when I feel like crying. My better half. My best friend.

23. Do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?
Normal je. I dont like this over the top things.

24. champagne or red wine?
Air kelapa! hehe

25. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
Days after kot. Kenala mingle with my inlaws dulu..settle in my new role in their family..and let him get acquainted with my family

26. Money or household item?
money! then I can buy what we really need

27. Who will pay for the bills?
Um..I think Islam says the man should pay kan? But in the early stages, I dont mind helping out at all.

28. Are you ready for married life?
Yes. Except the cooking part. hee

29. Do u think you will still be a virgin until u get married?
Well DUH

30. Will u always be true to your wife/husband
No doubt about it. Im insanely loyal

31. How many kids do u like?
4. The eldest will be a boy, to take care of his your siblings. The youngest is a baby girl. I'll put her in cute, sweet dresses from Somerset Bay. hehe. And she'll have long luscious curls ;)

32. A new house for a newly wed or an old one?
I'll be grateful for any kind of house!

33. Will u celebrate silver wedding, gold wedding, or diamond wedding?
No need la. Bazir duit je. Might as well save for my kid's future.

34. What kind of cuisine would u like for ur wedding?
Malay food. Nasi beriani gam. sdp!

35. Will u record ur honeymoon in a cd or dvd?
DVD, if I can get it for cheap hehe

the fatwa on yoga

2008-11-29T18:02:00.000-08:00

Initially, when I read about the ban prohibiting yoga issued by the National Fatwa Committee, I thought it was absurd. I know Im not a mujtahid (I didnt even come from Sekolah Agama) but I know one thing, yoga shouldnt be banned based on the alleged justifications that was given. I mean, inappropriate physical movements? Whats wrong with yoga if its done in the privacy of your own home or in an all-female environment? And if its because of inappropriate physical movements, then aerobics, gymnastics and the like should be haram too.

And yoga that is being taught in gyms these days have nothing to do with religious elements at all now. Maybe then, a long time ago before globalization and all, yoga was only associated with hinduism but now that is no longer the case. The haram part only comes in when wht we practise is that of another religion. But if things have changed, transformed, metamorphosized into another practice where the yoga of today is simply a form of exercise and stretching, I dont see the harm in that at all.

Same goes to adat bersanding. Initially it derived from Hindu influence. But today, almost everyone does it (though Id prefer not to) and it has become a custom. How come the Fatwa Committee never made an issue about this? Is it because Malays have accepted this as tradition and dont wish to part with it, that make the Committee not issue a fatwa on this?

Another example: Generally, it is haram to for the opposite sexes to dress resembling the other. If that is strictly applied, women cant wear pants, slacks, blazers as they were men's dressing initially. But that ruling wouldnt make sense would it? For today, if women were to wear pants and suits, it wouldnt raise an eyebrow and they wouldnt necessarily resemble men so there's no prohibition in that. Just like men wearing skirts. Generally, that would be prohibited. But in New Zealand or Scotland, skirts are part of men's traditional costume and that wouldnt be haram, coz it doesnt resemble that of females, kan?

Later, two days after the fatwa was issued, it was CLARIFIED: that yoga is only prohibited IF it is done following hindu religious teachings, ie religious chantings and matras. That makes sense and appeals to logic. But the damage was done, everyone who read the papers now think that Islam is a narrow, uncompromising religion.

Im bot blaming the Fatwa Committee,really. However, It is their responsibility to make sure they come up with proper, logical justifications before issuing a ruling coz if they dont do this and simply declare something is haram, etc it'll lead to a lot of misunderstanding like now. Ppl think the Fatwa Committee declared yoga PER SE is haram when that wasnt what they meant. Its only yoga practiced with religious elements in it thats haram. The public are educated and think alot and have a lot of questions. Its simply not enough to declare this and that without providing proper reasons WHY IT SHOULD BE.

But, I wonder what is the intention of The Star and other newspapers, when they make this issue front page news? Really, could The Star find the rulings of the Fatwa Committee so newsworthy until its the first page headlines? I suspect that they do not have good intentions. Since when do they editors care about matters affecting our religion, especially when it doesnt affect them?

I can only assume (but making an educated assumption here) that the fatwa on yoga was so highlighted, put in the spotlight with the intention of making Islam look like a rigid, strict, unflexible religion, which it is not. The news was reported in such a way that was very misleading. This is what i call 'selective reporting', where whats reported is done in such a way to give off a certain image or representation, which is not necessarily the truth.

Saje je. Twisting and turning and manipulating words to make it sound like what it isnt. Now, so many articles are critisizing not only the yoga ban, but critisizing the fact that Islam is backward and unfair and a step in the dark ages.

Its frustrating, really, how they project our religion to seem like all those things. But then again, I dont think we should be so apologetic (which our Prime Minister seemed to be) to non-Muslims (I mean this in no disrespect). We muslims seem so scared of what people will say that we issue statements that sound like excuses or apologies when we shouldnt. We should defend our ground and what Islam stands for with our HEAD HELD HIGH.

We shouldnt let ppl push us around and let them represent Islam in a way that Islam isnt. Thats why it frustrates me when the term Islam Hadhari is improperly used (as in misinterpreted by the media). It is often quoted as 'the moderate form of Islam which Malaysia practices', giving the IMPRESSION that our Prime Minister has come up with a new brand of Islam, a more tolerant version. Seriously, this is just crap (pardon my language). That isnt what Islam hadhari REALLY means.

Malaysia didnt create a moderate, modern form of Islam. Islam IS moderate and modern. It only seems unfair, narrow, and bckward because some extreme ppl have interpreted the laws to be that way. But Islam itself is not that way.

But we allow ppl to think that Msia has come up with a better form of Islam, the moderate form of Islam as this concept would appeal to the West and Non-Muslims in general. We want to bring them in, seek their approval so much so that we let them believe the true Islam is not modern and moderate..that we have to come up with a better version. Seriously..its just crap.

Islam is a flexible religion. It allows for change and growth and development. Theres no such thing as a 'moderate form' of our religion. It has always been, and always will be moderate.

Muslims of today shouldnt cower and try so hard to win over others this way, until we forgo our own principles. In the quran it says. "The truth stands clear from error". The Prophet never had to make special allowances to win over believers. Islam is the religion of truth and history has shown that no matter wht, the persecution that ppl might get, even after the whole Sept 11 thing, Islam is still the fastest growing religion. Despite the image that the West is trying to project, that Islam=Terrorism, the truth stands clear from error and one day, people will know.

Please, as muslims, dont be apologetic about your faith. When coming across ppl who question your beliefs or Islam, stand tall and intellectually debate your answer. Your logic (grounded upon the principles of Shariah of course) will without a doubt win them over, trust me. If it doesnt win them over to Islam, at least they will stand to respect you, your views and your faith.

Dont apologize for being a Muslim. Be proud.

I am. No matter what the media tries to portray, I am still and always will be, proud to be a Muslim.

feeling happy

2008-11-29T04:41:00.000-08:00

I did it! I played bowling dgn jayanya! hehehehehehe

Ceh, mcm hebat sgt snanye. It was only 60 points but heck, I am proud of myself! I am not a very sporty person..but I try most things once. I make jokes abt how terrible I am at sports, have a laugh about it, but usually my friends know now NOT to push me to play bowling (coz Id make a sad, puppy dog face and coz on the one occasion I tried, I scored ZERO! thats right ppl. just terrible..)

The ones that came early. Im always on time, even tho i try to be late!

But kali ni, I give in, I said okay I'll play since it'll be just us girls I wouldnt be so shy. And its early in the morning so there arent that many ppl and I wont feel pressured. hehe. So I went, expecting to score nothing but being okay even if i did score nothing.

Lo and behold, I got 60. Wah! this is a moment in history for me. hehe. I was really happy, i was practically jumping up and down. I was glowing, really. And not because 60 is a great score (coz it isnt) but because I tried, I tried at something Im known to be very very bad at. And at the end of the day, that makes all the difference. To me, anyway :) Thanks to my friends for supporting me and not laughing at me during the times i DID make a fool of myself hehe

I think Lubna's my goodluck charm...

Then, we went to makan at IKEA which has simple food, but food i love. The daim cake is sdp gileee but I didnt buy kali ni sbb tgh trying to be healthy la konon. So i took the meatballs (kids meal-smaller portion) and two chicken wings (love the chicken wings, my friends! yum!) and just beborak with the girls till no end. But now that I think abt it, should have had the Daim cake la..

Eating at IKEA.

Then, at 2pm had to rush to OU from Cineleisure coz I was to meet my other friends to watch Twilight. i havent hung out with them for some time, and Nik had already graduated so next sem she wont be around (so sad!) and Rhaiz pun dtg. It was nice, and the movie..wah..i just have to say one word: AMAZING. i dont know la if im being biased because the guy is just sooooo dashing kan. And and! there was this scene kan, where he took the girl to the prom. She couldnt dance, coz she broke her leg so wht did he do? He let her stand on his feet and they danced! SIGH...tht scene appealed to the romantic in me (im kinda jiwang in an unconventional sorta way in case u didnt know) hehe. Tak tahan la. Anyone out there willing to dance with me under the pretty lights? give me a call at 012318..and i'll tell you the rest later ;)

Lepas tu, went to subang and met my best friend, who is going to the States for holidays (jahat! Tinggalkan murni. but i made the decision not to go, since Im gonna go t he next year when visiting Beb anyway). So we just went for dinner at Restoran Ayam Penyet (indon food-sdp jgk tapi agak mahal la, 7 bucks for ayam goreng. wht? cekik darah betul..) and met up with some high school friends and talked about world issues (no joke!), old times, the rapper TI, etc..

The thing abt spending time with your best friend is, even though you hardly meet but when you do, its just right. We are total opposites of each other, like siang and malam. But theres a level of comfort I cant explain. Sometimes there isnt even a need for words. Its just two ppl that 'get' each other. Im grateful I have met a few friends like this, where the relationship is not based on fake smiles on forced conversation, where it goes beyond words..

My best fren abusing her kid brother

Then, as is custom when sleeping over suraya's house, we went to buy DVDs and watched them until 1 am kot. Gone baby Gone was brilliant, albeit the cursewords..but Sisterhood of the Travelling pants2 was too corny for me. I couldnt finish it! Suraya's fault for picking a terrible DVD, bzr rm10. Sheesh! and then i went to sleep (suraya was missing, talking on the hp kot so I made myself comfortable on her bed and slet without her).

Really, it was an almost perfect day. I was really happy, smiling ear to ear the whole time. Beaming, actually until my face hurt at the end of the day. But it would have been more perfect if some others made it. Without certain others, I always feel like something is missing. I may be in th emiddle of laughing till my sides ache, but after a while, just for a moment, I stare into space, thinking of those that arent here.

Other than that, it was great. 27/22/08 was a great, great day. May we many other days like that...

PS to Fara, An, Aliaa, Nik, Rhaiz: Im sooo sorry I cant seem to upload the pics wih you guys! Everytime I try, it always says error. It was so frustrating to do it over and over to no avail. Nanti murni cube lg ye..

growing up in the States

2008-11-26T06:17:00.000-08:00

I was a happy kid. I was ugly (betul! I was skinny and didnt like to comb my hair and wanted to be a boy coz I thot it was cool hehe) but I was happy until I didnt even realise that I was poor. We were poor growing up.

My birthday (joined skali with Beb. sheesh! share my spotlight!) and ibuk buat cake..

I guess its to be expected when my parents married while still studying, when my mom was 20 and dad was 22. What can their financial status be like if not bordering on poor. I guess they didnt mind, they had each other and were smart enough to study and earn extra income (I think dad worked as a dishwasher and mom was a nanny. she made a lot of money by taking care of other ppl's kids!).

But when ibuk was doing her masters, it was just us girls staying in Florida and ayah was working in Msia. Ibuk is tough to raise us entirely by herself during those years. I remember, most of our clothes were hand-me-downs from other families or we'd take the clothes ppl give to charity (they were clean and in good shape, so we just said Alhamdulillah. Dpt bj free!). At the laundromat (betul ke spelling ni) other ppl would leave clothes in a box, clothes they didnt want and we'd select the ones we liked and put it in our rusty, paint-peeling Radioflyer wagon and pull it home. The wheels would squeek but my sisters and I would just be laughing, skipping down the road with our 'treasure'.

Dad brought us to Chicago, Illinois to experience snow (it doesnt snow in Florida)

Owh, and when Ibuk was free during the weekends and needed a break from writing her paper, we'd all pile in the car she bought for US $ 600 and go to garage sales. We'd drive to nice neighbourhoods, where huge trees lined the roads and would meet in the middle, creating a canopy. It was really pretty, and I'd stick my head out the window and get scolded but I wanted to enjoy the view! and see the pretty houses. And we'd buy barbies and doll houses and rubber balls tu jump on for 5 cents at the garage sales. Man, did we all look forward to the weekend drives and the cool things we'd get for really, really cheap.

Grocery shopping was a fun affair jgk. I was naughty, I stole a grape or two by just plucking it out from the stem and eating it without paying (im sorry! i was only 6 yrs old and i was hungry and grapes were expensive but i liked them sooo much. i was too tempted) and didnt care abt the fact that they werent washed. I played with the helium balloons that reached the ceiling and tugged on their strings..i'd get on the rides (where you have to put coins in, then they'd move and make sounds and show lights) but we didnt have cash to waste so I'd move the plastic car myself and make the noises sendiri (vroom vroom! Beeb beeb!).

Hehe. now that i think abt it, i laugh coz it must have looked so silly. Why am i writing abt this? Because that day, while we were driving home from visiting grandma, ibuk asked us, were we happy even though times were hard in the States?

I think ibuk felt bad that she couldnt afford new barbie dolls and clothes from wall mart and couldnt buy a nintendo for K As or the trendy baju for K Am who was a teenager or get me a new, Barney lunch box. We had to make do with whatever we had. Used coupons when we needed to buy groveries. Brought bekal to school coz the payment for lunch tickets were kinda expensive. Ppl would make faces when i ate my 'fish chips' (keropok ikan) but I didnt care sbb Ibuk yg goreng. Who wants to eat their pizza and jello anyway. (okay I did sometimes but Ibuks lunch was pretty sdp too hehe)

I hope my mom doesnt feel bad. Because mom, we were really happy. We didnt care that we lived in a tin apartment with furniture that other ppl didnt want and peeling carpets. You made it a beautiful home, with your creativity, ingenuity and touch. Because of you, we didnt even notice we could have fallen in the category of those in poverty. We didnt even notice.

Our skyscraper (I told you I was ugly as a kid! But ibuk loved me anyway)

Ibuk, we were happy. Really. We had tons of fun building 'skyscrapers' from books and forts in the house by putting blankets over boxes, playing football with the neighbourhood kids, and swimming in our round, plastic pool that we set up in the front yard..

Ibuk taking her four crazy kids to Disneyworld...

It was a great childhood. :) Thanks to Ibuk, for making it a great childhood...

feeling unproductive...

2008-11-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

I am soo embarassed but I'll admit it anyway..

I am wholly unproductive this holidays. Dah cuti dua minggu and I havent done much except to finish one novel, clean half of my room and..hmm..it's all I can think of right now. To be fair, i went on a holiday for the 2nd week. But still..it can possibly be a good thing to sleep at 11 and wake up at 9 every day. Bad!

And I've been eating a whole lot. Tak biasa makan byk since last sem there wasnt much time and I was trying my best to be and eat healthy. I dont like this feeling. I think I have to go exercise. I hate feeling so lazy and unproductive! tapi at the same time im not doing anything, how?

Which is why im writing this post. To rant and complain in hopes that'll get me off my butt and rearing to go. I'm going to make a list of things to do and DO THEM!

guys, what r you doing these hols? Am i the only one lazing around? get bck to me and inform me wht you guys are up to during these weeks..hopefully im not the only lazy bum! hehe

Ever since my childhood days...

2008-11-20T19:54:00.000-08:00

I was afraid of religious teachers. When I came bck from the U.S and masuk darjah satu, it was a new experience for me. The teachers were mean and strict and unfriendly, which was the opposite of what i got in the U.S. The kids were mean and called me 'kafir' coz I spoke english masatu. Sheesh. I just got bck man, give me some time to settle in and adapt. Sooo not understanding.

But they could be forgiven, being kids and all. But the teachers, particularly this one ustaz that I had, forever had an effect on me. In the States, I went for Quran classes. So reading wasnt a problem for me. But I wasnt familiar with reading jawi. And all the agama textbooks were in jawi. So my 2nd day of school, the ustaz asked me to read the passage in class. I read slowly, unsure of myself..but I read anyway.

He got mad that I wasn't fluent like the other kids and made me stand on my chair for the rest of the hour. The other kids laughed and pointed, and my face felt hot. I was so embarrassed. The next day, I had to stand on my chair jgk (does the ustaz think im going to get fasih the very next day?) and i told myself, I couldnt go through that humiliation again.

So what i did was, I taught myself to read. I didnt wanna ask Ayah, because i was embarrassed and to be honest, i was afraid i was going to get in trouble. So I asked my frens and my older sister, but careful not to let them know I was facing problems in school. And I learned it, on my own! But i knew that Ustaz wasnt going to be pleased, he wanted SPEED and I still didnt read up to the speed that he would like.

So i read the chapters beforehand, the night before class, and wrote the hard words in rumi, so I wouldnt have to tke a few seconds to figure out what it was in class and make the Ustaz angry. I remember going to agama class, palms sweating and heart beating fast. I was always afraid, my name was going to get called and he'd get mad and call me slow like usual, punish me bt making me stand and I'd be jeered and laughed by the other kids.

Sigh.

The ustaz seemed pleased lepas tu, coz I read as fast as the other kids. But he still had this 'look', you know, like he was judging me. I can still remember it until now.

Owh to differentiate, let me tell you about my experience in Metric. My dear Ustaz Toha, was my tormentor. hehe. I had failed the first arabic test by one mark. but to be fair, half the class failed jgk. But he chose to single me out as the one he'd torture with ten thousand arabic questions, when everyone else got only one. The other students would look at me with sympathetic faces, coz of the 'extra attention' i got.

But this Ustaz was different. I felt that he 'tortured' me not because he hated me, but on the contrary, he liked me (ceh, perasan je) and wanted me to succeed and pass arabic. I wanted to be positive. Why else would he push me so hard, and ignore the rest, especially some others who were worse off than me? I felt that If he pushed me this hard, and worked me to the bone, he must have cared that much.

So i studied like crazy. I went from friend's room to friend's room, for tutoring. I must have studied arabic more than I ever studied my law subjects! I made an arabic dictionary, notes, the works! I even met Ustaz Toha for consultation. Yeah thats riiiigghhhttt..arabic consultation/

Finals was over, in the end Murni Dpt B+ tau. haha. Mcm bgus sgt. But i was proud, seriously, more than i was about my law subjects (ms metric masih pandai, got Deans list hehe). I was happy because I could do it, coming from a background of non-existent arabic, a secular school where we were only taught to baca doa hafazan yg biasa2 je. And when I got my result, I met Ustaz Toha and he said:

"Murni, I pushed you more than anyone because I knew you were better than this. And I was right."

Words that warmed my heart and that I will carry to my crave.

But thing is, until now, when i see him around main campus, I shiver in my shoes. Betul! I get scared and am transported to the class where I am being grilled, and all eyes are on me, awaiting my answer. Pressure!

I find that I am dumbstruck and nervous around those whose opinion matter to me most. I want to impress, to do good, to be perfect around these people and not make any mistake. So, even until now, I will get the sweaty palms, and 'stage fright' if I am made to read in front of those who matter to me. Those who I want to be the best for. Like Ayah. Like Ustaz Toha. Like certain others...

I can't help it. Aidonna Jan (skema nye. calling her by her full name hehe) says its because of my perfectionist nature. I dunno, maybe she's right. But I'm working on it! I trying not to be nervous. But this one, I am not able to overcome just yet.

The fear of that look the Ustaz gave me masa I was darjah satu..scares me until now. I know it shouldn't, but it does. It was hard for me, masa darjah satu tu. And I carry the baggage with me sampai skarang.

Double sigh. Apa nak buat...

BTW i dreamt about this recently. hehe. i'm taking shariah law and had 6 levels of arabic to face, and again went from room to room asking ppl to teach me. And when I sat for finals, I was so nervous i nearly FAINTED. It was such a realistic dream..bedebr2.

the craziness of finals!

2008-10-31T04:55:00.000-07:00

three papers dwn and three to go. But I feel like it's already merdeka. How ni?

It's the same craziness, every semester. With law, you just can't relax. Then again, maybe thats the case with all courses kan? Tapi law ni, kena byk menghafal. It doesnt matter that you understand so well. When there are a thousand cases with funny hard-to-remember names, you need three to four hourse to cram it into your brain. Berzikir the names of cases and the relevant statutes! Seriously, kadang2 tak tahan and my brain is jammed and you feel like throwing up. But u cant! So you keep on reading and memorising and hope t o God that all this will pay off and you dont get a brain freeze and forget everything (god forbid!).

Hopefully it will be imprinted in your mind and when you sit for the paper, the name of cases will magically appear before your eyes! Then you happily write away..otherwise, it'll be a little blank space you leave, hoping and praying that before the time u have to send in the paper, you'll suddenly remember it is Chung Chi Cheung instead oh Chan Cew Cheung and fill it the missing gap.

Murni teringat a year ago, when we had two law papers in the day, and another paper the day before. As you can guess, we couldnt even sleep. Time is precious, people! And AIKOL is crazy for putting two law papers on the same day- what, do they want to kill us? Do they? It's suicide, practically. I remember i broke down the night before, after magrib and a kind friend had to teman me makan and calm me down and say it's gonna be okay I'm not gonna fail! After i felt better and more motivated, my other friend pulak broke down and started crying in the library. I know it sounds silly, but really, the stress can kill!

Baca3..and as usual i do the study group in my room, go through and explain the entire syllabus (ely and i take turns to teach). Penat tapi it helps me understand and remember when i teach. And! I like helping my friends understand too..there's satisfaction that i get from helping someone go from a state of confusion to clarity and then they dont cuak coz they feel better prepared to sit for the exam. Also, It's pahala man. Can't get enough of the pahala. With all my flaws and the dosa that i have done...

Tapi around 2 am, my friends dah mula go crazy sket (this is last year masa we had to sit for two papers on the same day) and planned on burning down the exam hall. But that wouldnt do. So they ate laxatives in the hopes of getting sick. Sounds crazy now tapi man, it made sense then. Even i was tempted, but I didnt end up taking it in the end. I just sat for the paper, all the while just depending on God's grace to help me.

And he did! I got a B+ for both papers. Not as great as I would hope, but you can't complain under the circumstances kan? hehe. Owh, and my two friends? One of them DID get sick (not due to the laxatives) and sat for speacial exams (which is triple times harder) and aced the paper. She is that brilliant! Any my other friend, she didnt get sick enough to miss the paper, but sakit perut and had to run to the bathroom all the time masa duduk periksa.

Kelaka betul..

Now, with three papers left, means that soon, the insanity will end. Alhamdulillah. I cant wait for the 11th November. I want to makan best2, shop (coz I havent shopped in ages thank you very much, Im a changed woman), read novels, jalan2, lepak dgn kwn, makan lagi (wendys, any place that sells udang, etc). Enjoy my hols before having to start another semester, and the whole insanity thing starts all over again.

But having said that, I'm glad that I have a small band of loyal, great friends that cn teman me through the craziness. I think we help keep each other sane, kan guys? Thanks alot3 tau! My grades are due to your help jugak. :)

I better go study now...hehe.

My reason why

2008-10-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

I find it hard to asnwer ppl's questions as to why im still unattached. Most ppl call me picky, memilih, mengada, idealistic, high-maintenance, silly..you name it; chances are I've been called it.

It makes me sad sometimes, the constant questions, the pressure, the nagging, the negative remarks. But then again, I've come to believe that if choosing to remain single because I havent found the right one, the one that will truly make me happy is silly and stupid and makes me memilih, then I guess I dont mind being all these things.

The thing is, I dont wanna be with someone for the sake of just BEING with someone.

I've seen on so many occasions, ppl getting involved when their hearts aren't into it. They are together for all the wrong reasons, and in the end they won't last. They are unhappy and alone even when they arent alone. Do you know wht i mean?

My gf once observed me talking to a close guy friend and when my conversation with him was over, she had tears in her eyes. I asked her why she was sad, and she said in her three yr relationship, she has never, not ONCE had so much fun talking to him as I had with my friend tadi.

She went on to say she never tells him abt her probs, her fears, etc. They dont share anything. They just eat together, watch movies together, never saying anything to each other.

I was sad, and thought about her life 30 yrs down the road:

A couple in their fifties, sitting on opposite ends of the couch, watching TV with this uncomfortable, heavy silence hanging in the air. No lively banter, no laughter, just two ppl sitting together. Just enduring, bearing through the day together.

That's not the life I want.

I want to find someone who shares the same fundamental principles with me. I want to be with my best friend who can lift my spirits and makes me even happier when i think life cant get any better. I want to be with the one that loves me, NOT IN SPITE of my differences, but because of them. I want to marry the one that makes me happy, comfortable and so at ease that I sleep with no worries and wake up with a smile on my face.

He could be a simple guy, with a bit of a belly, with japanese slippers and unkept hair, that has a beaten up kancil tht screeeeches when he drives it, with not even two pennies to rub together. I dont care, as long as he is the right one for me. (and is smart and hardworking so he can work his way through poverty-hehe)

When i find such a person, i will settle down. I will say yes. I will be so loyal to you. Learn to cook for you. Wipe your tears for you. Leave my corporate career and stay home for you. Pack my bags leave my comfortable house and live in a run-dwn flat for you. Be whatever you want me to.

Be your Siti Khadijah for you.

Until i meet such person, I will stay here. I will live my life, do my job, take care of my family and take each day as it comes. I do not want to pursue this man at every corner and turn. I truly believe that Allah has this man for me, somewhere, and he is waiting for me as patiently as i am waiting for him.

So pls, no more questions. No more negative remarks, like "whts wrong with you? just pick one! why so memilih! nanti tua org dah tak nak baru tahu."

I have my reasons for being unattached: I am waiting for the man that Allah has chosen for me.

And i think that is a good reason.

i dont want to go back!

2008-10-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

Raya holidays have come and gone and now, i have to go back to uia esok pagi! oh the pain, the torture, the agony that awaits!

okay so im exaggerating a little here, but you know what? thats honestly how it feels lately. every week there's some huge assignment or exam or test or presetation to do. One on top of the other..the work keeps piling up and i am just reminded of the dreaded PP assignment experience--talk about sleepless nights! literally!

i know its a part of being a student, i know..thats why i relished the raya holidays. i could sleep! and not worry about work (padahal ada je another assignment to tackle-CPC here i come!). I could laze around and eat and play with my kid cousins and sleep.

Oh wait, malam2 after the raya visiting and all, i had to open the laptop and do my Public International Law assigment, and plan my presentation this monday. during raya! i had to call the girls and assign who did what, what to write, yada yada yada. Nak tgk cerita raya kat kelantan with my relatives pun susah, my mind was terganggu with what i had to do, the work i had to finish. Sob Sob!

But but! I did have time to watch I'm not single (my 2nd malay movie this year, yay!) starring Farid Kamil, who happens to be a real cutie. Tapi as cute as he is, not for me la. He can pegang and hug girls on tv, imagine what he can do when the cameras arent there. Bad bad! But the story was enjoyable, betul! i liked it very much, and i liked the ending too. hehehe.

Sigh. esok have to go back t o my responsibilities as a student. i wish i could sleep lagi..a deep, undisturbed sleep of a baby. But no! lepas ni it's back to reality.

Oh well. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. At least I had the week to eat and be merry. That's something..

A girl named Beb

2008-09-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

Most ppl know tht I have a baby sister named Beb.

Me being the protective sister that I am, I keep thinking my Beb is still that fat, little girl she used to be growing up. The girl who cried when her ‘brother’ left her without a goodbye, the girl who would sneak into the kitchen yg gelap and stuff food in her mouth when no one was looking, the girl who got hurt by an a** of a boy in school who was a cretin n didn’t deserve the time of day, the girl who left the ticket in the machine after she paid the RM1 when I TOLD her not to forget to take it..but she forgot anyway..

Years have passed, and now she’s 19 yrs old and doing her foundation before she goes to The States. My parents (Ayah in particular) thinks she’s still in high school. Though I back her up when it comes to our dad, and fight for her privileges to drive, to be able to go out with her friends, to stay in INTI and not come bck during the weekend when she is overloaded with work, in the bck of my mind, I’m guilty of thinking she’s a vulnerable little thing that isn’t capable of taking care of herself.

But the fact is this:

My Beb is a lot tougher than she looks. Though she is the youngest, and has every right to be a manja, pampered little princess, she is far from that. When she had to go to this ulu boarding school (first time leaving home, sob sob!) she never complained, not once. She didn’t break down like a lot of other girls, even though I knew she didn’t really wanna be there. But she persevered. And when it got hard, she didn’t run to Ayah asking to come home, she just cried in the bathroom with the shower on. But after crying (where no one could see/hear-ur just like me Beb!) she did wht she had to do. And she did well.

Now Beb dah besar, and doing good and getting A’s here la there la..Deans list la..organizing this international event la..having African guys and malay guys go after her la..being computer savvy la..pandai berstylo la (more than me now, Sheesh!)..she just isn’t the baby we all like to think of her as.

She’s a tough cookie.

Blaja dgn besungguh2 coz she thinks she’s always gonna fail (whatever la beb, paranoid gile) and she never gives up when thinks get hard (like the sem she had to take Calculus. Sian dia. Our fam is just not gifted in math).

She’s calm under pressure (like when she was locked in our bathroom at 3 am and we didn’t know if we could get her out-she was so tenang! X stress, x nanges..and she managed to get herself out! With a butter knife, padahal my dad was trying to hack open the door dgn cangkul pun tak Berjaya).

She’s brave. Ada two dogs right behind our car, just a step away and I was afraid to put the things in t he boot of the car, tapi Beb tak takut. Or if she was, she overcame her fear and did it anyway. And and! Kalau ada lipas dlm bilik, she’s the one that’ll attempt to kill it dgn ridsect. Ini lipas terbang tau. The very scary type!

Why am I praising her? I don’t get anything out of it. I know she’s gonna be so kembang lepas baca ni (kan Beb kan?) but I’m doing this coz it’s what’s true. I worry that she can’t survive when she goes to The States nanti, but she’s proven on so many occasions that she is resilient. She can survive. My Beb can get through anything.

What’s sad is, I’m not sure her sister is able to be okay when she leaves nanti. Who’s gonna listen to my stories, Beb? Who’s gonna layan me like you did? So very sad. Tapi ape nak buat. You gotta let the little ones go and pursue their dreams.

To the Beb, I’m sorry if sometimes, I don’t trust you to do things well or I underestimate you. You’re the strongest baby I know. And you’re gonna do great when you go to US nanti, you’re gonna score and have lotsa frens and get married to a nice boy and I’m gonna say, “I told you so”. I pray for you tau Beb. Slalu smayang hajat. Penat tau! Hehe.

So that’s the story of my Beb. The little fat girl who turned to be thin and cute, who (as much as I hate to admit it) is the best lil sister in the world. (ugh. I cringe!!!)

Maey ikhlas tau tulis ni. Only thing I ask is..for you to pray for me! And not be rude. Hehehe
The end..for now..