just get back up when it knocks you down

yesterday 11 Jan 2011 was a terrible day for me.

no.1:- Shahir had a car accident. He is physically ok, but he is stressed i guess though he neevr likes to show it. needless to say we only have one car at the moment. it wouldnt be a problem if we could carpool, but seeing as he works at the opposite side of town, and he has unnatural working hours, i dont think its wise i wait for him in the upm office until 10pm, 11pm maybe even 12 pm..so we have to manage somehow. its not easy esp for him who never likes to trouble anybody.

no.2 which is the biggest hurdle for me:- I got an email from my Dean saying that there is no funding for overseas phd application. and if i want to pursue my phd locally this year, i must grab the opportunity now before they give it to other departments.

ok so when i received this email, i sat in front of the computer. then i cried. i cried silently (the office walls are thin--i dont want ppl to hear!) because i was so sad, so hurt, so devastated that I tried so so hard only to be told that the University/ Government doesnt have funding for me.

I heard the news before, that it would be unlikely for me, esp being in the social science field, to go overseas for my phd. despite that, i decided to carry on with my applications to UK unis, aussie unis. i figured ill beg the Kementerian Pengajian Tinggi to give me the scholarship, justify why it should be given to me, what I could do for my country.

But then the email i received yesterday..kinda put me in shock. now, i have to decide very soon either i risk my chances by trying to obtain a non-bonded scholarship to UK OR i take the scholarship for local uni (coz it may not b available to me later).

im trying here. trying so hard to be strong, to not give up. i didnt cry every time i applied for a scholarship after spm and each organization didnt even call me for an interview. i didnt cry when others with the same or worse result than me got to go overseas. no, i accepted it as God's will and felt there must be a reason behind it all.

i decided to stop chambering halfway because i got the offer from UPM and i know that universities dont offer jobs so easily. i gave up a hope of a lucrative career as a lawyer to be a lecturer.

sometimes i feel like a loser. like, my friends are called to the bar and having hearings alone with high court judges or wearing snazzy outfits climbing the corporate ladder.

but me? im just studying. studying alone in my four walls, never interacting with anyone (coz there is no one around) and doing the same thing everyday reading reading writing reading. i eat almost all meals alone in my office in front of the computer, which i am so used to now. i hardly get an opportunity to see anyone! the other lecturers are busy with class and family and always in their rooms doing research ( i am at a research uni after all).

i start to feel demotivated at times. i wear whatever is in the closet that doesnt need ironing. whats d point in troubling to look nice, its not like I ever meet anyone. its like im working at home, but im in the office.

my friends are gonna go far in their careers, be CEOs, attend meetings at fancy hotels and restaurants, meet important people. and im jst here, studying. it will take me 4 yrs to get me doctorate, and being a Dr doesnt mean much anymore. it will take me maybe anor 10 yrs to become Assoc Prof, and make something of myself in the academic world.

i get sad sometimes, but i remind myself that being a lecturer, a darn good one, is my life dream. so there may b difficulties along the way, what job doesnt? i remind myself that I will eventually make something of myself, make a substantial contribution to the world. in the meantime i have to work HARD.

and i did. i worked hard for my masters, reading and studying so much that i got daily headaches. i edited and re-edited my papers over n over to make sure they were good. i sent one to a publisher and im awaiting a response by february (so far things look promising--pls pray the paper gets published!). i try to enagage with other lecturers so i get the opportunity to network or give guest lectures for the experience (it aint abt the money).i am trying with the energy n resources that i have to become someone great in my field.

and i worked so hard to be accepted into a good law school, where i cn go my phd. nottingham and exeter expressed interest, and i have more than 3 supervisors who want to work with me. but but but now i find that there is no money. ok fine, ill try to get non-bonded scholarship elsewhere. but now, i find that if i dont choose to do it at a local uni, i may even lose that scholarship.

sedih :(

i know, i know that even if i stay here, i can be good at what i do. my father said Fethullah Gulen is a turkish scholar, who never had to step foot out of turkey for his work to be read all over the world. and i do believe in our local education.

its just, i wanted a change. i wanted to go abroad, experience different things, be put out of my comfort zone, travel and live like poor but happy students with my husband. i have always wanted to go abroad for my studies but decided it was ok, for my bachelors n masters to be done locally. there will b other opportunities.

not so many opportunities, it seems.

its tiring fighting. i just wish for once, that i can get what i want easily.

then lubna called, and she has a way with words. she managed to make me feel better during our short conversation. and among the things she said to me which made me LISTEN, which was something no one has said to be before, was something like this:

"you're not a loser. you are what lawyers turn to. we refer to you, to your books you write. without you, we lawyers couldnt do the job"

(something like that la hehe)

thank you, for helping me feel better. you dont know how much it means to me.

today, i do feel better. i accepted my fate. ill still try though, to find opportunities to study overseas, but if i dont get it, insyaAllah i will b ok with the outcome. i will tell myself Allah has his reasons for me to stay here. maybe its best for my family, who is gonna feed shahir? if i dont wake him up n make sure he eats on time n make sure he takes his vegetables he may become malnourished and lose all his hair hehehe.

there must b a reason right? i hv to believe that, and i have to believe that there is something for me. i cn and will, insyaAllah be great in this field. maybe not like my father or mother, but i will try my hardest to be the best lecturer i can be. and if i can touch one student's life, help one person become better, then i have achieved my purpose.

may i always have high spirits and never stop fighting.

amin