keinsafan

the title is in malay sempena my self-motivation to become a good emcee for the nationwide "Training for Trainers" program today-sunday. its in bm so im nervous hehe i havent spoken formal bm since high school kot.

im digressing from the title.

i feel remorse, and feel very grateful for all that i have, especially after the epiphany that i received after getting the news that disappointed and depressed me. after talking to some friends, my parents and shahir, i realise and truly believe with all my heart that what has happened is not the end for me.

my brain always told me that its God's plan, but now my heart accepts it too.

And i also feel grateful that i even got this opportunity to study..that i will get a scholarship insyaAllah for a local uni and i will get my salary too. i feel grateful that i have a position as a tutor at a good ranking university (public universities dont hv many vacancies, im glad i was accepted Alhamdulillah).

if i study in malaysia, at least shahir doesnt hv to uproot his career for me, at least we get to move into our house sooner, at least i get to be here for my family (coz they will be lonely without me haha).

what brought about this change of heart? well, let me tell you about this friend of mine..

she was actually a stranger to me a few months ago. unknown to me, she was reading my blog and later msgd me on FB. she said she likes my posts, they motivate her somehow. i was flattered, touched because she saw something in me that i didnt see myself.

we started to exchange emails since then, but its not always that often as both of us are busy. she hasnt replied my last email and i just assumed she is caught up with studies.

i just found out this morning why. her other half is lying in the hospital, fighting for his life. i dont know the details that much as i am not a medic student so i cant tell the seriousness, but from what i can gather, it is quite a serious situation.

i hardly know this friend of mine, i have never even met her. but my heart goes out to her. my prayers too. i almost got teary eyed reading all the posts on her FB wall and her self-motivation to be strong so that her other half will recover.

if shahir or my mom or sisters or dad was ever in that position, i would find it very difficult. i love my family and cant live without them. so it made me realise, that though studying abroad is my dream for so many years now, not achieving that is NOTHING in comparison as losing my loved ones or having them fall really ill.

if shahir were lying helpless in the hospital, i would be there by his side, praying, holding his hand, crying. doing my phd overseas would be the most trivial matter in my mind. it really puts things into perspective for me. it really made me think and appreciate all the little things and big things i have in my life.

i think its natural to be sad n disappointed and even depressed sometimes. but the thing is, you gotta bounce back. you have to be like a rubber ball. you can fall, but you should bounce even higher after falling. dont give yourself an excuse to stay stagnant. rise from the ashes.

thats what ill do. thats what we all should do.

so i have made a little list of some of the many things i am appreciative of, as to remind myself how lucky i am. i think its a good exercise, coz when we think we got it b ad, we should realise other ppl have it worse.

i am grateful for:-

1. my scholar parents who are always willing to share their knowledge with me and praise me like im so great when im just an average girl hehe. parents love is blind i tell ya!

2. though i have put on a considerable amount of weight, i cn still fit in all my clothes. i dont have to buy new ones just yet as my clothes from several years back can still be worn without making me look like im bulging at the seams. alhamdulillah. save money too!

3. i am grateful for this job that is respectable and noble and the fact that it pays well. i am happy that i will get a raise next month after completing my masters. but i dont plan on spending more just because i earn more. im looking forward to saving more for my house.

4. im lucky to own a house. a semi-d house in the outskirts of putrajaya. though it is soooooo hard to pay for initially coz legal fees, stamping fees, lights, fan, grills, alarm system etc cost a fortune, at least i have a home to call my own. i should appreciate that the bills i am paying for go to my house. at least after all is said n done, i have a place that i cn hv privacy in, a place i cn decorate, a place where i cn entertain my family n friends, a place to raise my children in. some people must rent for the rest of their lives. im grateful for mom who helped alot. love you mom.

5. for good friends. they would make a bbq dinner at their house on their own dime for me. they would help me with my scholarship-hunting. they wold call when they know i need a comforting word despite their hectic schedules. and they are nice ppl with good hearts--and that is hard to come by. ive lived long enough to know that although some ppl see each other everyday and seem like the best of friends, they still talk bad about their so called friends. Alhandulillah the few friends that i do have, are my real friends.

6. im grateful for shahir. always all the time. for his boyish smile that lights up my day. for his constant effort to please me and make me happy. for his consideration and tolerance and understanding which is a trait many men dont have. for his willingness to help with household chores. for him making such effort to be home early when im sick and surprising me. for making me happy everyday, even on the darkest of days. i am so blessed to have married the best man in the entire world (not counting the Prophets la) hehe and im allowed to be biased!

7. for my ability not to burn down the kitchen. i have almost never cooked before i got married, and i find that actually im a pretty decent cook! far from great, most definitely, but its edible. and if shahir likes it, i think its the most important :)

8. for the grades that i got and for the good responses iv received from supervisers and publishers. though i may not study there or my paper may not get published, at least i know that what i do, what i write is appreciated. that means alot to me, and does wonders for my self esteem. baby steps, murni. one day youll reach greatness, insyaAllah

9. for the people that read my blog. for their emails and comments and messages. i honestly am so surprised that my meaningless ramblings have the ability to touch your hearts and motivate you some way. i dont know what im doing, but im glad i can help in any way :) your comments make me feel like i have purpose. hopefully i cn one day make a difference in a bigger way.

10. i am grateful that there are more things to be grateful for. that the list cnt just stop at ten. that the list actually goes on. so many thing to appreciate, to love in this world. for every thing, big or small, is all Allah's doing and thank you Allah for giving me the chance to live anor day, for allowing me the chance to grow and for giving me life and the awareness to change. without you i am nothing.

May we all get past the dark moments in our life, by remembering God and all He has given us.

Amin