yes friends, i have finally finished my proposal and successfully defended it last Tuesday, 20th Feb 2012.
the proposal that i defended actually took me about 3 months to research+write, but before that, i was writing an entirely different proposal. for ONE WHOLE year.
and just like that, i had to change. i received comments and feedback from other professors who voiced their concern that my proposed research would be too difficult a subject matter, and very tricky to establish the relationship i wanted to put forth. so i was devastated for some time (that means a day huhu) because i was so frustrating to really think so hard AND write so much AND spend so long on your work, only to have them tell you: better to change coz you might get stuck later.
i listened to them, though, even though it was difficult to totally write something new. i had just registered for my 1st sem of phd, and i was ADAMANT that i should at least try to get my doctorate within 3 years. so going in a different direction was gonna prove difficult. but i set in my mind, that i want to do this, i want to have my defense behind me by the end for my 1st sem of PhD, or at least at the beginning of my 2nd sem.
Alhamdulillah, thanks to my parents and Supervisor, i was able to pick a topic i felt not only to be current, but RELEVANT. and the best part was: no one had really written on the subject in the Malaysian context. the very idea excited me, so with a lot of encouragement and a point in the right direction, i began my research and i started on my (new) proposal.
i am really grateful i got to work with a supervisor whom i respected and most importantly, one who understood me. it made things easier when having to work with somebody. i remember when i began writing academically for my masters, my work was a load of rubbish but she really helped me see what i needed to do and improve on if i want to go far in this profession.
thing is, writing can be so very frustrating. there is no wrong or right way of doing it, but somehow you need to get it RIGHT anyway. no one can tell you how to become a good writer, but they can say all the things wrong with your work. but the getting good at writing part, now that is something you really have to grapple with yourself.
my mom has helped me alot, i remember attending two of her classes taught me more than i ever learned at a research course. she taught me how to write an effective literature review and most importantly, how to make the voice of the writer heard. so that the writing doesnt just become some boring, descriptive article with no soul. writing should reflect your soul too. and this can be done professionally, not emotionally. certain words used reflect certain tones.
haha im sure this is boring you guys out already! but as a future academician, this is an important and inescapable part of my job. but thank Allah, i do enjoy doing it. and my 2nd article will be published soon, as a chapter in a book. Of course, its not an ISI journal, but i am grateful that it was still picked to be featured and i am happy for the opportunity and exposure. I always wanted to appear on Oprah, discussing a book i have written. now i cnt achieve that dream, but having 2 of my articles published is a start, and i only hope i cn get better from here.
i am excited! excited and motivated that i have passed the initial stage of my phd. now that the defense is over, i just need to make some changes to my proposal (yes, amendments are ALWAYS needed hehe) so i can get it approved and hopefully that will serve as my first chapter in my thesis. and i hope i can get this done before i visit my sister in march.
i can only pray that this motivation and momentum i possess right now will remain with me until the end of my doctorate. eh scratch that, i hope ill continue to be motivated throughout my entire career! i dont regret quitting practice. i dont mind the comments people make. i close a blind eye when they say i cant handle the corporate world.
i am happy with my choices, and i choose this world, not because i cant survive in the past one, but it is here where i truly feel like ME. i think i can make something of myself here, be someone that could contribute to society. someone that touch their student's lives.
this is some of the text msgs i received from my students after their semester last year:
"mdm, terima kasih byk2 atas ilmu disampaikan dan bimbingan mdm. smoga ALLAH berkati mdm dan dmurahkan sgala yg baik2 buat mdm. Sya akan grad, terima kasih mdm"
i keep his msg, i dont delete it. as i am retyping his words onto this post, my eyes glaze with tears. i dont ever want to forget this feeling of appreciation, this feeling of gratefulness to Allah, for allowing me the courage to walk away from the glamorous career as a lawyer, and giving me the determination to be what i am really meant to be. a teacher. a writer. a lecturer. a friend.
its a new, alien but wonderful feeling to know that these students appreciate me. that they attribute their graduation to me in any small manner is an honour. and i experienced something new last semester: my students kissed my hand as i finished delivering my last class. i was shocked, utterly lost for words. i was only 25 yrs old then, i couldnt comprehend that they would respect me enough to even do that.
it might just me a customary practice for students, but i felt blessed and honoured nevertheless.
its hard though, because as a government servant you get many negative remarks like "lazy, take things for granted, complacent" . its especially hard because as a civil servant, you dont get a bog bonus, heck you dont even get 1 month bonus hehe! half a month or a quarter of a month is so much appreciated. i dont even know how to dream about big paychecks or 4 month bonuses or company retreats.
honestly, it would be AMAZING if i could earn the kind of money you would earn at a company or legal firm. money helps with so much, eases so many problems. but at the same time, it creates problems too.
that is why i keep the sms's my students give me. that is why, when i go home with a throbbing headache and bckpain, i close my eyes and think of their smiles, think of them coming up to me and asking me for help..i think of the kind words they say so i NEVER forget the reason why i am doing this.
first and foremost its for the students. if we dont take the education of the younger generation seriously, how will we expect them to be able, progressive people in society one day? we look so highly at those abroad, but dont stop and think of what we can do here, in our home country, for our people.
i am teaching more subjects this semester. shahir even said that i dont need to place additional burden on myself, i should just focus on my phd. but i told him, i need to do this. phd is one thing, one very important thing. but it isnt the ONLY thing. i am above all, a teacher. and what kind of teacher would i be if i bury myself in research alone? the kids need me, but i think i need them just as much, if not more.
im happy, so happy that even if it took so long to get to this stage of my life, ive finally decided what i really want to do. what i really want to research on. and so far, im not far from my timeline. if i could finish my phd and get my doctorate by the time im 29, that would be a blessing.
i didnt go to my masters convocation, but i would really love to go for my PhD convocation, inysaAllah. because only He (and my family and close friends) would know about the blood sweat and tears it took to finish a phd thesis.
maybe with the stress of the defense behind me, with the knowledge of my research topic being approved, Allah would grant me a happy, healthy baby.
oh yes, that is a next chapter of my life that i have been thinking of, dreaming of and praying for. Maybe after i return from my US trip, i will soon have a delightful piece of news to share :)
insyaAllah. pray for me, that i get through this journey smoothly. Amin
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